Monday, July 21, 2008

The Toronto Maple-Stashes

There is so much to love about the Toronto Maple Leafs, it is often hard to find a jump off point when starting to discuss the awesom-tude that is the Blue and White. Where should I start? The Bad ass Maple Leaf? The legions of loyal and beloved fans? The storied history?

Nay, I say, Nay. The best place to start is quite obvious when you think about it. Its all about the flavour saver baby!

Thus I give you a count down of the top 4 mustaches in Maple Leaf history

4) Jamie Macoun
Just look at that proud lip plumage. A fine example of how a stash should be wrangled. My favourite Leaf defenseman of all time for no particular reason (probably the mustache) came up short here though. The competition was pretty stiff, and bristly, Jamie never stood a chance.

3) Pat Burns

One of the best coaches ever to grace the Blue and White Pine. Burns' stash could not be ignored. Unfortunately for Pat, he also possessed the steeliest gaze ever owned by a coach and it overwhelmed his stash, taking him out of the running early.

2) Lanny Macdonald

One of the great mustaches of all time. No one could do it bigger, or bushier. Lanny had his duster down to an art. A crazy bushman like art. It is rumored that the left side of his mustache weighed a whopping 26lbs, a full 2lbs heavier than the right side. This helped Lanny by giving him the ability to change direction at the drop of a hat simply by turning his head. It is also legend that there is a family living in Lanny's mustache that is unsure the Vietnam war ever ended. Unfortunately for Lanny's awesome mustache, I brought in a ringer.

1) Wendel Clark
Wendel's mustash, or the soup strainer of death as it is known in some circles, is infact made of pure titanium, grown by Wendel by schear will when he decided that human hair is for pussies. No facial hair has ever been more feared. It is said that when tossed up against Stalin and Hitler for most feared Mustash in human history the judge was heard screaming "PLEASE WENDEL! NOT IN THE FACE NOT IN THE FACE" after merely glimpsing at a picture of Clark's duster of doom. There was no other choice.


Frost said...

This is arguably the best post ever written.

The Human Squid said...

I love all those guys and Wendel is God, but...on this one I've got to go with Macdonald, and here's why.

Two guys are drinking in a bar and talking about hockey. A girl is sitting a few seats away and every now and then tries to join the conversation but the guys don't pay much attention to her.
After a while they're all pretty drunk and the girl gets mad and says "Listen, I know you think that because I'm a woman I don't know hockey but I'm a bigger fan than most guys I know."
One of the guys says "Maybe you watch a game every now and then with your boyfriend but I've never met a women who really knows hockey."
The girl says "Oh yeah? I'm such a big fan that I've had pictures of my favourite players tattooed on my ass."
The guys don't believe her so she says "Let's go out back and I'll show you."
So they stumble out to the alley, she drops her pants and falls over with her butt in the air.
The first guy says "Hey, she was telling the truth, but can you make out who those players are?"
The second guy says "Well, I don't know who the one on the left is, and I don't know who the one on the right is, but the one in the middle is Lanny Macdonald".

Down Goes Brown said...

This list needs to be longer.

What about Brad Smith? Or Bill Derlago? Or even Glenn Anderson?

eyebleaf said...

it's hard to argue with this top 4. macoun was a true rudey back in the day. good old #34. i had a soft spot for him. and bob rouse. and sylvain lefebvre. and davey ellett. what a sick defence we had.

general borschevsky said...

Good post. Does anyone remember Rick Vaive growing a mustache? It looked awful. Or Gary Leeman? Also terrible. McCabe's handlebar last year deserves an honorable mention.

Jaredoflondon said...

I was origionally going to go with a top 5, but the 5th possition was going to be either Creepy Glenn or the McCabe handle bar. Anything to do with McCabe angers the blood so I didn't want to deal with him. And ever since General B wrote that post about how Creepy Glen ruined the Leafs to this day he (Glen, not General B) is dead to me.
Derlago and Smith were before my time, so I missed them.

Down Goes Brown said...

"Derlago and Smith were before my time, so I missed them."

OK, so I'll just be over here on my porch, waving my cane at the young'uns on my lawn.

Jaredoflondon said...

I'm not too far behind, while talking hockey I brought up Mike Foligno and Peter Ing and some 20 year old punk at work gave me the "who?"

Margee said...

Lanny McDonald is like the Keith Hernandez of the NHL. I could get lost in that mustache.

wrap around curl said...

"Who wants a mustache ride?!"

Loser Domi said...

Good call on leaving out the MCabe handlebars. Personally, I keep thinking of that as a Dirty Sanchez and it kinda creeps me out (perhaps my call that he is into furry scat wasn't such fiction after all)

And the line about "NO WENDEL, NOT IN THE FACE!!" resulted in much cackling on my part. Thanks!

Loser Domi said...

and @the human squid: nicely played, yo. Nicely played