Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The B Team

With the announcement of Canadas' Olympic team, much has been said about who has been left off, and who should be there. Personally I am quite happy with the selections, shy of Eric Staal (I'm iffy on the Staals).
Got me wondering, however, would a team selected of Canadas remains be competative?
Here is my B- Squad

Forwards

Stamkos– StLouis – Cammalari
Lecavalier- Penner – Savard
Carter - Sharp- Horton
B Richards – Doan – Smyth

Defense

Green – Reghier
Boumeister – Barker
Phaneuf – M Staal

White

Goalers

Giguer, Turco, C Mason

if I opt for an extra forward instead of Defense man, it would be J. Staal

This team would compete every game, but probably top out as a Bronze medalist.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

You Can't Handle The Truth

I have been hearing a lot of poppy cock about Mike Fisher of Les Lamo's D'Ottawa being named to Canada's Olympic roster.
Here is my list of counter points as to why that would be a mistake.

1- He sucks.

that is all, carry on.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas

I had a big super merry Christmas comedic special planned, but then life happened.
And by life I mean tons and tons of 100 proof Christmas cheer.

Happy Holidays to all and don't do anything I wouldn't do. Don't worry, that's a very short list.

Go Leafs Go

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Monday, December 14, 2009

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Dance Dance

Everyone has a theme song, everyone.
This one for instance is mine.
Now without further fluff. I give to thee, the individual theme song for each Leaf, this year. Click the player name for the song.

Matt Stajan - reviving dead memes
Alexi Ponikarovski - Bow bow bow
Nickolai Kulemin - gotta get mine
Jason Blake - Hey Blakie!
Michail Grabovski - It just fits....the video is classic Grabbo
Mike Komiserik - every girl is crazy for this guy
Luke Schenn - and the whole world is pregnant
Thomas Kaberle - you've been cross crease passed by, one timer set up by...
Vesa Toskala - Fabulous!
Joey Macdonald - I guess you didn't know
Francois Beauchemin - Easy joke
Ian White - He's the hardest working man in Blue and White
Wayne Premeau - Always in the shadow
Colton Orr - is there any doubt he lives for this?
Garnet Exelby - all I ever hear when he is on the ice,something bad is about to happen
Jeff Finger - you knew that was coming
Lee Stempniak - You'll never guess what I chose
Phil Kessel - You know him, he don't need no introduction and shit.
Nick Hagman - I love the dangles, I love the real hot wife
Jonas Gustavsson - I worry about myself some times

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Game 26: Leafs 3 - Habs -0

you cant have a centennial celebration with out a couple zeros!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Game 25: Leads 0 - Slugs 3

I always expect better against Buffalo, shouldn't be surprised though

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Movember


What did you do for Movember?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Game 23: Leafs 4 - Bolts 3

Not pretty but they won, well except Hagman, he's dreamy

Monday, November 23, 2009

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Friday, November 20, 2009

What Might Have Been, But Not Really

I am a bit a masochist, being a like long Leaf fan who has refused to turn of his TV during the worst of Leaf games (most of this season for instance) is a telling sign of that.
Being the bringer of self pain, and inspired by THIS post by Mr mf37 I decided to look at what might have been if the Leafs had not surrendered all of those needlessly spent picks and had some how miraculously finished in the same position every year and drafted the best available player in said round.

I call this the "Oh dear god why do I do this to myself" list of possible Leafs/ex Leafs

2000- Brad Boyes (1st rnd for Nolan)
2003- Corry Perry (1st rnd for Nolan)
2004 -Mike Green (1st rnd for Leetch)
2005 -Tukka Rask (1st rnd for Raycroft)
2007 - David Perron (1st rnd for Toskala)

I'm not even gonna go back any farther and look at the famous Luongo draft pick and all that because I would drive my head through my laptop.


I'm gonna go drink myself to death now.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Game 19 - Leafs 2 Sens 3

Gah! Rabble Rabble!

A Night In Review

As some of you might recall, I was recently present at a Toronto Maple Leafs themed shindig in the breezy city of Chicago. This is my story, names have been changed to protect the innocent and conceal the guilty.

7:55 - Arrive at seats just in time for anthems, I look at my empty right hand and wonder why I only bought one beer.

7:57 - take drink out of fresh beer now in right hand.

8:00 - Anthems start, this joint is rockin'. Hawks fans know how to throw a party,

8:05 - Puck drop, I place two empty beer cups under my seat.

8:09 - Schenn sets up Kane for a goal, I place two mire empty beer cups under my seat.

8:15 - In the bathroom see a guy with a Lumme Jersey, I ask him why. he doesn't know

8:22 - Dunkin Keith blasts a slapper past the stupid vesa is stupid. At least Chelsea daggar is still kinda fun.

8:25 - THAT WAS FUCKING IN YOU FUCKS! YOUR FACE IS INCONCLUSIVE.

8:30 - I get the "You again 'eh'?" from the beer lady

8:36 - First intermission, I have a lengthy discussion with the Hawks fans around me, we reach an agreement that they will hate the Sens as long as we hate the wings.

8:40 - Random Hawks fan in a Roenick jersey DEMANDS I high five him, I oblige him, as hard as I fucking can.

8:41 - Roenick jersey's friend Toews jersey declines a high five.

8:50 - Second period starts, I get bumped by my friend, beer is lost in the red fleech pull over of the lady in front of me. She doesn't notice.

8:55 - More beer is lost, to the floor this time, for the first time I miss the ACC, well the sippy cup lids anyways.

8:57 - Troy Brouwer tip in, I fucking hate Chelsea Daggar.

9:00 - Beer lady doesn't like my hilarious "serving wench" joke.

9:03 - Beer lady 2.0 makes "hilarious" Canadian joke.

9:10 (est)- I officially lose the ability to track time.

- Luke Schenn fights, sensing I want to hit something, the nearby Hawks fans agree Schenn won handedly.

- Hawks fan behind me cracks wise wondering "what are you guys paying Kessel for?"

- Kessel embarrasses Huet from the blue line /insert smug smily

- Second intermission - instinct leads me to beer lady. Her scowl directs me to beer lady 2.0.

- Leaf fan in a Baumgartner jersey, asks me if I realize how awesome Kessel is, I tell him he doesn't even know. He wanders off, thuroughly confused.

- I play a game of which Ice girl is hot and which one just needs a sammich with the Hawks fans around me, the waivy haired brunette wins.

- waivy haird brunette bends over, we all win.

- They do that shoot from the redline and win some swag thing. A blond with cloths 4 sizes too small and 10" heels nearly takes a header when she shoots. I laugh way too hard.

- I remember to go directly to beer lady 2.0, the pile of empty beer cups is getting rather large, I make an alcoholic pyramid.

- 90 year old Hawks fan looks at my work of art and scowls, then says "you Leaf fans like to drink" like its a bad thing.

- Third period. Things are getting swirrly.

- They play varucal salt, and I dance dance dance.

- Kessel scores on a dirty dirty shot, I yell "who is your hockey god now?" loud enough to confuse people in the lower bowl"

- Red fleece lady notices how she has been marinating in my extra draft beer, and informs me of it. I appologise, and suggest she complain at the lack of sippy cup lids because "those things would prevent tradgedies like this from ever happening".

- Details get VERY sketchy at this point. I go to visite beer lady one more time,she is still all scowls and sunshine. Imake sure I don't blink as she pours my beer because I have convinced myself she will spit in it.

- I turn to a random fan in a Clark jersey. Point at my beer and ask "does this look like spit to you?"

- The game ends, I am surprised I am still verticle.

- The cab takes us to a bar, and then things get wild.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Twofer: Leafs 2 - Hawks 3 And Leafs 2 Games 5

sorry for spilling beer all over you Hawks fan lady

and

First bad game for the Monster, Hope its the last

Friday, November 13, 2009

Blue (and White) Brothers

Off I go again, doing the Toronto Maple Leaf fan pilgrimage to an opposing rink because it is cheaper than hitting up the ACC. I am starting to think that is a ploy by the MLSE to spread their brand across the continent, Leaf jerseys nigh on guaranteed to be out in full force no matter the enemy barn. Advertising!
Things I am looking forward to
- Seeing Kessel play
- Seeing Luke Schenn take the bull by the horns and flourish with the extra ice time.
- throwing dimes at Patrick Kane.
- Seeing a goalie as over priced and under achieving as Vesa Toskala start opposite Vesa Toskala.
- Watching Gustavsson start the second period.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

SHUT YOUR CAKE HOLE YOKO!

Things Leaf fans have got to shut up and stop obsessing about because it is getting tiresome.

Schenn's playing time. He's buried in the depth chart, and needs to work on perfecting all aspects of his game before he can displace the others.
Bozak not playing on the Leafs. He hasn't earned it.
Jason Blake
. He isn't going anywhere, he isn't being waived and he isn't being traded.
Captaincy. No one has earned it, and its not a blue ribbon handed out to the player who shows up the most.
Ron Wilson being fired. Ain't gonna happen this season sweet heart, walk it off.

That is all, feel free to bitch about anything else, this post even cause I am sure some of you disagree.

You're still wrong though....Jerk.

Thank You

For all that you gave, and will give
For the lives you saved, and those yet to be lived
Always I will remember the things that you did

Game 16: Leafs 2 - Wild - 5

No sir, I don't like it.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Sell Hard

That's it, I've had it. I am done. And I am selling my services to the highest bidder.
That's right, things are gonna change no longer will I wallow in such mediocrity. I am willing to put everything I have behind this new initiative and see it through to the bitter end no matter what happens.
Thats right, I am selling my hate. Habs? Psssh. Sens? Meh. Canucks? Who? These pitiful rivalries have gone stagnant and I can no longer take it. I've had enough. So vote in the comments for my new most hated rival. I promise to hate that team with a anti-love so strong it is usually reserved for Hitler and people who talk at the movies. I will throw out my Habs and Sens jokes and deck myself out in the latest insults for your object of hate and scream curses at them until my throat is sore and bleeding.

All proceeds will be donated to the fuck bandwagoners fund.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Game 13: Leafs 1 - Bolts 2 OT

Kessel deal not bad suddenly, need another dangerous player

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Open Letter - You Can't Tell Me What To Do Edition

Dear Pepsi

Where the hell do you get off thinking Canada needs a national cheer? Even worse, what the hell makes you think YOU are the ones to bring this out? Is "Go Canada Go!" not good enough for you? Fuck your couch Pepsi, your beverage may be refreshing and delicious, but your marketing is flat and has a bitter aftertaste.
I can tell you one thing, no matter the winner, it will not be cheered by me and my fellow country peoples at the game because no real sports fan gives a shit about some corporately manufactured phrase that has no historical or even logical creation.

Please as to stay out of our National business jerks. I am compelled to switch to Coke, even though it is vile and tastes like food colouring.

Jaredoflondon

Monday, October 19, 2009

Open Letter - This Is For The Haters Edition

Dear Cowards.

You know who you are, you wagon jumping negative vibe spreading hate mongers. Please as to leave Leafs nation and never return. We don't want you here, we don't want to hear your idiotic reasoning and self fluffing and "how much better life will be" when you are no longer a member of Leafs nation. I don't care if you leave, you wont be missed, but please do everyone a favor and do it quietly. Go into hiding and don't mention hockey at all this season, then next year, you can re-emerge from your douche cocoon as an asshole butterfly fan of the team of your choice.
Get stuffed.Not Pictured: How stupid your face is

Hugs and kisses: JaredofLondon

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Game 6: Leafs 1 - Rangers 4

I'm not even mad, I'm just disappointed

Bringin' It Back To The Old School

October 17th, 2009, 7:15AM
The Toronto Maple Leafs are gathered in the dressing room before their game day practice, awaiting Ron Wilson , who is 15 minutes late.

Stajan: I feel a disturbance in the force.

Mitchell: You are such a fuckin' nerd.

Schenn: Ha! Good one Johnny!

Mitchell: Fuck Yea it was.

suddenly a deep bass is heard, starting out far away, but coming ever closer.

Komisarek: Is that DMX?

Beauchemin: who the hell listens to that stuff anymore?

Stajan's face suddenly goes pale, as he remembers.

Stajan: Mother of god....Not again

just then the dressing room door flies open and in pimp-steps Ron Wilson, who is, as the kids say, G'd up from the feet up. An old school boom box blasting 'Party up in here' balancing on his shoulders.

Wilson: Ronniiiiiee Dubb in the hizzoooooouse.

Poni: Oh no CoachRonWilson is tha snoopydogg man again!

Wilson: Das right bitches, puttin this shit on re-wind. Ya'll gonna get a face full of gangsta up in this peice todizzay.

Mayers: I still find this offensive,

Blake: Quiet you cracka ass cracka!

Wilson pimp slaps Blake with authority.

Wilson: You keep talken trash and I'm gonna continue to colourize your albino ass face, ya dig?

Blake:(looking at the ground, dejected) Yes sir.

Beauchemin: What the hell is going on? What is wrong with you coach? I think you've been listening to too much East side boyz.

Wilson: Funny you should mention dizzat, honky. Cause we'z about to have a real n***a roll call up in this peice!

Mayers: I am now VERY offended.

Poni: Why must you hate on Nigeria JamalMayers?

Stajan: This is why no one likes you Poni.

Wilson: QUIET BITCH-ES! Its time for dat roll call, aight? I'm gonna stizzart callen out some Real OG' Leafs who know how to wizzin, they's gonna get all up in your grill and show you da trizzue mizzeaning of trizzuculence.

White: OH GOD NOT AGAIN!

Stajan: Someone hold me!

Wilson opens the door.

Wilson: Yo! Get your gangsta ass's in here y'all!

Wilson changes songs on the boom box to "Where the hood at?"

into the dressing room walk Tie Domi, Doug Gilmour and Luke Schenn walk in the door and stand behind Wilson, putting on the indimidation.

Stajan: Luke? how the hell did.....

Wilson: Shut Up fool! Deez here tough ass mofo's bout to rock your body right!

Hagman: Was that a Backstreet Boys reference?

Mitchell: Fuckin' I dunno, but fuckin' it sounded kinda queer.

Wilson: Oh dats it, you crack'a ass crackas!

Poni: is you talking to me CoachRonWilson?

Wilson: YO, MC CRUNCH, ROCK THIS PARTY!

suddenly the entire rink shakes with the force of an earthquake. Mike VanRyan bursts into flames.

Entire Team: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!!!

Wilson: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH BOOOOOIIIIII!!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Holding Out For A Hero

Doo doo doo doooo
Doo doo doo doooo
Doo doo doo doooo
Aaahhh
Aaahhh

Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where’s the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?

Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need

I need a hero
I'm holding out for at hero 'till the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero 'till the morning light
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life
Larger than life

Doo doo doo doooo
Doo doo doo doooo
Doo doo doo doooo
Aaahhh
Aaahhh

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There’s someone reaching back for me

Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It’s gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'till the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero 'till the morning light
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life

I need a hero
I'm holding out for at hero 'till the the end of the night

Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I could swear there is someone somewhere
Watching me

Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach
Like a fire in my blood

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'till the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'till the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'till the end of the night

Bonus, your ten words or less

Hope springs eternal, patience doesn't

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Breath Deep And Carry A Big Flask

New plan, starting over. The season starts a-new on Tuesday.
While the current Leafs may be Not Giving a hoot, the one that starts the new season on Tuesday are going to be awesome. Look for bounce back seasons from Francois Beauchemin and Mike Komiserik. Luke Schenn, having struggled with a softmore slump should look to regain the form from his rookie season.
While he will miss the first month of the season, Phil Kessel hopes to inject some offense into a less than stellar offensive line up.
While he missed a quarter of last year with groin issues, Jonas Gustavsson is reportedly almost ready to rejoin this squad and Vesa Toskala will get a couple games to prove he can hold down number one with the rookie looking to steal his job.
Ron Wilson has much to prove as he lead the Leafs to a league worst goals against record (for the second year in a row) and an abismal PK percentage. Both will need to be improved if the Leafs plan to end that 6 year playoff drought.

Man, I've never been so excited for a season to start!

Game 4: Leafs 2 - Pens 5

Screw You guys, I'm going home....for Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Game 2 : Leafs 4 - Caps 6

Audio only, glad I didnt watch that. WTF defense?

Friday, October 2, 2009

Game 1 - Leafs 3 - Habs 4 OT

New feature here at Die Hard, while most game reviews are in depth and detailed oriented, I give you something a little different.

"Game In 10 Words Or Less".
Yes there will be 82 of these, here we go

Calling bullshit on the refs, But you gotta kill those.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Into The Pages Of History

As most of you probably know, that wonderful man pictured above announced his retirement today. The Mats Sundin era has ended in the NHL.
There really is not much to say about Mats that hasn't been said a million times before, he came on a bad note, and left on a worse one, but no one can deny the years in the middle were magical.
No, he didn't bring a cup, no he wasnt a top the NHL scoring race every year, and no, he wasn't Doug Gilmour or Wendel Clark.
All of that is irrelevant.
Mats Sundin is arguably the greatest Toronto Maple Leaf of all time. End. Point.
Mats Sundin was the hardest Leaf ever for me to accept into my heart. He came to my team at the expense of Wendel Clark, no easy barrier to over come, his style contradicted everything I expected out of a Toronto Maple Leaf, and later, everything I expected out of a Captain.
It pains me to admit that I once too was one of those haters, I drank my Mats Sundin haterade with regularity, and then one day, seemingly out of nowhere, I stopped.
Be it age, or wisdom or dark magic, I finally saw Mats for what he was. An exceptional hockey talent, a quiet, strong and stoic leader.
Captaun Clutch soon was my favourite Leaf, I embraced him, defended him, and cheered him.
Mats was my Captain, Leafs Nation's Captain. It broke my heart to see him called out time and time again for not delivering Stanley's chalice to Toronto, it never seemed fair that Dougie and Wendel didn't (to my memory at least) take similar abuse.
My Captain preformed exceptionally right up until the time that he, for reasons I don't understand and now respect, broke my heart.
The reason it hurt so much was because I knew he would never don the Blue and White again, and he would retire under a different banner.
I realize now that that doesn't matter Mats will always be a Toronto Maple Leaf.
Dougie and Wendel were the Captains of my youth, but I grew up watching Mats, he was my Captain through the hardest years of my life and he never let me down.
I will forever miss Mats, and that big goofy Swedish grin will forever be burned into my brain.
I take no heed to the haters, you out there that would bad mouth my bald headed hero, oh not you Sens and Habs fans, you don't matter. I'm talking about you so called Leaf fans who hate him for "screwing us" get over yourselves. If you don't love Mats, well that is your loss just don't open up your mouth and shit all over a player who deserves nothing but your thanks and praise.

I hold no reserves in saying I will fight you.

Gook luck Mats, we miss you. I cannot wait to see the day you get honored at the ACC and have your number raised to the rafters along side all the other players of your ilk.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Hope Floats

But that's easy when the water is frozen.

A weird thing happened this pre-season. I was struck giddy for the up coming NHL season.
I have an overwhelming urge to run around screaming PLAYOFFS!!!1 at the top of my lungs and buy a new jersey for every new import Brian Burke has wrapped up in the Blue and White shroud.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally over the edge here. My crayons remain contained within my trapper-keeper and my secret parade route plans are still under lock and key, but.

But what you ask?

Isn't it obvious? I would ask back, had you asked me directly. Since you can't answer that directly (damn technology) the answer is yes. Yes it is super obvious, what are you blind? Have you been watching this team? Have you been keeping track of the concentrated awesome?

Of course you haven't or you wouldn't have asked such a silly question, you silly goose you.

Why? You're asking me why now? You are certainly full of interest this morn are you not?

Now I could go on at length about the defensive arrangement now hunkered down on the Buds blue line, I could gush about the steroid infused truculence flowing through the veins of Leafy town, I could even hypothesize the hype of the monstrous mesh minder making miraculous miracles .

Yet Nay my good peoples, nay. There are two main reasons I am full of glee for this upcoming season. And they Are Viktor Stalberg and Tyler Bozak.

Stalberg has stormed out of the gate and showed that JFJ wasn't totally incompetent (except if you take into account every single trade he ever made). Viktor posses' other worldly speed, excellent hands, a bullet shot, a solid defensive game and a forcheck that doesn't quite. He has also made the opening night roster and there have been rumblings of a possible Caldar candidacy in his future.

Tyler Bozak or TyBo as his friends call him, a former undrafted collegate player who said "Fuck you NHL" and willed himself to grow 5 inches and bulk up to 200lbs after all 30 teams passed on him during draft eligibility. Bozak lit up the post secondary ice sheets and even managed eight goals and 15 assists in 23 games lat season until he took a nasty knee on knee hit and was out for the rest of the season. He has a great hockey sense, and solid two way play.

Yay!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Three Stooges Syndrome

You may have noticed a distinct lack of posting round these parts as of late, especially at a time like this, with much going on in the hockey world, one would expect a blogger to have much to discuss and / or rant upon on a daily basis.
My issue hasn't so much been a lack of material, but rather, a lack of any feasible way to channel it into a coherent blog post.
See, the problem has been that I am way too excited about this up coming season. I have literally had dreams of the Leafs playing these past few weeks, ever since we all got our first preseason look at the new improved Burkian Buds.
So I thought what the hell, why don't I let the viewing public gather an inside view of just what I'm dealing with here.

And so I give you a condensed transcript of my thoughts about the Leafs from the first preseason game up until today.

HOLY SHIT, these kids can play, I am so excited that fucker Stalberg is so fast but that Bozak kid has got some sick moves oh my got LOOK HOW FAST fucking excited dear god Kadri is going to be good FIGHT fuck yah! Look at that, you fuckin knew truculence was coming you fucks holy shit FAST skill WHAT A GOAL when the hell will we get a decent look at the monster, holy shit heart surgury? FUCK, wait well thats not so bad god I cant wait to see him suit up FUCK YEAH Stalberg playing 3 games in 3 nights shit that guy is fast, fuckin Rosehill likes to chuck nucks! I hate the goddamned Flyers carcillo you chicken shit, Orr is my new hero, EXCITED Hell yeah Luke Schenn is still amazing FUCKING KADRI, holy mother of god TRUCULENCE Lee Stempniak who the fuck is that? FUCK YEAH MAPLE LEAFS wowowoowowow YARD SALE Hagman was an amazing pick up. FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING ME? PHIL KESSEL HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!1

and that about sums it up.

Thank you, I'll be here all week

Friday, September 11, 2009

Weighing In On Truculence

Much has been said this summer of Truculence. Leaf fans are excited at, for the first time in what seems like ages, baring witness to a team that will throw its weight around. Not since the Quinn era have we been exposed to a crash and bang Leafs squad that will punish the teams they face instead of trying to dance around 'em.
Many opposing fans have been calling thuggery and goonism on this new gaggle of Toronto Maple Leaf hockey players, phrases like "Gorillas on skates" and "team of lumbering dinosaurs" have been audible from the peanut gallery.
But is this the case? Has Brian to the Burke just pieced together a team of soccer hooligans?
Lets break it down, player by player.

Colton Orr - Yes, no denying it. Colton Orr is a goon. He gets paid to punch people in the face, and he does it well. What Colton Orr does posses, however, is an underated hockey ability and while he may not be tearing up the scoresheet or making game breaking plays he wont cripple the team when his gloves are on.
Truculent? Check. Goon? Check.

Mike Komisarek - A big, mean, physical dude of a hockey player. But a goon? Nay I say, nay. Komi is a defensive workhorse who is tough in his own end. He blocks and hits with the best of them and isnt affraid to drop the mitts should the need arise. He has proven that he isnt the most adept heavy weight as was exposed by one Milan Lucic, but he doesnt shy away from the rough stuff or lack the ability to start it when need be.
Truculent? Check. Goon? Nay

Francois Beauchemin - Brought in to replace the departed Pavel "hobobeard" Kubina. Like Kubina, he has a heavy shot, good offensive awarness and while his point totals are lower, Kubina wasnt stuck behind Neidermyer and Pronger on the PP. Unlike Kubina he uses his size well. Can clear the front of the net and will get dirty in the corners. He also posseses great character and leadership capabilities which Burke Covets. While he doesnt toss knuckles on a regular basis, he has been known to have pugelistic skill (just ask Jarome Iginla). A proven playoff performer with a solid skillset, possibly the best signing by Burke to date.
Truculent? Check. Goon? Hellz naw.

Garnett Exelby - A human seeking rocket of a player. Always on patrol for the highlight real bone cruncher, any player, any time, any zone he will take your head off. He also drops the gloves with semi-regularity and isnt all that bad at it. He doesnt fit the enforcer roll, but is often called to fight after one of his patented railroadings, but he isnt affraid to defend his team mates or get the crowd going. While not a traditional goon, he is close enough to fit the mold comfortably enough.
Truculent? Check? Goon? Close enough.

Jonas Gustavsson - Swedish elite league phenom, best goaltender outside the NHL last year, covoted by every team in the NHL without Luongo or Brodeur in their stables. Not one to throw the body or drop the gloves, but his name isnt Hextall or Emery so its not expected.
Truculent? Doesn't look like it. Goon? er....no.

Tyler Bozak - Hard nosed, speedy, excellent hockey sense. I will admit to not knowing to much about him. In all the highlights I've found on yonder interwebs, or in the Leafs Rookie tournament, while not overly physical he will go into traffic to make a play. I can't find one instance of a fight or big hit, but he certianly isnt affraid of body contact.
Truculent? Not overly. Goon? far from it.

Christian Hanson - Big fella, theres no doubt, but unlike his foil wearing father isnt much of a dancer. Much like Bozak, but with a lower skill set, he drives the net hard and uses his frame to make room for himself and line mates. He'll throw hits, but you'll rarly see them on sports center.
Truculent? It is in his blood, so it might be burried. Goon? Noper

Wayne Premieu - Career grinder nearing the end of his NHL days. A 4th line plugger who will toil in the corners and take his lumps.
Truculent? He tries to be. Goon? uh uh.

While none of these aquisitions are kitten soft (except maybe the Monster, but really does he have to be mike tyson?) Most posess a good amount of gritt and/ or sand paper. Orr and Exelby where brought in stricktly to terrorize opponents, but both will see limited ice time and be used in set peice situations.
The biggest movement by Burke seems to be the skill /truculent combo. Players that are effective not only at putting people on their ass but by either scoring or stopping pucks from going into the net.

Not that other fans are going to stop.

Truculence be with you

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Golden Boys

As far back as I can remember, the Leafs have been accused of being minimal in the talent department. And really, I cant fault anyone for saying that, a few players excepted, Toronto has had very little top flight All-Star skill.

But things are changing. How you ask? Well just look at the Olympic camp rosters from around the world and you will notice something kinda shocking yet totally awesome, a plethora of Leafy goodness.

Lets investigate shall we?

Canada
Francois Beauchemin

U
SA
Mike Komisarek

Russia

Nicholai Kuelemin

Sweden

Jonas Frogren
Rickard Wallin
Jonas Gustavsson
Carl Gunnarsson

Finland

Vesa Toskala
Niklas Hagman

Czech
Thomas Kaberle

Belarus

Mikhail Grabovski
Mikhail Stefanovich

10 Players and 2 prospects, not too shabby, also lets not forget outside shots like Jason Blake and Lee Stempniak for team USA.

Say what you will about the Leafs chance at victory, but sufficient to say, more than a few will be adding a medal to their trophy case this season.


Monday, August 24, 2009

Leaf-Alikes: Blonde Bomber Edition


Hey remember these? These cheap little quasi-creative photographic side by sides that make it look like I'm coming up with new content when I'm just being lazy and happened to notice a vauge similarity?

Well here's another, featuring ex-hated rival and now terribly handsome blonde Leaf puck sponge Mike Komiserek.

Who does he look like? What? you mean you dont know? That's just super star actor Greg Pitts, AKA the "O Face" dude from Office Space.

I know right?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Love Actually

This is the first time in a while I can look up and down the Leafs line up and say I like every single player on the roster. I down right love most of these guys, to varying degrees for random and sometimes ridiculous reasons. I thought I might share it with the world in my own little way.

Why I love each Leaf, in 4 words or Less.

Francois Beauchemin - Hits, fights, leads well
Jason Blake - Spinoramas and hamster jokes
Garnet Exelby - Open ice hits rule
Jeff Finger - So Many puns
Jonas Frogren - pop goes the Ruutu
Jonas Gustavsson - MONSTER MONSTER MONSTER MONSTERRRRRR!
Christian Hanson - His dad was cool
Thomas Kaberle - Cross crease pass, unbeleabable
Mike Komiserik - Already hated across Montreal
Nikolai Kuelemin - break out season, watch
Joey Macdonald - Better than Clemenson
Jamal Mayers - fists smell like Oxo
John Mitchell - MOTHER F**K!
Colton Orr - Todd Fedoruk's Face
Alexi Ponikarovski - Antropov Who?
Wayne Premeau - He's not Hoglund
Micheal Grabovski - Minsk Mullet, sliced fruit
Vesa Toskala - so fabulous
Mike VanRyan- Awesome when whole
Rickard Wallin - in red or white
Ian White - Moustachulence
Luke Schenn - impossible to not love
Nazem Kadri - Better than Tavares
Lee Stempniak - Ninjas are awesome
Matt Stajan - rides unicorns
Jiri Tlusty - Not Safe For Work
Tyler Bozak - Great Hockey Name

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Bigfoot Is Blurry!

When people discus the mysticism of the Toronto Maple Leafs, it usually involves some aspect of how storied the franchise is, how magical Grabovski's mane of hair is, one of Luke Schenn's various miracles like turning water into beer and his enemies blood into dust or even how the vengeful god Wendel may strike down someone with fist shaped lightening bolts.

Today, it has a different meaning. As recently as last season, around the same time as the mysterious disappearance of Alexander Steen and Carlo Colicacovo, many have claimbed to have seen something on the ACC ice. Something not found in any Leafs roster or dressing room. One photographer managed to snap this picture.

While many believe it to have been faked, or simply Ryan Hollweg in the shower, it has been since dubbed the Stempnisquach.

The Stemnisquach. or Yet-Lee as it is also known, has developed a cult following of sorts. Scientists have scoured the Air Canada Center looking for proof of the creature. Mysterious clues have been found, but all have been debunked.

The first was strange skate marks in the ice surface, but then they realized it was a hockey rink and that was normal. Also the Zamboni resurfaced the ice before any plaster castings could be taken. Then it was believed some of the creatures droppings were found in a luxury box, but it turned out it was just some pudding filled with Oh Henry Bars stashed by Kyle Wellwood that had gotten old hardened up.

While evidence of the Stemnisquach remains elusive, many true believers hold steady that one day, the creature will be spoted and genuine footage of it scoring at the pace told of in legends St Louis.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Roundabout Rumour Round Up

Rumours run rampant round really rediculously.......Rebored Rehockey Refans.......

yeah...
As some of you may know, and others may not know, and yet even more may even suspect a little, I love me a good trade rumor, especially when it centers on my beloved and betrothed Maple Leafies. So I thought I might discuss a few of my favourite ones with a little break down, because I know how much y'all love to do the hockey player shuffle.

1 - Kessel For Kaberle

Situation Evaluation - Do Not want

Reasonable Reasoning - This "deal" has plauged the interwebs since draft day, and has recently been shut down as possible by both sides. But it won't die. I blame Leaf fans for REALLY wanting to happen. Can't say I blame them, Kessel is a young, exciting very skilled sniper. Something the Leafs really need. But I don't want him in a Leafs uniform, not currently anyways. Kessel is an unsigned RFA, with no deal in sight traded for Kaberle he'd still be an RFA. and I don't want to take the chance he walks and the most tallented Leaf defender is gone for one meaningless year of Kessel (no way the Leafs are cup contenders this season). Where the deal done for a reasonable year to pay ratio I might bite, but not till.
Also there is the fact that the Bruins after the trade would be no better off cap wise, Kaberle's salary would still put them in the red and another deal would have to be made. Losing Kessel would make it all the much harder to part with other now more important peices of their current roster. If Kessel goes, it will be for cheap prospects and high picks. Two things the Leafs SHOULD NOT part with unless there is an absolute steal coming back.

Forcast
- Clear skys with no chance of swaping.


2 - Vinny to the Leafs


Situation Evaluation - You've got my attention

Reasonable Reasoning - Vinnys salary is a real albatross here. 7 mill cap hit for another 10 years.
Yup, a whole decade. Vinny is, however, a great hockey player, when he is on his game he can be the best player on the ice no matter who he squares off against, and when he is bad he's still probably the best (at least against the Leafs). It has been repeatedly stated by Tampa management that they have no intrest in moving Vinny, which makes sense, he is their franchise. The package that would take to pry Vinny away from the Bolts probably starts at Schenn AND Kabby and works its way up from there, which is totally rediculous and not worth it at all. The Lightening find themselves in a up comming pickle though, Vinnys trade value will probably only decrease with time, and sooner than later they have to man up moose and sign Stamkos and Hedman to pro contracts which will no doubt be lucrative.
There is also the undeniable fact that Tampa's managers are certifiably insane and nothing is off the table when it comes to them it seems.
There are several more teams out there who could/would offer far more enticing packages for Vinny, Montreal being one who would almost certianly over bid the Leafs in any prospective deal.
Crazy contract, super high price of admission.....but damn how much would that piss off Habs fans?

Forcast
- A Storm is brewing in Florida, but assistance and aid from Toronto not likely


3 - Kaberle to Blues/Columbus/ Vancouver for their respective futures.


Situation Evaluation - finger tenting excellence.

Reasonable Reasoning - All three of the mentioned teams will be pressed to improve upon their recent seasons, all three are ripe with NHL ready prospects that could step to the big club now or next season and have a good chance at creating an impact AND all three teams are in varrying degrees of desperate for a veteran, proven puck mover for their back end. Burke will no doubt be asking for more than one prospect for Kaberle, and it wont be a middling one. A blue chipper in the form of Hodgeson, Berglund or Brassard will no doubt be on Burkes shopping list, all of which are rumoured to be non-starters for a trade.
I would be surprised if neither side budged on any deal.
Another point of thought is the VanRyan / White factor. Neither would bring the return of Kaberle, but could be packaged with other assets to bring some skilled youth to the Leafs front end. Somethings gotta give, but what? Lets hope its the spirite of Burkies rival GMs

Forcast - Clouds with a 30% chance of raining prospects

Disclaimber - I love Kaberle

Monday, July 27, 2009

Om Nom Nom

In their ever relentless search for even more ways to gouge the loyal Toronto Maple Leaf fan base, the MLSE has come up with a new way to ensure their cash flow.
Opening soon in a city near you, the Toronto Maple Leaf Restaurant! We here at Die Hard cannot divulge too many details, but we have been authorized to give you a sneak peak at the delectable menu that will be available to you.

Appetizers
- Aki Garlic Berg - Extra large Garlic bread, sure to leave a bad taste in your mouth for a long time.
- Toskala Salad - an attractive arrangement with fashionable toppings, you'll laaaike it, you'll laaaike it alot.
- Schenn Nachoes - Fully loaded with everything you could want, get ready for your stomach to be body checked by taste. May cause unwanted pregnancy.

Entrees
- JFJ Whistle Dog - A limp chicken dog on a soggy bun, comes with a No Movement Clause from your stomach.
- Mats Sundin Surprise - A delicious meal that is whatever our indecisive chef decides it to be. no guarentees on how long it will take to cook.
- The Wendel Clark Burger - Fantastic, but very unhealthy. The most dangerous thing on any meny anywhere, it will probably kill you just for ordering it.

Deserts
- Kyle Wellwood Desert Buffet - The worlds only desert bar totally coated in gravy
- Pineapple Unside down Grabovski - Freshly butchered pineapple with extra nuts.
- VanRyan Crumble - A Delicate cake so moist it falls apart at the slightest touch.

Beverages
- Kule-Aid - a refreshing summer beverage with only one flavour.
- Curtis Joseph Wine - A poorly aged vintage that was awesome 10 years ago.
- Fruit Cox-tail - A sour drink made mostly of foam. We carfully recycle the leftovers every time someone fails to finish this delectable drink to ensure we never have to make it fresh, but you'll keep coming back for more. Its your fault it sucks. $19.67

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Reeeeeemix

Hey Y'all
Remember those rosters I did up a bit ago? Well much has changed since then.
Here is how I see things sitting on opening night, the remix, now with more truculent Bass.

Poni - Stajan - Blake = This line stays put, Stajan isnt a 1st line center, but he has more chemistry with the other players
Kulemin - Grabbo - Hagman = Man Grabs Lemon lives as well
Tlusty - Walin - Stempniak = Kid line is delegated to the marlies, except Tlusty, who needs better ice time than this, but will probably see 2nd PP unit time
Stewart- Mayers - Orr = KKND, thats all the opposition will see

Relegated to AHL duties - Hanson, Bozak, Stralberg, J Mitchell

Kaberle - Schenn = Schenn gets the bump to first pairing, well because he is awesome
Beauchemin - Komiserik = total death for the rivals top line with a little offensive punch
Exelby - Finger = this was hard because I honestly thing VanRy deserves at least 2nd pairing status, but this is how I see Wilson setting the lines if the roster stands pat.

Rover - White

Relegated to AHL duties - Frogren

Goaltending Dual
Toskala - Starts out as the number one, but quickly becomes a 1A goaler
Gustavsson - I wouldnt be shocked if he got the first start just to see what he has.

Relegated to last chance AHL duties - Pogge, kid is gonna have to prove he can get mentally tougher and can compete with some stiff competition from Reimer for ice time.

Also, this is the 2009 - 2010 Leafs Theme song, YA HEARD ME!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Oh Hai!

I been slackin' on the LoLeafs as of late, also the Luke Schenn content could always use a boost.
that is all the warning you get*




* blogger not responsible for unwanted pregnancy or liquification of underwear, offer good In All US States and Canadian Provinces excluding Quebec and Alaska.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Counter Productive

It had been a while since I'd seen him, and that wasn't a bad thing. But this morning when I got home from work, there he was. Expecting to find an empty apartment and a comfy bed, I found him.
At first, he didn't notice me, nor I him, but I did notice the mess. Dishes, empty bottles and general clutter everywhere. then he came out of the kitchen and I stood face to face with myself.
"Hey jackass!" he said in his all to friendly way "where the hell have you been?" I sighed
"You know where I've been smartass, the draft, camping, you know having a life"
"ah yes, the draft, I saw the pictures, the camera seems to remove 10lbs in your case" he poked at my stomach and I slapped his hand away "Speaking of hockey, what do you make of Mr Burkes first summer as the Leafs GM thusfar?"
"Well the draft was awesome, hooked up with a good crew. I was expecting more movement from Burke and admittedly wanted Cowen, but I couldn't be happier with Kadri, or Burke absolutely owning Murray on national TV"
"He's a bad mother..." he paused, looked at me like I should do something.
"what?" I asked, to tired to deal with this bullshit "never mind, Yeah, Kadri is sick. What about free agency? You think we have enough D yet?"
"God what a log jam. This defense is going to punish the hell out of the opposition. Beachemin will be an instant fan favourite, same with Orr. I still have mixed feelings about Komiserik, he still has Hab Douche stamped on his forhead."
"What about the Kubina trade for Garnet 'smash your face with my elbows' Exelby"
"Another enigma, I can't wait to see him turn some Ottawa Senators into dust, but his reputation for being dirty and taking himself out of position has me woried a might" he snorted at me.
"whats so funny?"
"You are such a girl" he said with a giggle "ok their Jason Spezza"
"Hey! Low blow!" he recoiled, mocking offense.
"besides, I continued, this Defense is already 100% more defensive and potent against the rush than it was last year, what ever happens with the extra bodies, be it trading for picks or prospects, or even moving Kabby for a top 6 forward, in Burke I trust "
"how about Rick Nash?"
"go die in a fire"

Thursday, July 2, 2009

This Is Why We're Hot

After the carnage steam rises through snow
You have been consigned to the Abyss of Woe
My eldritch war-suit is pasted with brains
This empty feeling - all that remains

RED WITH RAGE
I abide in the pit of woe
Crucified in the Abyss of Woe
And for my crime, this is my time
My unholy...crime

The cycle of torment the pleasure of sin
Licking the lap where my load must begin
I rode a tide of vengeance that could never be denied
Hail the crimson blur - violence has arrived!
RED WITH RAGE
I abide in the pit of woe
Crucified in the Abyss of Woe
And for my crime, this is my time
My unholy crime

The trail of our campaign attracted great scorn
But we ventured onward through the Tundra of Tor
Soon I had attracted a posse of trolls
Who'd grown fat and sloppy from the roasting of souls...

But we were surrounded at the Valley of Krin
And it was a battle we never could win
But still I hacked madly with my back to a wall
Heeding the horn of my funeral call
The mutilated millions I was born to appall
Heads leap from shoulders as they flock the mall
The Butcher of Bertok, Infernal Throne
Laid waste to usurpers 'till I stood all alone

Ripped out guts
Gouged out eyes
If you kill them
They will die
RED WITH RAGE

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Best Case Scenario

Hey Y'all, you know what I like? I'm sure you have a general understanding as I tend to be blunt with such things, especially this one, I love me a good list.
Speaking of lists (segwaaaaaaaaay) here's a relevant one!

Things I want to see on draft day/ free agency, with detail

DO

- trade for the 5th over all pick from Atl for Kabby, Stajan/Grabovski/2nd round pick package
- Use 5th over all to draft Schenn 2.0 or Kane (whoever LA doesnt take)
- Use 7th over all to draft Cowen
- Trade Kubby + 3rd rounder to Florida for their 14th over all pick and a prospect
- Use 14th over all pick to draft Ryan Ellis, Zach Kassian or Carter Ashton (who ever is best left)
- Make a big play for Jay Bowmeister (if Kabby goes) for 5.5 mill for 4 years
- Make a play for Bauchemin for 3.75 Mill for 3 years
- Sign Travis Moen for 2-2.5 Mill for 3 years
- Sign the Monster for max allowed salary for 2 years
- Sign Grabovski (if not traded) for a MAXIMUM (and thats pushing it) 3 mill for 3 years.
- resign Pogge for a 2 year contract, remind him this is his last chance.
- put Remier on the Marlies, challange Pogge, dethrone him if necessary

DONT

- trade up for the top 3, will cost way too much
- trade Poni, he will have a break out season
- trade the vesa, he isnt as bad as people say, and his value can only go up
- trade down, there is too much tallent at 7 to let get away
- Make a ploy for Camallari, he will be too expensive
- Persue the Sedins, they may be elite point a game players, but down the road (especially 5+ years) they will be a liability of grandious perportions
- Make a move for Komeserik, douchebags need not apply.
- Give Pogge ANY NHL time (catastrophic injuries to both Leaf goalies excepted) until he earns it
- get off track with the rebuild, no matter what happens, don't rush it. We're building a dynasty here, not a one shot deal.

Token Insanity

designer sunglasses
CRAZY MONKEY APPLE PANTS!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

All The Cool Kids Are Doing It


Ubiquitous Cup Winner Post Extravaganza!

Pens is Winner, Ha-Ha-Ha
Stupid Redwings
Yay Hal Gill, Cup is now scared of heights
Hossa is curse, cleans with fire!
End of the Crosby dirt beard
Here come the draft

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Intangebles

There has been much talk round yon Barilkosphere about said upcoming draft, who do we want Burkie to go after, who brings the best fit in skill set, what is plausible?
Well I am all about intangibles, so I have examined, studied and spent several minuites coming up with some that you might not have thought about for the top 10 ranked players that may or may not be a Toronto Maple Leaf next month.

10 - Nazem Kadri - He likes big butts, and he cannot lie, who am I to argue with that logic?

9 - Dmitri Kulikov - Has dreams of playing with his idols Kaberle and Kubina on an empty netter six man power play forming the KKK wall!

8- Oliver Ekman-Larsson - Has a running bet with MSP for who will be the greatest player with three names in this draft

7 - Jared Cowen - his insatiable appetite for whole oxen will cure the plauge of them that surround the GTA

6 - Brayden Schenn - Instantly makes Toronto the undisputed sexiest city in the world, take THAT Montreal and Madrid!

5 - M. Svensson-Paajarvi - Has what some call Magnus Sensory Perception (or MSP) which means he has an uncanny ability to sense Magnus'

4 - Evander Kane - He can recite every mighty ducks movie by memory, isn't affraid to bust out the flying V during games, but that loses some of its effect when no one else on the team participates.

3 - Matt Duchene - Because of a mild understanding, he gets everyone of his sticked blessed by a Llama by getting it to spit on the blade. Seems to be working.

2 - Victor Hedman - Knows how to swear at opponents in 7 different languages so he can chirp at anyone, except the French, because he doesnt consider that a proper language.

1 - John Tavares - He looks like Steve Dangle, thats gotta count for something.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

As Things Sit

One of the things I like to sit and day dream about are line combinations. I find it soothing in a weird way. So how do I see the Leafs stacking up for next year? Well, its probably redundant to do such a thing before the draft, and and the opening of the trade market flood gates that it sometimes starts, but why the hell not. I'm bored and I need a new post.
Here she goes

Poni - Stajan - Blake = not much of a first line, but they will be serviceable for now
Kulemin - Grabbo - Hagman = I loved this lines chemistry, Id love to see it continue
Tlusty - Bozak - Stralberg = speed, size, good skill, if this line can get chemistry, look out
Mayers - J. Mtchell - Hanson = Hanson needs to work on his game a might, he could move up or down to the AHL if needed.

Kaberle - Kubina = good mix of everything
Schenn - VanRyn = Another good mix, Schenn kills things VanRyn stays healthy, one of those will happen
Finger -White = a decent shut down pair with some mustache/offensive flair

7th D-man - Frogren

Goaltending Tandum
Pogge - Toskala platoon = Really, its all we have (currently) why not?

odd men out - Oreskovic, Straleman, Stapleton, Didominico, Williams, and D. Mitchell.

With the exception of Dido, who's Injury very well could take him out for the whole season, any of these players could be substituted into , well pretty much any line short of the top two defensive pairings (baring VanRy's health). I don't take too much stock in these lines, and will update accodringly as things change. What be your suggestions?