Monday, October 6, 2008

Hip-Hop-Hurray

Monday, October 6th, 2008.
The Toronto Maple Leafs gather in their dressing room before an early morning practice.

Stajan: Hey, where the hell is Mark?

Poni: I do not know comrade, he say he coming over for pizza and sleep-over party last night, but he not come, Jason Blake even make him smores.

Blake: I wish you would stop addressing me by by full name.

Poni: Who is you?

Suddenly the chatter stops as a deep bass sound is heard, coming towards the room. The door swings open and in steps Ron Wilson carrying a boom box over his shoulder B-Boy style. DMX's Ruff Ryder Anthem Blaring from the speakers. Wilson is wearing his regular suit, but a huge gold chain with a massive Diamond encrusted Blue Maple Leaf dangling from it. He also sports two five finger rings with the words "Maple" and "Leafs" embossed on them with jewels and a pair of ridiculous Kanye West style sunglasses. He sets the boom box down and turns down the tunes so he can speak over them.

Wilson: Wassup bitches??

The team is shocked silent.

Wilson: I said wassup, you wack ass fools, don't y'all know you aught'a address yo coach when he axes you a quizzestion?

Poni raises his hand

Wilson: Talk to me P.

Poni: Uh, coach, confused we is. Why you suddenly all shiny and talking like the big snoopy dogg?

Wilson: Thats simple you crack'a ass crack'a. I'm trying to inject a lil thug life up in y'all grillz.

He smiles revealing an over the top grill in his mouth with TML in diamonds on it.

Wilson: I gots dis fly brain wave last night after that crizzash and bizzurn y'all had last night. If we gonna get round to hangen' on to them two G leads, we gotta be bang' and hang'n tough. And what is mo bangin' than black hip hop culture? We gonna get our crunk on, West coast style!

Mayers: I find this offensive.

Wilson: Quiet honky.

Haggman: Was that a New kids reference?

Steen: Do you even know what half the stuff you are saying means?

Wilson: I know that y'all is a bunch'a bustas, and I need y'all to be rollin' like OG's.

Tlusty: Oppressive Gonorrhea?

Wilson: Wha?...No! Remind me to bitch slap your ass late'a fool.

Antro: You may not want to do that Commerade, catch some interwebs cooties you might, Lenin knows where he has been.

Wilson:Ya'll is wack as can be. So to show you how OGs get down, I went and scooped me a hard core OG from the block, this bad ass mofo is straight up loco and he's gonna show you fools how to get down and dirty on tha ice. Fo Shizz.

Wilson opens the door again and calls out.

Wilson: Yo, MC Crunch, time to break these honkys off a lil somethin' somethin'.

Not a second later a large section of the wall of the dressing room literally disintegrates and Wendel Clark steps through the hole cracking his knuckles

Wendel: It's time to rain pain and hail hurt, bitches!

The room explodes in panicked motion as everyone scurries for cover.

White: SQUEEEEEEL!

Steen: PLEASE DON'T PUNCH OUT MY BLOOD, I NEED THAT FOR CIRCULATING OXYGEN TO MY VITAL ORGANS!

Poni: I HATE YOU SNOOPY DOGG!

Carlo: AUGH! HIS VOICE SHATTERED MY TIBIA, HELP!

Wilson smiles and cranks the tunes and raises the roof as the entire Leaf squad scampers around in circles trying to avoid Wendel, who is having too much fun scaring them to do any damage, except for Carlo, whose bones shatter every time Wendel utters a word. Eventually the team manages to find the door and run out, Wendel hot on their heals.

Wilson: YEEEEAH BOOOOIIIII!

7 comments:

Down Goes Brown said...

Absolutely true fact: If you show my 20-month old daughter a picture of Wendel ask who it is, she says "Wendel Clark". If you ask what he does, she says "punch out all your blood".

wrap around curl said...

Imagining this http://www.geocities.com/loisabductions/wavs/CHW/chwseth2.jpg

While reading it made it so much funnier.

Loser Domi said...

crap Jared, that was awesome and frightening at the same time. Poni really is a crack'a ass cracka

PPP said...

Is it weird that I can hear exactly what Wilson would sound like if he said those things?

Sometimes I think Leaf fans are sick then I remember that it's just sports fans.

Loser Domi said...

Did Wendel ghost ride on a short bus for his entrance?

Sherry said...

Tlusty: Oppressive Gonorrhea?

Oh, Tlusty. We all knew you were a slut bag.

eyebleaf said...

I can so see Poni addressing Blake as only "JasonBlake"...

well done, Jared, well done.