Monday, July 27, 2009

Om Nom Nom

In their ever relentless search for even more ways to gouge the loyal Toronto Maple Leaf fan base, the MLSE has come up with a new way to ensure their cash flow.
Opening soon in a city near you, the Toronto Maple Leaf Restaurant! We here at Die Hard cannot divulge too many details, but we have been authorized to give you a sneak peak at the delectable menu that will be available to you.

Appetizers
- Aki Garlic Berg - Extra large Garlic bread, sure to leave a bad taste in your mouth for a long time.
- Toskala Salad - an attractive arrangement with fashionable toppings, you'll laaaike it, you'll laaaike it alot.
- Schenn Nachoes - Fully loaded with everything you could want, get ready for your stomach to be body checked by taste. May cause unwanted pregnancy.

Entrees
- JFJ Whistle Dog - A limp chicken dog on a soggy bun, comes with a No Movement Clause from your stomach.
- Mats Sundin Surprise - A delicious meal that is whatever our indecisive chef decides it to be. no guarentees on how long it will take to cook.
- The Wendel Clark Burger - Fantastic, but very unhealthy. The most dangerous thing on any meny anywhere, it will probably kill you just for ordering it.

Deserts
- Kyle Wellwood Desert Buffet - The worlds only desert bar totally coated in gravy
- Pineapple Unside down Grabovski - Freshly butchered pineapple with extra nuts.
- VanRyan Crumble - A Delicate cake so moist it falls apart at the slightest touch.

Beverages
- Kule-Aid - a refreshing summer beverage with only one flavour.
- Curtis Joseph Wine - A poorly aged vintage that was awesome 10 years ago.
- Fruit Cox-tail - A sour drink made mostly of foam. We carfully recycle the leftovers every time someone fails to finish this delectable drink to ensure we never have to make it fresh, but you'll keep coming back for more. Its your fault it sucks. $19.67

10 comments:

BlindFolded Tank Driver said...

I can't even imagine the amount of Schenn Nachos are required to make the CoxTail burn go away. One plate or two?

Also, for the breakfast menu may I recommend:
Happy Trails Mix with Yogurt
Eggs a la Stralman (not sure when they will be done, but one day soon)
Monster Mash Hash Browns

Johnny G said...

mmmmmmmmm Gravy....

general borschevsky said...

Bryan McCabe-Cola: Over-priced but comes with it's own can-opener. Loses it's fizz quickly. Warning: May cause sudden loss of bladder control and/or impotence.

furcifer said...

Toskala Salad - TWSS

Hungry Leafs Fan said...

So the Toskala Salad is like a Greek salad but instead of feta, they top it with a slice of swiss?

lordosis said...

A buddy and me did something similar near the beginning of last season.

You could also add the Pogge Peroggies, the Chicken Fingers (or some derivative), Cajun Stajan, etc.

And I woulda went with the Schenn Sizzle (a great steak that's 100% beef)

Great article Jared.

"Dave Schultz" said...

This is so full of win.

kidkawartha said...

Coming soon-
In 3 years or so, the new double-Schenn pizza. One side scores very high on taste, the other side hits your taste buds like a Mack Truck.
The LeCalfier- very nice breaded veal patty, Quebec-style, served up in Toronto pita. Guaranteed to cause and Habs fans ulcers.

eyebleaf said...

Well done, Jared.

You know I'm going with the Sundin Surprise.

Jaredoflondon said...

Sorry Eyebleaf, the Sundin Surprise is currently available only in Vancouver