Sunday, March 30, 2008

Startling Revelations

It has been a very informative week for me, I have learned much and have become humbled by the wealth of knowledge that God (or Satan) has bestowed upon me in the past seven days.

First of, on a personal note, I discovered that I am one out of shape som' bitch. A weekend hockey tournament has learned me that apparently, the only way to stay in shape for hockey it to play hockey on a somewhat consistent basis. A five year break without anything close to a meaningful game did me no good. Just farting around on a rink for some half ass'd shinny don't cut it. Now its not that I'm out of shape by most peoples standards, I run 3-5 times a week, hit the weights every week day and tend to eat pretty healthy (unless there is a hockey game on). Apparenlty this means jack squat unless you play. God I am sore and slightly ashamed of being out played by people 10 years my senior.

On a Bleu et Blance note, I realized that the Leafs are in fact HALF of a good NHL team. Yup, thats right, 50% good, 50% suck. There are eight things a team needs to be a good NHL team, a contender if you will. These things are as follows. Goaltending. Tallent. Youth. Depth. Coaching Toughness, Synergy and Leadership.
Lets examine.
Goaltending - Check. Toskala is the man, no doot aboot it. Pogge is an excellent prospect. Raycroft is really good at opening the gate.
Talent - No. As far as talent goes, the Leafs are scraping the bottom of the barrel. Outside of Sundin (should he return), Kabby and Toskala, there is no developed world class, all-star talent on this team, that don't cut it in todays NHL.
Youth - Check. Steen, Stajan, Stralman, Earl, Pogge, Williams. There is plenty of good young up and comers for this team. Not to mention a plethera of picks and a deep draft this year.
Depth - Check. Say what you will, there is a lot of depth here, not talented depth as we explored earlier, but there are lots of players who can step up and play if they have to.
Coaching - No. Paul Maurice is a great sound bite, a nice guy and obviously loves his job, but he isn't the coach this team needs.
Toughness - No. Tucker maybe one tough little bugger, but when your most bad ass player is 5'10 and 185lbs soaking wet, you have no one who can drop the gloves with the big boys in the league and the only player on your team who can throw a body check shatters into a million pieces every time he tries.....Yeah. You know what I'm getting at.
Synergy - Check. This team plays very well together, they have developed some very nice chemistry over the past few months. Lack of talent and proper coaching have lead this to be less than effective. Line smoothies anyone?
Leadership - No. Mats is a great leader, probably one of the best in the league. But where are his leutenants? McCabe? Tucker? Kabby? None of these guys have been much of a supporting cast for El Capitano. Where is Gary Roberts when you need him? Oh yeah..

Stupid Penguins.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Tucker'd Out

Darcy Tucker (Left) describes the 07/08 season to fans.
"FUUUUUUUUUCK, 110%" was his comment. Many Leaf fans agree.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


After a frustrating loss to the Bruins that statistically signals the end for the Toronto Maple Leafs Season, the whole team gathers in the dressing room. Maurice enters the dressing room, looking disheveled and tired. He takes his glasses off and rubs his eyes as he wanders around aimlessly for a few minuites until he settles middle of the room.

"OK" he starts, his voice, low, raspy, sounding almost hung over. "The following people may leave, good season, good effort, I hope to see you all next year" he pauses to clear his throat and put his glasses back on. "Mats, Antro, Vesa, Jerry Tee-Lusty, Anton, Carlo, Williams, Boyd, Kabby, Steener, Stajan the Cajun and Dominic." the aformentioned players stand up and walk out "Wait, Carlo" Maurice calls.
stops in the door. "Hey C.C, this off season, why don't you try getting a Q-Ray, or blessed with holy water or something and stop getting injured so damned much".
The room door closes and Maurice's head sinks, he sighs.
"Ok......Jason" he looks over at Blake, who is sweating more than usual. "Jason, I know the whole cancer thing probably threw you off this year a bit, and no one expected you to score 40 goals again.....But" Maurice takes off his glasses and looks Blake directly in the eyes "Why the hell can't you hit the goddamn net more than once the game? Why the hell do you try the same damned move every flipping time you skate into the offensive zone? SHOOT THE FUCKING PUCK! And what the hell happened to you being an agitator huh? I remember playing against you last year and wanting to kick you in the head every time you skated by my bench because I was so goddamn agitated, now I just want to kick you in the head because your soft ass play is pissing me off!"
Tucker snorts, then covers his mouth, trying not to laugh, Maurice turns to him. "What the hell is so goddamn funny Mr. Fan favourite? Have you decided if your a goal scorer yet? Well here's the answer, YOUR NOT. Last year was a fluke. You've been playing like an offensive player without the talent to back it up since you signed that contract last year. You know what? I don't even care if your injured, take your balls out of your purse and stop being such a pansy out there!".
Another pause, the room is now deathly silent. Maurice's gaze sweeps across the room and stops on Ian White. "Short and sweet Ian, Defensive positioning, look it up." He turns to Kubina "I can't wait to see what your overprices ass fetches your NTC kicks out after the season, anything more than a bag of pucks and a snow cone and we come out on top, Why the hell did you wait until March to start playing like that? You useless turd." Kubina's eyes well up and his bottom lip starts to quiver, but he holds back on full out crying.
"Mark" Maurice calls out without even turning to look at him "Yeth bottth?" Mark slurs out through his surgery riddled face "First off Mark, don't fucking talk to me. Secondly, I appreciate you stepping up to defend your team mates and trying to be a physical presence out there, but sweet jumping Jesus, you are the worst fighter I have ever seen in my entire life. What are you trying to do? Uglify yourself so you don't end up Bum-Chums with Big Bubba Blue in the clink this summer? Keep that up and you'll be as brain damaged as Gary Bettman inside two years."
Maurice pauses again to rub his eyes and sigh for a few seconds. "Now were getting to the bottom of the barrel here. O.k. Bryan........" He turns to McCabe who sits there like a deer in the headlights "YOU STUPID FUCKING BOAT ANCHOR, NO MOVEMENT CLAUSE HAVING, NET BODY CHECKING, OWN GOAL SCORING, MOHAWK SPORTING, DINGLE BERRY!" he stops to catch his breath "You disgust me".
He slowly pads across the room directly to Wellwood. ", Kyle you are a very skilled hockey player. You can dangle that puck like nobodies business....But you are one out of shape, poor excuse for a professional athlete. This summer, in the off season, I suggest you hire a professional trainer, Hell see if Gary Roberts is available, how about Rod Brin'damour? Hell I don't care if you get Billy-Fucking-Blanks, get to work on that pizza hut gut of yours or by god you won't even make the Marlies next year. It's time you started concentrating on something that isn't deep fried or pork flavoured you tubby bitch!'" Wellwood runs out of the room balling. A small smile creeps across Maurice's face as he Watches Wellwood run, but it quickly fades as he re-scans the room.
Alex has his hand up. Maurice sighs. "what is it Pony?"
"Well....uh....Comrad Coach, I is wondering why I am here, I have not transgressed as bad as all of rest of team. What has I done to deserve your wrath?" Maurice takes a very serious tone, bends down to look Pony in the eyes and places his hand on the large Ukrainians shoulder. "Alex, I have just always hated you."
Another pause as Maurice reaches inside his jacket to grab something. He stops short of pulling it out. "Everyone out....Except you Andrew"
The rest of the Leafs stumble out of the room, shell shocked, Kubina's bottom lip still twitching. Poni mumbles something like "yeah, well I hates you too....comrade jerk" but Maurice doesn't hear.
Once the room clears, it is just Maurice and Raycroft, who is still dressed in his equipment. Maurice removes the item from his jacket. Its a small flask. He takes a long haul from it then smashes the empty case against the closest wall.
Maurice spins and looks at Raycroft, rage filling his face. Raycroft looks like he is about to wet himself. Maurice steps towards him, picking up Raycroft's goal stick.
He bares his teeth and his breathing gets more rapid and fearsome. Raycroft is frozen, he starts trembling but he can't move.
Maurice slowly gets closer, and closer, getting angrier and angrier, his eyes crazier and crazier. He starts to raise the goal stick over his head when the room door flies open. In walks Cliff Fletcher. "Paul, put the stick down, PAUL!"

"Now now Paul, don't get mad at me, I had no part in your predicament" Maurice suddenly calms down, and lowers the goal stick.
"OK, good, good, get out of here Andrew, while I have him calmed down." Raycroft scampers out of the room leaving a wet stain on the bench behind him.
"OK Fletch, what do you want."
"Peddie sent me, he wants to talk to you, I think you know what it's about"
"yeah, I you hear that?"
they both stop and listen *thump* a soft noise from inside the showers
"Who the hell is in there?" Maurice yells.
Slowly, Andy Woznewski's head pokes around the corner. "what the hell are you doing here?" Fletcher asks looking perplexed. Maurice looks at Fletcher, the rage returning to his eyes. Cliff nods his head. "Yes Paul, this one you can have"
A very evil grin crosses Maurice's face. He raises the goal stick and charges Woznewski.


Outside the room listens a giddy Darcy Tucker, giggling to himself as a series of dull thumps and girlish screams echo out of the dressing room.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Shipping Up To Boston

Well now, this is getting interesting isn't it? Two games against Da Bears you say? They are a most boring team to watch, I know, trap this, trap that, look at my goalies funky helmet.
The battle of the Ex-Gillites should be interesting. The Leafs have the fire in the belleh (get in it!) and the Bruins....well they suck.

Draw your own conclusions.

Todays video motivation goes out to my man Darcy T. Keep it real homes.

Friday, March 21, 2008

The Language Of The Soul

Everyone needs a theme song, that is something that me and a Bruins fan friend of mine decided yesterday (Mine happens to be Eric Johnson's 'The Cliffs of Dover') as we were very bored and started giving players on our respective teams appropriate accompanying songs. And since no one cares about the Bruins, I'll just give you the list of songs that I came up with for the only team that matters. Note: I'm a bit of a musical Hobo, so a few of these songs may not be easily recognizable, but I recommend downloading them all.

Mats Sundin - Metallica - Hero Of The Day. This song actually transcends Mats and belongs to all great Maple Leaf Captains (I.E. Dougie and Wendel) and I know most of you are like 'But doesn't Mats deserve his own song?' And yes, you would be correct. But since this is my favourite song ever, I can't think of anything that would suit him more.

Nik Antropov - Daft Punk - Technologic - Dude is a cyborg, abit one built in Canada so his Bionic Knees only have a 6 month warranty. Plus I hear he likes techno.

Mark Bell - Survivor - Eye Of The Tiger - Has a penchant for fighting and getting the holy hell kicked out of him and stubbornly always seems to want more, just like Rocky! (Tool's 'Sober' was a close runner up for Bell, same with NOFX's 'Seeing Double at the Triple Rock')

Boyd Deveraux, Dominic Moore, Kris Newbury, & John Pohl - Sahara Hotnights - No Big Deal- Really, these guys aren't much of a big deal, but like the song they are full of energy and at times make you want to jump around.

Alexei Ponikarovsky - Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong - A good player, has tendencies to be awesome but sometimes comes off as a bit emo. Still looking for his place on the team.

Matt Stajan - Godsmack - The Best I Can - He takes alot of flack for not developing at the rate most people would like, but always seems to be giving it his all, he's doing the best he can, now go away.

Alex Steen - CKY - Close Yet Far - Has shown flashes of the player he can be, but still has a bit to go.

Jiri Tlusty - Bad Religion - 21st Century Digital Boy - He likes his technology, it doesn't seem to like him though. He don't know how to live, but he's got alot of toys (just ask the ladies).

Darcy Tucker - Toby Keith - Ain't As Good as I Once Was - The title is pretty self explanatory. The lyrics even more so.

Kyle Wellwood - Weird Al - Eat It - Mmmmmm battered fist.

- Roger Alan Wade - Sometimes I Don't Know (If I'll Make It) - I mean, c'mon is anyone ever sure if he is going to make it out of a game uninjured? Not me. (Close runners up was Garth Brooks' 'Much To Young (To Feel This Old) and Incubus' 'Pardon Me)

Thomas Kaberle - Toto - Hold The Line - While he is more of an offensive defenseman, he is the backbone of the Leafs defensive core. Plus, can you honestly look at Kabby and say he isn't a Toto fan?

Pavel Kubina - Nickleback - Someday - Lately he has shown that he may be worth his salary....Someday.

Jason Blake - Flogging Molly - Selfish man - Jason, we know you can't hit the net, so why don't you PASS THE FUCKING PUCK ONCE AND A WHILE??

Bryan McCabe - Creed - Anything by Creed - Because no one likes Creed.

Anton Stralman - In Flames - Bullet Ride - This kid is on the fast track to being an NHL top 4 defenseman, plus, I bet he is a huge headbanger.

Ian White - Monty Python - I'm A Lumberjack (and I'm ok) - Dude grows a mean Lumberjack beard.

Vesa Toskala - Guyz Night - Die Hard - The Tosk has proven the he, much like John Mclean, is the real deal and no matter how much crap he is put through back there in the Leaf net he will stick it out and Die Hard!

Andrew Raycroft - Adam Sandler - What The Hell Happened To Me?- Seriously Andrew, a Calder to this? What the hell dude?

The Toronto Maple Leafs - Dropkick Murphys - The Gauntlet - To make the playoffs, the Leafs have it in tough, so this never say die song I send to them for motivation.

Well thats the end of it, feel free to voice your own suggestions or your personal theme song in the comments.

Go Leafs Go!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Motivation From The Past

Well, the Leafs have to run the table to even have a chance at the playoffs this year. I have a case of beer riding on that outcome (bet set before the season, so stop looking at me like that). So, I give the Buds some video motivation in the form of pure awesome. The best Leaf video ever made about the best former Leaf ever with one of the best songs ever. EVER!!!

Go Leafs Go!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Game Day: Drinking Black And Going Green Edition

Cheers dear readers. I am back. My illness has subsided to the point where I can coherently make an ass out of myself on the inter-tubes once again. Just in time to inhale way too much black beer at the pub while the Leafs continue their playoff push against the Slugs tonight.
And since my Irish heritage demands that I go pollute my liver at this moment, I leave you with some good Hockey / Drinking music (probably why they are one of my favourite bands)
Lady and germs, I give you The Dropkick Murphys.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


Goddamn, I am still sick, but I return. Only a Leaf fan could be as loyal to his readers as to fight through three different illnesses at the same time (Flu, Strep Throat and Chest infection) just to bring his readers a nugget of entertainment.
So, I'm starting a new gimick. Well it's not really new, I've done other installments, but now they have a title. Leaf-Alikes! First there was Kaberle V Ray Romano, then Mats Sundin V Billy Corgin and my personal fav, Tuuka Raask V Batboy!

Now I give you Poni V Drago!

He Must Break You!

Friday, March 7, 2008

Down With THe Sickness

The flue, she has me. Posts will be delayed, and or not funny until further notice.

Also, while I'm here, 17 points out of a possible 20 in your last 10 games? Who are you and what have you done with my team?

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Back In The Saddle

Yes dear readers, I have returned from my Hockey Missionary Mission to Cuba. The word of Blue and White was spread from Veradero to Havana, it seemed as if every local wanted my Maple Leaf hat for their very own. Cubans have good taste.
I have good news, and bad news. Good news is I am recharged and raring to go with my usual dose of serious, in depth hockey commentary and coverage, but the bad news is that my memory card in my digital camera somehow got corrupted and the first edition of Traveling Tie Dom-key was lot to 101 error hell.

Now back to hockey. Holy crapola is there a lot of reading to catch up on. Trade deadline day seemed rather anti-climactic other than the Richards and Hossa moves. The Leaf Fire sale turned into an unsuccessful yard sale when no one decided to wave their NTCs and the Buds were only able to deal away some fringe players. I will miss Gill on the PK and Kilger when he decided to play phyisical. Belak going hit me the hardest though. His sense of humour and love of the game, the city and the fans were a true delight to behold. He knew his roll and was only too happy to fill it. A working class hockey player who was just content as could be to be playing hockey for a living in Toronto. You'll be missed Wade, and remember, when your contract is up, you are more than welcome to come back.

Also, the Ottawa Senators are sucking it up oldschool, which was a delight to discover. And speaking about those Trojan dotting dorks, I can't escape them even in Cuba. A heated debate in a Cuban cigar bar with one (good natured of course) made the highlight real of my trip. Especially when he found out that I was Jared, from London. Apparently he reads the BoO and occasionally drifts over to my little neck of the internet once and a while., probably more often now. I knew I said I wouldn't do this, but Mike, OTTAWA SUCKS!!