Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Zappy Zappy

Apologies Bruins and Bruins fans alike. When deciding where to point the anti Playoff hate ray (patent pending) for the second round, I got a text from a friend of mine that went somewhere along the lines of "WOOOOOO BRUINS RULE, LEAFS SUCK, SUCK SUCK SUCK"
In an angry moment the ray found itself pointed your way.
See you on the green!

Friday, April 24, 2009

Hey Look, A Title

Ok, I am not one for numbers, I'm not a huge fan of statistical analysis or anything like that, but lately (I.E since ever) I have been hearing some rumblings, mainly from fans of other Canadian teams about how consistently terrible the Leafs are, how they are the worst team ever yadda yadda yadda. I am sure most of you have also been subjected to it as well.
So this got me kinda curious. Who really is the best Canadian team? Who is the worst? This called for some digging I thought. So I devised a system. Totally ignoring the regular season, which will probably piss off Sens fans, I opted for a point system based only on how far each team made it in the playoffs. Each team got 1 point for making the playoffs, 2 for making it to the second round, 3 for making the conference finals, 4 for making the semi's and 5 for a cup win and of course nothing for not making the post.
For time frame, I went with the 1993 NHL playoffs because it was the first year all teams that play now existed to last year, because, well this playoff season isn't over yet.
This is how things stack up.

Leafs 3, 3, 1, 1, 0, 0, 3, 2, 2, 3, 1, 2, 0, 0, 0, 0 = 21
Habs 5, 1, 0, 1, 1, 2, 0, 0, 0, 2, 0, 2, 0, 1, 0, 2 = 15
Sens 0, 0, 0, 0, 1, 2, 1, 1, 1, 2, 3, 1, 0, 2, 4, 1= 19
Flames 1, 1, 1, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 4, 0, 1, 1, 1 = 11
Oilers 0, 0, 0, 0, 2, 2, 1, 1, 1, 0, 1, 0, 0, 4, 0, 0 = 12
Nucks 2, 4, 2, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0, 1, 1, 2, 1, 0, 0, 2, 0= 16

Interesting, very interesting. Look who is on top.
First off let me say how terrible the Flames have been since 93, sure they had that Cinderella run but other than that never made it out of the first round and missed the playoffs 8 times, 7 of those in a row.
The Oilers weren't much better, again a Cinderella run but only made it out of the first three times.
The Habs, even with their cup way back in 93 have been mediocre. Missing the playoffs 7 times with a 3 year drought but were at least able to make it out of the first 5 times including their cup.
The Canucks started decently, with their run to the finals in 94, but since have missed the playoffs 7 times with a 4 year absence.
The Sens, being an expansion team, understandably missed the playoffs a few times (four) int a row to start their NHL experience, got progressively better as they built up draft picks and prospects until their cup run 2 years ago.
The Leafs, while being the only team never to make the cup final made it to the conference final 4 times. They have also been terrible recently.

Totals including this years so far results are as follows
Leafs = 21
Habs = 16
Sens = 19
Flames = 12
Oilers = 12
Nucks = 16

The Canucks could catch and tie the Leafs IF they win the cup, and the Flames could jump to third.
This being a quick (1 hour) study, I don't expect this to swing the confidence of any rival fans out there, but it should give them something to chew on when they go on to say how much better their team has been than the Leafs.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Its Baaaaaack

The Anti-Playoff Hate Ray makes its 2009 debut, Target number one, you guessed it.
Les Miserable themselves.
Your post season days be numbered Habitants! Flee!!!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Skull Candy

Well my little chickadee's, the NHL season is over. Yeah yeah yeah, I know there is playoffs and all that jazz, but honestly do they matter sans Leafs? Of course not, don't be silly. Nothing that doesn't include Toronto matters, don't you read the papers?
What do we do now? Watch these 'playoffs'? watch one of those lesser sports? play DDR excessively?
Well, for those of you wondering what the BEST options you have at your disposal are, I have compiled a top ten list, I love lists

10 - Stare at a picture of Gary Betman and try to make his eyeballs explode with your mind

9 - watch All Heart over and over and over and over and over and over and over (this goes on for a while)

8 - Try, without success to keep track of all the young prospects Burke signs

7 - Grow a mustache to further your career

6 - Over value the current Leaf roster so your draft day hopes and ridiculous predictions crush your soul.

5- Play NHL 09 ad nausium and hope that your Xbox gets struck by lightening and that Leaf dynasty you built appears on the ACC ice.

4 - Send threats to any GM who drafts a head of the Leafs demanding that they trade their first rounder to Burke or else "you know who" will visit them in the night.

3 - Play DDR excessively

2 - Wear your Leaf gear everywhere just to piss off fans of other teams, respond to their "not in the playoffs" retorts with a paintball gun you have concealed in your TML Snuggie.

1- Fantasize endlessly about Luke Schenn, as if you already weren't

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Lost Footage

Heeeeeeey Peoples, remember when I went to that Oilers VS Leafs game a bit back? Well I took some pictures, I figured you may want to ch-ch-check em out.
Also Eyebelief hunt was a failure, I tried to trap him with strawberry rhubarb pie, but all I caught was a very confused Kyle Wellwood.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Spoiler Night In Canada

It is the Montreal Canadians "Centennial" season. They got the All-Star game, they got the Draft, they got a bleeding Loonie to mark that shit.
This was supposed to be their season.
Enter The Toronto Maple Leafs. A team everyone picked to finish in Islander territory.
Enter Michail Grabovski. A man tossed away by his former team.
In this match up the Leafs have taken 3 of 5, the winner of every game scoring no less than 5 goals.
In this match up Grabbo has all but owned the Habs night in and night out, highlighted by a blood feud with the fellow Belerussian tit brothers.
The table is set for a good game of hockey, Why isn't this funn you ask? Why does it have to be I ask, I mean, I have more than on demension. I can do a lot of things, I'm not only a comedian, I am a serious sports fan and can write serious sports related stuff as you just read. Hell I'm a poet too. Don't believe me? Check this fresh ass shit out.

Habs In Tee - Oh
Grabbo owns your Habitant ass
First Round Exit bitch!

I am also a Libra and enjoy smores pop tarts, cheese cake and making love by the fire light with a delectable lady.

And I am also quite amazing.

Yeeeeeah Booooooyiiiiii