Monday, December 29, 2008

May All The Somethings be Forgotten!

No one knows the words to that damned song anyways.
Without fan fare or a huge write up, here are the Leafs New Years Resolutions.

Jeff Finger - To be More noticeable so the the media can rip on him for his giant salary.
Mike Van Ryan - To look both ways before going near the boards.
Pavel Kubina - Keep his skates sharp and use wooden sticks that don't break all the time.
Thomas Kaberle - Ignore the fact that he has an NTC.(sorry eyebelief)
Ian White - Let the mustache do the talking.
Jamie Sifers - Realize how lucky he is and try not to become the new Herpes.
Luke Schenn - Try and be less perfect, the rest of the Leafs are jelous. And Erase Jason Spezza from existence.
Matt Stajan - To Keep his eye off the ball.
Andre Devaux - work out that right arm so he can finally chuck that over head bomb he so desperately needs.
Jamal Mayers - To punch opponents as hard as he punched the boards.
Lee Stempniak - To do something....anything of merit in a Leafs uniform.
Jason Blake - To go to anger management about his hatred of NHL logos.
Nik Kulemin - To not get discouraged and think, next year is the year.
Mikhail Grabovski- To prove to the world that he is a Caldar Candidate.
Alexi Ponikarovski - To quit smoking and loose 10lbs.
Nik Antropov - To get a tan, so he doesn't get a terrible sunburn when he gets traded to Florida for J-Bo (sorry PPP)
Dominic Moore - To stop attacking players twice his size, and go after Jarkko Ruutu.
John Mitchell - To call his mother at least once a week.
Jeremy Williams - To shoot more, but keep that shooting percentage where it is.
Ryan Hollweg - Memory lessons, so he can remember that numbers are on the back and you shouldn't hit them.
Johnas Frogren - To channel the spirit of both Dany Markov and Erik The Red every game.
Anton Stralman - To realize that he is the next Nik Lidstrom, not the next Aki Berg.
Curtis Joseph - To finally finnish reading Old Yeller, and take a hint.
Vesa Toskala - To realize that if he plays well, he can go back to the sun belt and obscurity.
Ron Wilson - To yell less, and hit more.
Brian Burke - To not be anything resembling JFJ
Cliff Fletcher - To eat more prunes.

Friday, December 19, 2008

The Road Was Long, With A Many A Winding Turn

Yesterday, when it happened, I was numb. I also promised myself I wasn't going to respond because I knew every other Leaf blogger and most others will have blogpinions about it.
But then I slept on it.
Waking was a revelation. I. Don't. Care.
Whatever team Sundin picked, whatever his reasons for going there, for not retiring, for not returning. I. Don't. Care.
Honestly, this drug out for so long, every possible decision was explored ad-nausium and it plumb tuckered me out.
Several facts stand.
-Sundin was, and until further notice, is the greatest Leaf of all time (until surpassed by Schenn of course).
-Sundin is gone, and is not our problem any more.
-Sundin's shadow is gone, the Leafs can pick a capitan and move on with life.

I wish Sundin well in all his future ventures and harbour no hard feelings towards him.
Lets move on and focus on the team.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Leaf-Alikes: I'm On To You Edition

They say that imitation is the greatest form of flattery, but I'm on to you Scott Clemmensen. Just because you donned the Blue and White for a season doesn't mean you can go riding the coat tales of my favourite goalie ever.
Minor changes can't hide your attempt to steal some Potvin mojo.
God will find you...and punch out all your blood!




Saturday, December 13, 2008

Total Recall

General hung over remembrances from a night at the Alphabet.

Warm up Skate.
- Wow...Hollweg is one greasy looken bastard.
- Ian White's stache has magnetism.
- HSBC ushers are asshats, I'll stand wherever the crap I want.
- Holy crap, Moore looks even more like Dexter in person.
- Blake is a tiny tiny man.
- Grabbo is so happy like all the time, he won't stop smiling.
- Seifers looks confused.

First Period.
- 6 bucks American for an American beer....I can't decide if this is a good deal or not, Tastes like apple juice.
- Booing over the Go Leafs Go chant = LAME COMEBACK
- Devaux looks kinda lost
- Jebus, Blake is one speedy tiny man.
- Wow. These Sabres fall down more than a one legged drunk.
- Damnit Vesa! (0-1 Sabres)
- Woo Vesa!
- Wow...what a bullshit call.

Second Period
- This crappy beer goes down easy....almost too easy.
- This PK is bomb diggity.
- Williams and Mitchell are everywhere.
- Ian White possesses magical facial hair powers.
- WOOOOOOOOO WILLIAMS!!! (1-1)
- you see that wrister? Goddamn laser I tell ya.
- The Vesa abides!
- MIIIIIILLER. MIIIIIIIILLER.
- Devaux is looking for a scrap, the Sabres are looking at their laces.
- Oooo Stemps jabs the Sabre right in the mush, GET UP YOU BABY!
- I need more beer.

Third Period
- Kick ass PK boys!
- The Vesa Abides!
- I love beer, beery beery beer, here it goes down, down into my belly
- Grabbo has that grin on his face still. Kool-aid looks like he forgot to do something.
- Seifers destroys a Sabre by the bench, I am pleased
- Way to hit the net ya goof! Ha!
- WOOOOO IAN WHITE !!!
- We win, Sabre fans not happy.
- No wonder they hate us so, there is no way anyone can stand up and compare to a fan base like ours, we OWN downtown Buffalo.

Post game
- lets find more beer
- Wow, every bar is packed with Leaf fans except the one that has a dress code (IE no good hockey jerseys)
- mmmm beer!
- Buffalo fans are not aprriciative of us propping up their economy.
- My throat is so sore I taste blood, beer is the only thing that makes it better.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Slugfest 2008

Hello dear readers.

This may be my last communication with you. Tomorrow, round the noonish hour I shall be headed South to Buffalo NY. Or as it is known in some parts of Canada "that place we try not to think about" (not to be confused with Hamilton) to watch the Glorious Maple Leafs battle their sluggish QEW rivals the Slugs.

It shall be a day of firsts. My first American Leaf game. The first Leaf game for the Borchevski 'numbers? I don't need no stinken' numbers' jersey.

It may however, be a day of lasts. I am after all, going to Buffalo, which is in NY. And tourists are ALWAYS getting shot, stabbed and maimed by crazy Americans and the friendly friends attending the game with me and driving wont let me bring the mini-gun.

But fear not, for if I go down, I will go down screaming "VIVA LA MAPLE LEAF!".

If I do some how make it back from the wild Americas I will regail you all with my adventurous tales and wacky anecdotes about American culture and their amusing languages.

Look for me, my friends, on the TV, I'll probably be the one running away from the cops.

PEACE OUT!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Monday, December 8, 2008

Feature Creature



The Sean Avery story, coming to a theater near you this spring

Friday, December 5, 2008

Kaber-lul

Because I enjoy lists so much, and there has been much pondering why Thomas of Kaberle isn't playing up to snuff, I give you the top ten reasons Kabby hasn't been himself.

10 - Woznewski left his Kabby voodoo doll in a damp area, and its heart of gold (just like the real Kabby) is getting rusty, slowing him down.

9 - The real Kaberle is in a dimension far far away, This clone he left is reaching the end of its limited lifespan, loosing momentum.

8 - He saw how much money Wade Redden is getting from the Rangers and has been depressed ever since.

7 - He misses Mats, and no amount of ice cream can fill the hole in his heart.

6 - With Kyle Wellwood gone, he has no one to bake his special Czech happy fun time cake for, and has to eat it all himself. Tummy aches plus 20+ minuites a night doesn't equal good play.

5 - Luke Schenn's aura is so distracting he can't focus.

4 - He accidently looked into Matt Stajans eyes during the pre-season, has been lost ever since.

3 - Habs fans have his Pug "Mr Wiggles" held hostage and are blackmailing him into playing poorly. Also Mr. Wiggles is an expert computer programmer and they needed him to set up that All star auto-vote program.

2 - His brother, the lesser Kaberle, keeps calling him every night and whispering "I have a Stanley Cup ring and you don't" which enrages Kabby so much his cheeks get so intensly hot he cannot sleep for fear of burning down his house.

1 - It is all a clever ploy to land the Leafs a solid draft possition, Kabby knows whats best for the team.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Being Brian Burkavich

Hey, did you know that the Leafs just got some dude named Brian Burke as their new GM? I know right? This so came out of nowhere. I hope he knows what he's doing and has some experience. I mean its not like I've had his draft and team building Record smashed over my head for the past few months.

So, Like any normal person, I thought, what players would I pursue if I were put in Brian Burke's shoes? What draft pick would be ideal? Who would remain as veteran Leafership? Who would stay?

Here are my top ten Burke should do's.

1 - Get a top 3 draft pick, through trades or luck of draw (or suck of the team) the Leafs should be determined to land one of Tavares, Hedman or Cowen
2- Get a secondary top ten draft pick, this is a deep draft, go for gusto.
3- Get rid of Ryan Hollweg. Make him a salary dump, a buy out whatever, and give his spot to Devaux
4- Persue either Rick Nash or Kovalchuck (you all know who I want more) with reckless abandon.
5- Save Dustin Tokarski from the Tampa system, attractive female insider information has informed me Tampa has no real intrest in this Gem of a goalie. Its Tampa for crapsake, we should be able to get him for a coke and a smile.
6- Find a suitable goaltender to threaten Toskala for number one, or atleast will be a more ample backup than Cujo and a reasonable price.
7- Lock up Antro
8- Get as many prospects and picks as you can for whatever you can, but ensure you leave one of Kubina or Kaberle on the back end. Their leadership may be needed on the back end.
9- Give Pogge 5 games this year. Near the end (if he is playing well enough to deserve in in the AHL) Give him a taste.
10- Cut off Peddies hands if he tries to stear the good ship Maple Leaf at all. No warnings.

And then I woke up and realized my pillow was gone.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The New Hotness




Yeah, thats right it says Borschevsky on the back, Big pimin indeed.
Inexplicably there is no numbers, but considering I paid $5 for it and there is no damage, I am not gonna complain

LoLeafs- Not So Funny Edition

Since Matt Stajan has now lost his last two BFFs he isn't too happy, just look

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Busy Busy Busy

Yes, dearies I am still around, I have just been spending my energies else where as of late. Working on a secret project if you will. I was originally going to keep it a surprise and unveil it when completed, but teasing is ever so much fun.
So here you go, a taste of what I've been working on.


Friday, November 14, 2008

Quick Stop

Since I am on a strange, archaic computer in my parents basement (as opposed to the familiar archaic computer in my apartment) I'll make this short and sweet.

The Top 5 Funniest Things That Could Happen This Season.

In not particular order

5- Burke could sign in NYC and the mitten stringers would have to eat their hats.
4- Grabbo wins the Calder, Montreal insists he is a terrible player and a cancer, look stupider than usual.
3- Jason Blake impresses some team enough to take a trade for picks/prospects.
2- The Leafs make the playoffs and Cliff is still able to swindle a top 5 pick out of some team.
1- Both Schenn and Grabbo get Calder nominations and everyone who isn't a Leaf fan insists we have no good young tallent.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Dirty Laundry

I was at the jersey store today, deciding on what Leaf to get put on my first reebok jersey (Schenn ahead of Grabs turns out) and I noticed that there were a couple jerseys from other teams that a part of me actually considered buying. I know, blasphemy right? But I know some of you out there have considered it so don't string me up yet, wait till the end of the post.

Since lists are fun, I decided to make one.
The Top 10 Jerseys from other teams that I wouldn't mind wearing.

1- An Ovie jersey, no explanation needed.
2- A Wayne Gretzky Oilers Jersey. You cannot deny the awesomeness that was 99 on the Oil (wearing void in Western Canada)
3- A Gordie Howe Whalers Jersey. Whalers = Awesome, Gordie = legend. Jersey = the Bomb.
4- A Steve Yzerman, Dude is the best leader in the history of hockey, screw you Messier.
5- A Joe Sakic Nordiques jersey. Supporting our Hab hating unfortunate team loosing brethren and honoring one of the best players of our time.
6- A Timmu Selanne Jets jersey (see a trend yet?). Arguably the best European player ever, and it pays tribute to my Northern friends in the Peg.
7- A Joe Thornton Sharks Jersey, just to rub it in my Bruins friends faces.
8- A Rick 'Motherfuckin' Nash jersey, so I could rip of the BJ's logo and sew on a Maple Leaf.
9- A Shane Doan Yotes Jersey. I have a mild man crush on Mr Doan.
10- An Alexander Daigle Sens Jersey with #1 on it to rub in in their faces. Just kidding I'd rather have a speeding bus for dinner than pull a trojan over my head.

Note: All other Team jerseys must be worn with a Leaf T-shirt underneath and a Leaf hat on, so everyone knows your real affiliation.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

For The Good Of Man Kind

This has been a long time coming.

*Sigh*

Dear Toronto Mitten Stringers., All of you....Some more than Others.

Where do I start? Really, there is so much I could write to you, so much I could complain and rant and rave about. I'm not going to mention any names, because I don't believe in calling people out.
Like many Leaf fans and Leaf bloggers, I've hit the wall with you recently. This simply isn't a case of one bad apple spoiling the whole bunch either. Many of you have, for a long time, been lazy and/or borderline offensive in your workings. Your writing is sloppy, your arguments weak and your reasoning lazy and flawed.
Now don't get me wrong, not all of it is bad, many of you write some good stuff. Some of you manage to do it on a consistent basis. I can even understand the drive to write the anger inspiring drivel that has become common place. When you write an article like that, you get a ton of positive response from all the anti-Torontites out there, the Habs fans, the Sens fans, what have you, and you get a negative response from us Leafers. That equals a ton of buzz about what you write and sells papers, gets ratings and even gives you a zillion hits online.
The sad thing is, that isn't journalism, its not reporting, its not even good writing. You are paid to be professionals. You are paid to get the truth and report it, sometimes give your own slant and comment to that effect. You are also paid to back up what you say with facts, and or logical reasoning. Spouting 1967, 40 years, Harold Ballard etc over and over again is lazy writing and you know it. Your goal should be to be the best you can be.
You want to just sell papers, and be moronic go ahead, there is nothing I can do to stop you. We'll still be here. True Leaf fans don't buy your garbage, and with wonderful fellows like PPP, DGB and the Cox Bloc boys out there, we are fighting the fight in our own way. There is strength in numbers, and logic. We have both, and nothing you can write will change that.
I'm not asking you to do anything drastic, like quit, or become something you are, I just want you to stop being so lazy and write the way you can write. You can still be negative and rip on the Leafs yes, we actually don't mind that at all. Just have a valid argument supporting your negative approach. Back it up with facts. Build some legitimate sources that aren't anonymous, that will actually give you some validity. You will still get all the anti-leafs congratulating you and you will still be the object of our disdain, but at least we will respect you as journalists, Hell you might even get more hits as self respecting Leaf fans who have boycotted your work (IE me) will again come back to read your stuff.

How hard can it be? No harder than it was for me to not rant and rave and swear at you in this letter thats for sure.

Clean up your fucking act you douche bags!

-JaredofLondon

Thursday, October 30, 2008

LolLeafs - My Little Poni Edition

*sigh* these seem to have caught on outside of me and LD, so I have to man up and throw down.


He also can has a delicious Cheese-Bourger. Mmmmmm.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Insane In The Membrane

I woke up this morning with a headache, and I knew it wasn't going to be a good day. I wandered out to the kitchen, found the pot of coffee was already empty, someone had drank it all. It just keeps getting better and better I thought. Then I heard laughter, coming from the living room, followed by a loud slurp. It could be no one else.

"Hey Buddy!" Myself greeted me as I walked into the living room, cup of coffee in his hand "Top O' the mornin' to ya"
"Whatever" I grumbled, swiping the near full coffee cup from his hand and taking a long haul, almost instantly feeling better.
"what the crap is your malfunction?" Myself questioned "Still sore from last nights loss of our beloved Buds?"
"No, of course not, that is to be expected"
"Bullshit, I saw that look in your eyes, the hope was there, last night was a grim reminder of just how untalented this team is, I just about bought you a pack of crayons"
"Quiet, you coffee stealing free loader, we both know the Leafs could have won if they'd sunk some of those chances. I mean if they had a legit finisher they would.."
"Stop right there Pocahontas, none of that one more peice bullshit, this team needs more than Rick Nash to become a cup contender"
"Rick Nash!"
"I said shut it, your not too bright this morning are you? A blindfolded Helen Keller could see that we are still at least two years away from threatening anyone for a playoff birth let alone a decisive run at Lord Stanley's mug."
"Your pretty negative today aren't you?"
"It's realism you ninny, this team finally has a few youngins' to build around, bringing in a Kovalchuk or a....Nash"
"RICK NASH!!!!"
"yeah... moving on, bringing in a player like that would be wonderful and all, but it won't turn this team into the 1997 Red Wings."
"But what if that player was Wendel Clark?"
"Exception to every rule, you know that"
It was then that I realized myself was the rational one, and that is never a good thing, so I went back to bed.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Looky Looky

Hey, go check out the link that this sentence doubles as.

It involves me answering funny questions written by attractive ladies.

DO IT!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Leaf-Alikes

Glow stick addition

Pump up the base, pop some E and get ready for the latest instalment of Leaf-Alikes


Thats right, its My Name is Jonas Froggy Frogren / Markov 2.0 VS The Techno Viking.

Break it down.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Fun WithCharts

Ive been gathering data for a while now and here are my results

Thursday, October 9, 2008

This Is A Slow Jam

It was their last real cup run
Down at the MLG
Unstoppable till Gilmour bled
It was the spring of 1993

Burns, man, that guy was cool
Had a team that only worked hard
Wendel fought, Probert got burried
Felix Potvin was a goaltending star
Oh when I youtube now
That Spring, it seemed to last forever
And it isnt even a choice
Ya - Id always wanna be there
Those were the games days of my life

Aint no use in complainin
When you got cheering to do
Watchen the Buds on Television
With beer and comfort food

Standin on the blue line
I wanted Dougie here forever
Oh and when you light the lamp
We that it was now or never
Those were the best games of my life

Back in the spring of 93

Wendel was killin teams
The Leafs were young and relentless
Our hope could not be defined
Fraser will burn forever - forever, yea

And now the team is a changin
Look at everyone thats come and gone
I often think of this original six team
I think about how we were wronged

Standin on the blue line
Wendel will rule forever
Oh the way you'd light that lamp
We knew that it was now or never
Those were the games days of my life

Back in the spring of 93

Monday, October 6, 2008

Hip-Hop-Hurray

Monday, October 6th, 2008.
The Toronto Maple Leafs gather in their dressing room before an early morning practice.

Stajan: Hey, where the hell is Mark?

Poni: I do not know comrade, he say he coming over for pizza and sleep-over party last night, but he not come, Jason Blake even make him smores.

Blake: I wish you would stop addressing me by by full name.

Poni: Who is you?

Suddenly the chatter stops as a deep bass sound is heard, coming towards the room. The door swings open and in steps Ron Wilson carrying a boom box over his shoulder B-Boy style. DMX's Ruff Ryder Anthem Blaring from the speakers. Wilson is wearing his regular suit, but a huge gold chain with a massive Diamond encrusted Blue Maple Leaf dangling from it. He also sports two five finger rings with the words "Maple" and "Leafs" embossed on them with jewels and a pair of ridiculous Kanye West style sunglasses. He sets the boom box down and turns down the tunes so he can speak over them.

Wilson: Wassup bitches??

The team is shocked silent.

Wilson: I said wassup, you wack ass fools, don't y'all know you aught'a address yo coach when he axes you a quizzestion?

Poni raises his hand

Wilson: Talk to me P.

Poni: Uh, coach, confused we is. Why you suddenly all shiny and talking like the big snoopy dogg?

Wilson: Thats simple you crack'a ass crack'a. I'm trying to inject a lil thug life up in y'all grillz.

He smiles revealing an over the top grill in his mouth with TML in diamonds on it.

Wilson: I gots dis fly brain wave last night after that crizzash and bizzurn y'all had last night. If we gonna get round to hangen' on to them two G leads, we gotta be bang' and hang'n tough. And what is mo bangin' than black hip hop culture? We gonna get our crunk on, West coast style!

Mayers: I find this offensive.

Wilson: Quiet honky.

Haggman: Was that a New kids reference?

Steen: Do you even know what half the stuff you are saying means?

Wilson: I know that y'all is a bunch'a bustas, and I need y'all to be rollin' like OG's.

Tlusty: Oppressive Gonorrhea?

Wilson: Wha?...No! Remind me to bitch slap your ass late'a fool.

Antro: You may not want to do that Commerade, catch some interwebs cooties you might, Lenin knows where he has been.

Wilson:Ya'll is wack as can be. So to show you how OGs get down, I went and scooped me a hard core OG from the block, this bad ass mofo is straight up loco and he's gonna show you fools how to get down and dirty on tha ice. Fo Shizz.

Wilson opens the door again and calls out.

Wilson: Yo, MC Crunch, time to break these honkys off a lil somethin' somethin'.

Not a second later a large section of the wall of the dressing room literally disintegrates and Wendel Clark steps through the hole cracking his knuckles

Wendel: It's time to rain pain and hail hurt, bitches!

The room explodes in panicked motion as everyone scurries for cover.

White: SQUEEEEEEL!

Steen: PLEASE DON'T PUNCH OUT MY BLOOD, I NEED THAT FOR CIRCULATING OXYGEN TO MY VITAL ORGANS!

Poni: I HATE YOU SNOOPY DOGG!

Carlo: AUGH! HIS VOICE SHATTERED MY TIBIA, HELP!

Wilson smiles and cranks the tunes and raises the roof as the entire Leaf squad scampers around in circles trying to avoid Wendel, who is having too much fun scaring them to do any damage, except for Carlo, whose bones shatter every time Wendel utters a word. Eventually the team manages to find the door and run out, Wendel hot on their heals.

Wilson: YEEEEAH BOOOOIIIII!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Sing Loud, Sing Proud

There really is too much to love about watching an NHL Hockey game in Canada, live or on TV.
There is always a team playing that you an either throw all your love behind (see Maple Leafs, Toronto) or a team that you can try and hate to death the entire game (see Else, Everyone).

One of my favourite parts of the game, has little to do with hockey itself. The anthems. I love them. Except for on the rare occasion some shitty celebrity, or friend of Johnny the zamboni driver is handed the microphone and they manage to butcher our national pride of course.
But when done properly the anthems are an amazing thing, especially when you get both the American and Canadian anthems back to back (Canadian last, of course).

Nothing, but NOTHING, makes me happier and more proud to be a Canadian than hearing the words "God keep our land, Glorious and free" as the crowd swells into cheers and sings loudly along before the clincher of "Oh Canada, we stand on guard for thee" is belted out and it sounds like the whole country is either cheering or singing along".

It always gives me the shivers, and then hockey is on and we get to hear Bob Cole say his most ridiculous line of the night in introducing the goaltenders (this evenings masochists of the mesh mortuaries are..).

Good times, good times.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Putting Things In Perspective

I've heard a lot of bitc...I mean complaining about how the pre-season isn't real hockey, its too long it makes my butt look big in these pants, whatever.

Let me put it in perspective for you haters out there.

It's about 10 zillion times better than the offseason.

Monday, September 15, 2008

We Can Rebuild Them, Stronger...Faster...Less Offensively Dangerous

If you've been keeping track of what is happening to the line up of yonder Maple Leafs, you may have noticed a few changes in said locker room. But for ever face that has left, there is a fresh new mug for us to get acquainted with, a tit for tat if you will. Except there are no tits....Unless you count the MLSE.

These are the replacements.

The Original - Wade Belak
The Replacement - Jamal Mayers

For Better or for worse? Mayers is probably a better leader, and can actually put up a point or two, it is up in the air on who is a better fighter, but Mayers will never be able to make love to a camera like Wade.

The Original - Darcy Tucker
The Replacement - Ryan Hollweg

For Better of for worse? Hollweg is a tough, but semi dirty pest who is known for taking bad penalties. He will never be able to fill Tuckers water glass let alone replace him.

The Original - Kyle Wellwood
The Replacement - Michael Grabowski

For Better or for worse? Another smallish offensively gifted speedster with all the potential in the world? Dear god keep him away from Kirspy Kream.

The Original - Hall Gill
The Replacement - Jonas Frogden

For Better or for worse? The Frog seems to be willing to punish bitches with his size in where Hall would just use his massive wingspan as a roadblock. Experience is what worries me....well that and spiders.

The Original - Bryan McCabe
The Replacement - Mike VanRyan

For Better or for worse? VanRyan doesn't make me want to puke.

The Original - Andrew Raycroft
The Replacement - Curtis Joseph

For Better or for Worse? Cujo could be 20 years older, blind in both eyes and have a peg leg and still be a better back up than Raycroft. And we'd have a pirate on our team.
/scurvy dog joke.

The Origional - Mats Sundin
The Replacement - Keanu Reaves

For better or for worse? With the help of Gene Hackman and a plucky cheerleader who actually knows more about hockey than any GM or Coach in the NHL, Keanu will single handedly unite this team of misfits and transform them into an odd defying underdog story with hilarious antics and memorable speeches about!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Walk The Line

Hey look, I'm not dead! An odd combination of laziness and busyness have kept me from postyness. I was gonna do a rant, or something else. But I have decided that I am going to do something that is utterly pointless and predict the Leafs opening line ups for this season.
This is an exercise in futility and I know it. The roster is far from cemented and there are about eleventy billion question marks.
And thats why I'm doing it.....for the children, won't someone think of the children?

Starting line up
Blake - Antro - Pony
Is this the best possible line up? I doubt it, but I think Wilson will try to get the Antropony chemistry going, and give Blake a chance to find his top circle wrister groove again.

Second line
Grabowski - Steen - Tlusty
Youth and speed, this line will rule if they get chemestry going....and Grabowski doesn't suck.

Third line
Haggas - Stajan- Kulmenin
To ease Kulmenin into the NHL he'll get limited ice, hopefully he proves he is worthy of higher billing

Fourth - Checking Line
Mayers- Bell - Hollwigger
This line would be hella tough to play against.

First Defense Pairing
Kaberle - Kubina
No brainer

Second Defensive Pairing
Stralman - Finger (insert Pun)
Give the kid some good ice time, and let Finger attempt to prove his worth

Third Defensive Pairing
VanRyan - Carlo
brittle defense men FTW!

Floater
Boyce and White will share this, until Fletcher can unload White on Florida for draft picks.

Goalers
Starter
The Tosk
Doy!

Backup - doorman
Cujo
too bad we wont get to see much of that awesome mask.

Patsy
Leaf fans who still have a shred of hope that we wont suck so bad as to get laughed at my Lightning fans, but still secretly hope we tank bad enough to snag Tavares, but does it really matter because we won't be able to score tickets anyways.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

It Is Official

With the finalization of the McCabe to Florida deal it has finally become official. I have mystical magical super like powers.
Through the vessel that is this blog I have preformed amazing miracles, time and time again proving my amazing abilities.
The Open Letter is to be feared. For those of you not up to date. Every single person I have written an open letter to has been removed from the Toronto Maple Leafs in some way shape or form.
So now I have to make a decision, should I use these amazing demi-god like powers for good or evil?

Probably evil.....

I give new meaning to the words 'Dear John Letter'

Who should feel my wrath next? I have yet to decide....

Mine is an evil laugh.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Follicle Thoughts

I love getting my hair cut, I really do. Sitting in that chair is just so relaxing. I usually go into a trance of sorts, deep thoughts and all that jazz. I think about everything, from theoretical physics to hockey. Which brings me here today (well that and the cheesecake). Today during my monthly hair removal, I had some interesting revelations that I thought you might like to share in. And here they are in no particular order or context.

Un'ca Cliff is a genious. No bones about it, he played McCabe perfectly and I think he's doing the right thing with Sundin. Straight up heres what we'll give you, heres what we're doing with the team, we want you back but no pressure, have a good summer fishing and driving Volvos. I honestly thing it will work out. Jeff Finger figures (heh, Finger Figures) aside, his signings have all been smart. A surplus of Grit and defensivly minded players is never a bad thing. The Leafs don't have the guns to be a huge scoring machine, so they will become a shutdown machine.

Mark Bell is a perfect fit for this Leaf team. He is big, willing to play physical and what he has shown thus far in the Blue and White is that he is willing to sacrifice himself for the team. You have to respect that. He, like the Leafs is going through a rebuilding phase and I really think as this team grows, so will he. I don't ever expect him to regain his offensive skills that he showed in Chicago, but he has the blue print of someone who will do whatever he can to win, and carry the team on his shoulders to do it.

Once bread becomes toast, it can never go back.

If the Leafs name a Capitan (other than Mats) it should be Thomas Kaberle. If anything for his devotion and exceptional play for this team. Kabby may not be a powerful voice in the dressing room, but he leads by example on the ice. It would also show him the loyalty he deserves from this organization and show the rest of that their hard work will be rewarded.

Peddie is up to something. First bringing in Un'ca Cliff and giving him free reign, and then Wilson who is EXACTLY the coach that can make the parts this team has work as a machine. I don't like it.

I would trade Ian White for a cheeseburger, or a chicken sammich.....Is KFC still open?

My favourite move of the Leafs this off season (other than Shenn, natch) is snagging Curtis Joseph from the jaws of obscurity. It's win win for all parties involved. Cujo gets to prove himself to us again that he is worth our love. The MLSE gets a cheap, veteran goalie who can plug the holes and probably wont complain for a trade. The fans get to see that bitchen' Cujo mask painted in Blue and White, the way it should be. And Vesa gets one of the better goalies of all time to mentor him and a solid backup he can depend on if he needs a break.

I want Mats back, for if no reason than to give him a proper goodbye at the end of the year, he deserves the half hour long standing ovation he would get.

Heh...boobies...heh.

I like Mat Stajan better than Alex Steen, I don't know why. Toronto sports writters have spoiled my brain. I know Steen is better, and has more potential. But...Stajan is just so....something?
Ooo shiny scissors.

Shiny.......

Monday, August 18, 2008

Hit The Road Jack

Now we all (and by we I mean me and my friends that I grew up with, the rest of you I am not so sure) played a ton of road hockey in our younger days. Entire summers were spent chasing wayward tennis balls that missed the net, or yelling "Car" and halting the game for what I dubbed as a 'Zamboni run' when I was 9 (see I was as clever then as I am now).
The main part I remember is how much fun it was, especially since you really can't take road hockey seriously because nothing ever goes right. Players slip on loose gravel, goalie pad straps come undone at the most in-opportune time and there is usually a 5 year old in the mix who gets lost underfoot continuously creating an atmosphere of "where the hell is that little shit? I don't want to body check him into that on coming Buick".
The main reason road hockey is so fun is because you don't have to be good at hockey to enjoy it. Less skilled players can take out any offensive threat with the 'sweep my stick back and forth really fast so you can't get by me with the ball' move. The lack of ice takes the advantage away from those who can skate (assuming everyone can walk or jog at a decent rate) and those with wicked shots are kept in check by the "you miss the net, you chase the ball" policy. Sure, picking the corners is all well and good, but if you miss, your going for a jog my friend!
I particularly enjoy it because it is the only time I get to play goal. I always wanted to be a goalie, but according to my dad "goalie gear is too expensive to waist money on if you cant even skate" and then when I leaned to skate "You can skate to good to waist your efforts on being a goalie". Oh he was a crafty one, too bad he didn't know chicks dig goalies, because then maybe he'd stop bitchen' about me being single.

So heres the grandiose getting ahead of myself idea, I'll just throw it out there and see what sticks. A blogger road hockey game/tournament. Ideally it would pit bloggers of specific teams against each other, but seeing as how some teams have vastly more support than others, it wouldn't work too well. Maybe a 'Team barlikosphere' Vs the world concept? I dunno. The specifics of location, participation and such would have to of course be ironed out. And depending on the success, (or lack their of) I was thinking of maybe putting in and "all proceeds go to charity" thing. Yes I think big when I blog off of caffeine and no sleep. At the very least it could be an "all proceeds go to the bartender" deal.
So what is your take dear readers? Suggestions? Comments? Medication?

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Picture Me Rollin'

Hi everybody!
I guess it's been a little quiet round these parts the last little while, but then these are the dog days of summer, and that means two things. No hockey, and laziness of which the likes most have never seen, unless you watched Kyle Wellwood last year.
I've spent my time trying to keep up with the Olympics, but succeeding at only really paying attention to womens beach volleyball, getting in on some drunken live blogging of said Olympics (we talked about the Olympics a bit, I swear.) and of course finding Jesus. He was at Taco Bell, and I know it was him because his holy gases smelt like Wine and Fish.
I'll do what I can to post some more interesting crap than this soon, maybe even something hockey related. But I can't promise anything because I may get distracted by a shiny object again soon.

Oh yes, and McCabe looks gonzo by September first, this makes me want to tent my fingers and say 'excellent' and then release the hounds.
I've been watching a lot of The Simpsons......shut up.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Home Improvement

The Top 5 Ways To make the NHL Better
By someone doped up on back pain medication.

1. Eliminate profite sharing with the exceptions of expansion or recently moved teams for a period of 4 years. Let the weak die.

2. Remove the shootout. This is a team sport, not a side show (thats what the fights are for)

3. Keep fighting, but buckle down on the Chris Simon's and other freak-tards.

4. Abolish no movement clauses, no trade clauses are fine because they give players some bargining room at the table. But if the team really dosn't want you, they shouldn't have to keep you on the roster (said players will still be entitled to their signed contract pay).

5. Remove Gary Betman and replace him with a dried up turnip.

I can see through time!

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Take Two

General drunken thoughts of a Leaf fan, during the off season.

Seriously Mats, any time now dude.

I don't like you, stupid zebra striped people

don't look at me like that.

no touch icing dag nabbit, do it now.

Jack danials....jerk

..............ededeaza................

Thursday, July 31, 2008

LoLeafs - Indecision Edition

Insider information on what Mats is really doing!


Woo! Eat it Eklund!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Light Our Darkest Hour

In an attempt to play catch up with events that I missed like Carlo throwing an open ice it I'm gonna get with the program, lets see if I can avoid cracking my bean open on the boards.

Sexism. Something I am rather familiar with through many hyper-feminist post secondary educators, including one doozey who tried to get me kicked out of class because I refused to comply with her attempt to recruit the whole class into feminists I took the high road and said that the word feminism offends me because it implies that females are better than males ( I know this is not true, I was just saying it because she was being a self indulgent fascist) and that I was an equalist because I believed in equality above all things. Rant rant rant.

Because of this sexist crap about females of the blog-o-sphere not being able to hack it, or not knowing hockey from lawn darts and the making of sammiches and fetching of beers I have given my head a hard shake. I know ignorance like this exists, but to see it there in roman times 12 on my beloved inter-wubs always manages to make me question the value of a large percentage of humanity.

So instead of ranting like, well...me. I'm gonna throw down some props to some of the baddest bra bearing bloggettes around.

Scarlette Ice
Sherry, while having terrible tastes in hockey teams, has become a staple of fem-blogging. With a perfect blend of humour, wit and hockey insight she rivals some of the top blogs on the cyberweb with her writting. Sharpening her talents on the blog-o-sphere has helped her land a job covering hockey across the pond and I wouldn't be surprised if that one day lead her back to Canada covering her own team, or maybe even yours! dum dum dum!

Sportsquee
Margee knows more about sports than I could ever hope to. Football, baseball and most importantly hockey she covers and nails em all. Margee has an uncanny ability to make me laugh. She is probably the funniest person in the blog-o-sphere. She writes for the female sports fan, but the thing is, you don't have to be a female (Hi!) or a sports fan to get your moneys worth out of the site. Margee, you'se attractive.

The Wonderful World Of Loser Domi
Loser Domi has made a name for herself writing endlessly entertaining Leaf-slasher-fan-fic. She joins me on the bright side of the Barilkosphere in trying to bring comedy, and comedy alone to the Blue and White masses. She fights the good fight and knows how to dual Lol-pics like a veteran.

Wrap Around Curl
Wrap Around "Heather" Curl is another excellent blog lyricist. Her corner of the net is rapidly becoming one of my favourite bus stops and it was actually her post a few days ago that prompted me to give props to the ladies of blogdom. She excels at coherent thoughtful and funny ranting. Her hockey hotties series, while totally not ment for such as me is very interesting to watch. I expect big things from this blog in the coming times.

I Mean We Got Guys
Wrap Around Curl's partner in crime in the hockey hotties dream team. Another excellent blogger who focuses mainly on WHL hockey but also supports the Hurricanes and Maple Leafs and is a big fan of Thomas Kaberle. I can't argue with a Kabby fan. Also her recent post about being a hockey fan. Period. over at PPP Made all of us stop and think. *high five*

Hockey Ladies Of Greatness
A vast and wonderful collection of the best fem-bloggers around. It includes some of the above and a ton more that deserve post time but due to limited space I cannot add em all. Ch-ch-ch-check it out.

Apologies to those I did not include, its a large interwebs, rock on ladies, rock on!
Also, if you know where I got the title for this post, you are as big a nerd as I am.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Who Are You? Who? Who?....Who? Who?

After just listening to the newest, latest and most updatedest pod-cast at He Score He Shoot, it has come to my attention that I have never picked myself an NHL equivalent.
Now as a kid I always sort of fancied myself the Doug Gilmour type. I was smaller, tough and actually had the nick-name Killer (note, through my 'career' I have also had nicknames such as 'elbows' , 'hatchett' which is kinda a play on my last name and 'crash' all for my style of play) for a year on one of my Rep hockey teams as a youngin'. Now that seems a little sacreligious, not to mention preposterous as Dougie was a natural leader and excellent consistent point producer. Both of which I am not. Then I got to thinking maybe it was Darcy Tucker whom was my counterpart. Again, smaller of stature, tough as nails, and he agitated the crap out of everyone. But no again. Tucker liked to chirp a bit to get his opponents going, I always thought a stick to the back of the knee said more than words ever could. I also suck real bad at one-timers.
I am perplexed. Who the crap am I? So I turn to you, my dear readers.
In the comments I need some suggestions from y'all. I wanna know who you think fits this bill.
A smallish (under 6ft, 200lbs) natural winger with good wheels, a crash and bang style who likes to drive the net and is just as happy dropping the mitts as he is scoring a goal. And lets face it, he has to be a bit of a jack-ass, because I mean....well you've read my posts.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Comedy Hour

An Ottawa based Doctor enters his office and a man in a Sens jersey is sitting on his examination table holding a large blood soaked towel to his foot.
"Well what do we have here, Mr..." he checks the chart "Jack Smith"**
"Fuck doc" he starts " I was in line for some hockey tickets, see the Sens are playing the Laffs next month and I wanted to get some good seats you know. And this jack ass Laff fan in a Sundin Jersey is in front of me starts eye ballin' me and shit. So I says to the fucker, what you staring at jackass? The reason your team hasn't made the playoffs for 3 years? So you know what this fuck face says to me? He says that the Leafs won the Battle of Ontario last year, fucking fuck I mean Fuck! So I get in his face, start telling him how shitty the Leafs are. I mean, can you imagine being a Leaf fan in Ottawa? Having to deal with watching a good team on the ice? I mean the brain damage this guy must have had. So he tells me to step off, he just wants to get his tickets and not get involved with an ass like me. Can you believe that? A Leaf fan calling me an ass? So I call him the pussy that he is and am just getting going on ripping into his team when I slip off the curb, and step on a goddamn nail, hurts like hell."

"Ok" says the doc "take off your shoe, I need to stem the bleeding"

So the man takes the shoe off his injured foot as the doc pulls out a pair of medic scissors.

"What the hell are you doing with those doc?"

"Well I'm out of gauze, but good thing you wore that hockey sweater, the material is perfect for making a make shift band aid."

"whoa whoa doc, you can't do that, this is an authentic Alfredson jersey, It cost me 200$"

"Well it's going to cost you your foot if you don't stem the bleeding soon, that jersey is your only hope for saving your foot"

the man sighs and nods. And the doc begins cutting, within seconds the Jersey is in ribbons and the doctor begins to wrap the mans foot with the tattered remains. As he does this, the doctor's elbow bumps a cabinet and several dozen packages of gauze come tumbling out.

"what the hell?" quips the Sens fan, his face flushing with anger "What kind of Doctor are you?"

The Doc looks up and smiles at the man

"Dr Leaf fan, at your service."

**Name = fictional But Note, this is a story that was told to me by a paramedic buddy of mine, he claims it is an actual event that took place in a Gatineaux hospital, why I doubt the total and utter truth behind it. It's god damned funny to think it may have happened. I also updated it with last seasons happenings to keep the joke relevant.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Why Not?

Recently, a post over at grand master Lowtide's blog got me to wondering "Why Do You Blog?" and resisting the urge to argue with myself again (who wants to talk to that asshole) I came up with a pretty good reason, If I do (and I do) say so myself. Fade to flashback.
When I began this ride back in twenty aught six there were 3 main Leaf centric blogs that I knew about. Raking Leafs, Bitter Leaf and of course the venerable Pension Plan Puppets (in old school blogspot format). For a while, I read and enjoyed, and was a frequent commenter on the Infamous Battle Of Ontario site. But duking it out with Sens fans, while entertaining, a-bit somewhat frustrating (kinda like the Leafs now that I think about it), wasn't really voicing my own ...er..voice too well. One day while doing the daily blog-trol I got to thinking. The Barilkosphere as I know it is kinda like the A-Team, fighting for good with odd contraptions (arguments) made from whatever ammunition they could find (4 Years!). PPP was of course Hannibal, leading the charge spouting "I love it when a plan comes together" and MF37 and Ninja were like B.A. Baracus and Face (I'll let them decide who is who). But where was 'Howling Mad' Murdock? Where was the crazy, yet lovable goof who was more inclined to have fun than actually do anything of use? Then, realizing how insane the whole comparison was I realized it was me. The Barlikosphere needed me. It was a calling. "Go" it told me "and be that one everyone isn't too sure about upstairs, Have fun with the Leafs, show your love for them through humour and magic"
At first I tried the tried and true method of blending humour into personal analysis. I quickly realized this wasn't working too well and dove straight into the goof ball zone, and that is where we pretty much stand today. My writing style has matured (or immature'd) and I've carved out my niche, its comfy, its fun and it increased the time I spend on the internet probably 100 fold.
The best thing about this blogolation deal is that it makes me happy, it relaxes me. It introduced me to a group of strangers that have come to feel like friends. Faceless, odd and as much in Love with the Leafs as I am. It's been a good ride, lets keep going.

Still working on that magic thing though.

Whats that behind your ear? Oh a quarter!

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Toronto Maple-Stashes

There is so much to love about the Toronto Maple Leafs, it is often hard to find a jump off point when starting to discuss the awesom-tude that is the Blue and White. Where should I start? The Bad ass Maple Leaf? The legions of loyal and beloved fans? The storied history?

Nay, I say, Nay. The best place to start is quite obvious when you think about it. Its all about the flavour saver baby!

Thus I give you a count down of the top 4 mustaches in Maple Leaf history

4) Jamie Macoun
Just look at that proud lip plumage. A fine example of how a stash should be wrangled. My favourite Leaf defenseman of all time for no particular reason (probably the mustache) came up short here though. The competition was pretty stiff, and bristly, Jamie never stood a chance.

3) Pat Burns

One of the best coaches ever to grace the Blue and White Pine. Burns' stash could not be ignored. Unfortunately for Pat, he also possessed the steeliest gaze ever owned by a coach and it overwhelmed his stash, taking him out of the running early.

2) Lanny Macdonald

One of the great mustaches of all time. No one could do it bigger, or bushier. Lanny had his duster down to an art. A crazy bushman like art. It is rumored that the left side of his mustache weighed a whopping 26lbs, a full 2lbs heavier than the right side. This helped Lanny by giving him the ability to change direction at the drop of a hat simply by turning his head. It is also legend that there is a family living in Lanny's mustache that is unsure the Vietnam war ever ended. Unfortunately for Lanny's awesome mustache, I brought in a ringer.

1) Wendel Clark
Wendel's mustash, or the soup strainer of death as it is known in some circles, is infact made of pure titanium, grown by Wendel by schear will when he decided that human hair is for pussies. No facial hair has ever been more feared. It is said that when tossed up against Stalin and Hitler for most feared Mustash in human history the judge was heard screaming "PLEASE WENDEL! NOT IN THE FACE NOT IN THE FACE" after merely glimpsing at a picture of Clark's duster of doom. There was no other choice.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Dr. It Hurts When I Do This....

Hmm, seems' PPP has thrown down the "Who, What, Where, When and How" Gauntlet of Leafdom over at the fine establishment we all know as Pension Plan Puppets.
And Since I am all about cutting corners....I mean killing birds with stones and throwing eggs at baskets and what not. I'm gonna cross-post this bad boy.

This story starts (for me at least) in a little tri-city slice called Kitchener. At the tender age of 5, I was a huge hockey fan, but hadn't developed a taste for a particular team yet. Instead of watching games with my father, I was usually out playing road or pond hockey with my mates until bed time. that didn't give much time for the Leafs to take a hold of me. Then one day, out of the blue, I noticed my father wearing a strange yet wondrous, Blue Maple Leaf hat. I queried "Father, is that thine most favouritist ice hockey club?"
"Yes, I doth been a fan of yonder Maple Leafs of Toronto for nigh on four score"
And as the mind of a 5 year old works when his father says something is the best I retorted "then tis mine as well"
From that point on, everything hockey became everything Blue and White, I wanted posters, shirts, hats, flasks, anything with that magnetic Maple Leaf adorning it. I also began to watch real live NHL games on the TV. After the first one I was hooked. Iafrate's bald spot and Alan Bester's five hole could not get me to turn away. I was forever and hopelessly ever addicted.
My addiction culminated in the infamous 93 playoff run. Since then I get withdrawal if I miss one game, the shakes if a trade happens and I don't know about it and blinding rage when someone dares question my loyalty to this team.
Years of this madness have turned me into the lovable weirdo of London that you have all come to know and wonder what the hell is wrong with.

Peace Out Homeslices!