Monday, December 29, 2008

May All The Somethings be Forgotten!

No one knows the words to that damned song anyways.
Without fan fare or a huge write up, here are the Leafs New Years Resolutions.

Jeff Finger - To be More noticeable so the the media can rip on him for his giant salary.
Mike Van Ryan - To look both ways before going near the boards.
Pavel Kubina - Keep his skates sharp and use wooden sticks that don't break all the time.
Thomas Kaberle - Ignore the fact that he has an NTC.(sorry eyebelief)
Ian White - Let the mustache do the talking.
Jamie Sifers - Realize how lucky he is and try not to become the new Herpes.
Luke Schenn - Try and be less perfect, the rest of the Leafs are jelous. And Erase Jason Spezza from existence.
Matt Stajan - To Keep his eye off the ball.
Andre Devaux - work out that right arm so he can finally chuck that over head bomb he so desperately needs.
Jamal Mayers - To punch opponents as hard as he punched the boards.
Lee Stempniak - To do something....anything of merit in a Leafs uniform.
Jason Blake - To go to anger management about his hatred of NHL logos.
Nik Kulemin - To not get discouraged and think, next year is the year.
Mikhail Grabovski- To prove to the world that he is a Caldar Candidate.
Alexi Ponikarovski - To quit smoking and loose 10lbs.
Nik Antropov - To get a tan, so he doesn't get a terrible sunburn when he gets traded to Florida for J-Bo (sorry PPP)
Dominic Moore - To stop attacking players twice his size, and go after Jarkko Ruutu.
John Mitchell - To call his mother at least once a week.
Jeremy Williams - To shoot more, but keep that shooting percentage where it is.
Ryan Hollweg - Memory lessons, so he can remember that numbers are on the back and you shouldn't hit them.
Johnas Frogren - To channel the spirit of both Dany Markov and Erik The Red every game.
Anton Stralman - To realize that he is the next Nik Lidstrom, not the next Aki Berg.
Curtis Joseph - To finally finnish reading Old Yeller, and take a hint.
Vesa Toskala - To realize that if he plays well, he can go back to the sun belt and obscurity.
Ron Wilson - To yell less, and hit more.
Brian Burke - To not be anything resembling JFJ
Cliff Fletcher - To eat more prunes.

Friday, December 19, 2008

The Road Was Long, With A Many A Winding Turn

Yesterday, when it happened, I was numb. I also promised myself I wasn't going to respond because I knew every other Leaf blogger and most others will have blogpinions about it.
But then I slept on it.
Waking was a revelation. I. Don't. Care.
Whatever team Sundin picked, whatever his reasons for going there, for not retiring, for not returning. I. Don't. Care.
Honestly, this drug out for so long, every possible decision was explored ad-nausium and it plumb tuckered me out.
Several facts stand.
-Sundin was, and until further notice, is the greatest Leaf of all time (until surpassed by Schenn of course).
-Sundin is gone, and is not our problem any more.
-Sundin's shadow is gone, the Leafs can pick a capitan and move on with life.

I wish Sundin well in all his future ventures and harbour no hard feelings towards him.
Lets move on and focus on the team.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Leaf-Alikes: I'm On To You Edition

They say that imitation is the greatest form of flattery, but I'm on to you Scott Clemmensen. Just because you donned the Blue and White for a season doesn't mean you can go riding the coat tales of my favourite goalie ever.
Minor changes can't hide your attempt to steal some Potvin mojo.
God will find you...and punch out all your blood!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Total Recall

General hung over remembrances from a night at the Alphabet.

Warm up Skate.
- Wow...Hollweg is one greasy looken bastard.
- Ian White's stache has magnetism.
- HSBC ushers are asshats, I'll stand wherever the crap I want.
- Holy crap, Moore looks even more like Dexter in person.
- Blake is a tiny tiny man.
- Grabbo is so happy like all the time, he won't stop smiling.
- Seifers looks confused.

First Period.
- 6 bucks American for an American beer....I can't decide if this is a good deal or not, Tastes like apple juice.
- Booing over the Go Leafs Go chant = LAME COMEBACK
- Devaux looks kinda lost
- Jebus, Blake is one speedy tiny man.
- Wow. These Sabres fall down more than a one legged drunk.
- Damnit Vesa! (0-1 Sabres)
- Woo Vesa!
- Wow...what a bullshit call.

Second Period
- This crappy beer goes down easy....almost too easy.
- This PK is bomb diggity.
- Williams and Mitchell are everywhere.
- Ian White possesses magical facial hair powers.
- you see that wrister? Goddamn laser I tell ya.
- The Vesa abides!
- Devaux is looking for a scrap, the Sabres are looking at their laces.
- Oooo Stemps jabs the Sabre right in the mush, GET UP YOU BABY!
- I need more beer.

Third Period
- Kick ass PK boys!
- The Vesa Abides!
- I love beer, beery beery beer, here it goes down, down into my belly
- Grabbo has that grin on his face still. Kool-aid looks like he forgot to do something.
- Seifers destroys a Sabre by the bench, I am pleased
- Way to hit the net ya goof! Ha!
- We win, Sabre fans not happy.
- No wonder they hate us so, there is no way anyone can stand up and compare to a fan base like ours, we OWN downtown Buffalo.

Post game
- lets find more beer
- Wow, every bar is packed with Leaf fans except the one that has a dress code (IE no good hockey jerseys)
- mmmm beer!
- Buffalo fans are not aprriciative of us propping up their economy.
- My throat is so sore I taste blood, beer is the only thing that makes it better.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Slugfest 2008

Hello dear readers.

This may be my last communication with you. Tomorrow, round the noonish hour I shall be headed South to Buffalo NY. Or as it is known in some parts of Canada "that place we try not to think about" (not to be confused with Hamilton) to watch the Glorious Maple Leafs battle their sluggish QEW rivals the Slugs.

It shall be a day of firsts. My first American Leaf game. The first Leaf game for the Borchevski 'numbers? I don't need no stinken' numbers' jersey.

It may however, be a day of lasts. I am after all, going to Buffalo, which is in NY. And tourists are ALWAYS getting shot, stabbed and maimed by crazy Americans and the friendly friends attending the game with me and driving wont let me bring the mini-gun.

But fear not, for if I go down, I will go down screaming "VIVA LA MAPLE LEAF!".

If I do some how make it back from the wild Americas I will regail you all with my adventurous tales and wacky anecdotes about American culture and their amusing languages.

Look for me, my friends, on the TV, I'll probably be the one running away from the cops.


Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Monday, December 8, 2008

Feature Creature

The Sean Avery story, coming to a theater near you this spring

Friday, December 5, 2008


Because I enjoy lists so much, and there has been much pondering why Thomas of Kaberle isn't playing up to snuff, I give you the top ten reasons Kabby hasn't been himself.

10 - Woznewski left his Kabby voodoo doll in a damp area, and its heart of gold (just like the real Kabby) is getting rusty, slowing him down.

9 - The real Kaberle is in a dimension far far away, This clone he left is reaching the end of its limited lifespan, loosing momentum.

8 - He saw how much money Wade Redden is getting from the Rangers and has been depressed ever since.

7 - He misses Mats, and no amount of ice cream can fill the hole in his heart.

6 - With Kyle Wellwood gone, he has no one to bake his special Czech happy fun time cake for, and has to eat it all himself. Tummy aches plus 20+ minuites a night doesn't equal good play.

5 - Luke Schenn's aura is so distracting he can't focus.

4 - He accidently looked into Matt Stajans eyes during the pre-season, has been lost ever since.

3 - Habs fans have his Pug "Mr Wiggles" held hostage and are blackmailing him into playing poorly. Also Mr. Wiggles is an expert computer programmer and they needed him to set up that All star auto-vote program.

2 - His brother, the lesser Kaberle, keeps calling him every night and whispering "I have a Stanley Cup ring and you don't" which enrages Kabby so much his cheeks get so intensly hot he cannot sleep for fear of burning down his house.

1 - It is all a clever ploy to land the Leafs a solid draft possition, Kabby knows whats best for the team.