mmm

You make Grabbo sad

Your un-reasonable and unfounded Grabbo hate makes me sad, Leaf fans. Why must you hate our mullet-ed pine apple slayer?
Sure, he is a bit of a dink, and he gets knocked on his ass more than his fair share, but he is just so cute!
Give him a chance, let his flowing locks into your heart. Embrace Grabbo-weeble, he loves you!
Unless you are a pined apple. In that case he will get you.

Oh will he get you.


I'm on a horse.

Welcome To The Party Pal

The new members of the Toronto Maple Leafs are gathered in a board room at the Air Canada Center. The room is set up like a class room, individual desks for all the players, a big desk up front, even a projector and other implements of education strewn around the room. They appear to be waiting..... except for Scrivens who appears to be asleep at his desk.

Kris Versteeg: Hey Cheese, did the note you got say anything about why we are here?

Colby Armstrong: Stop calling me that....and no, the note just said be here at 9am sharp.

Versteeg: Haha, sharp cheese....I used to play with a guy named Sharp. He smelt like tacos.

Armstrong: What the hell is wrong with you?

Versteeg: Beauty!

Just then the door opens. In walks Brian Burke, he is flanked by Dion Phaneuf and Mike Komisarek.

Dion Phaneuf: TEN HUT!

the players all snap to in their seats, except for Scrivens who is startled awake and falls sideways onto the floor

Scrivens: EEEYAUUUAH!

Brian Burke: Dion, what the hell did I tell you about that Army BS?

Phaneuf: SIR, YOU SAID NOT TO BARK ORDERS LIKE A DRILL SARGENT UNTIL THE SEASON STARTS, SIR!

Burke: and you are doing what?

Phaneuf: SIR, SORRY SIR, WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN SIR!

Burke: /sigh

Burke then pauses to look around the room at his new players, upright at their desks.

Burke: Welcome, all of you, to the Toronto Maple Leafs. This is to be your introductory class into the school of pugnacity, testosterone, truculence, and belligerence. Where you will learn what it means to play for a storied franchise such as the Leafs.

Versteeg: I played for the Blackhawks!

Burke: Yes, I know, but if you speak out of turn again, I will let Mike Komisarek here give you a practical lesson in pain.

Komisarek opens his suit jacket, revealing a holstered pistol with "Truculence" inscribed in the handle.

Armstrong raises his hand

Burke: Yes Colby?

Armstrong: well, uh...sir, I'm just curious as to what exactly we will be learning, I mean I am pretty good at body checking and the physical aspect of the game.

Burke: Oh yes, I know, that is why I brought you in. But we are hear to teach you MORE, this isnt just about being physical on the ice, it is about embodying the spirit of PTTB.

Versteeg raises his hand

Burke: Yes Chris?

Versteeg: Actually its Kris, but, uh yeah, like cheese said, I'm not sure exactly how we are going to learn what....

Versteeg trails off as he stares out the window

Armstrong: Uh....Kris?

Versteeg: birdy...beauty...birdeauty.....

Burke: Right....Ok we haven't heard from the rest of the class. Lets start with some get to know each other questions. How does it feel to be a Maple Leaf. Lets start with you Brett Lebda

Lebda: Brett Lebda likes being a Maple Leaf,Brett Lebda likes the city of Toronto. Brett Lebda is excited to go on the ice and play. Brett Lebda can't believe you pay him so much. Brett Lebda… Brett…. Lebda…Brett…..LebbbbbzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz

Burke: O....k..... Jussi?

Jussi Rynnas: En alle seistä omalla kielellä, koska en puhu Englanti. Minulla ei ole aavistustakaan, mitä täällä. Missä minun kengät?

Burke: The hell? Can we get a translator here? Where is Gustavsson when I need him?

Dion: SIR, GUSTAVSSON IS SWEDISH SIR, RYNNAS IS FINNISH, THAT IS TWO DIFFERENT LANGUAGES AND CULTURES, BOTH INTERESTING IN THEIR OWN UNIQUE AND BEAUTIFUL WAY, SIR.

Burke: Shut up Dion.

Dion: SIR, YES SIR.

Armstrong raises his hand.

Burke: Yes, Cheese?

Armstrong: Well sir, I speak fluent Finnish and...wait, did you just call me Cheese?

Burke: Why yes I did, Cheese. It is very catchy.

Armstrong: Never mind....

Burke: Ok how about you Ben? Wait...why are you still on the floor?

Scrivens: It is cool and smooth, like Italian marble. Or the glass in a store front window.

Burke: O.k....fuck this, I'm out.

Burke walks to the door followed by Phaneuf and Komisarek, as he leaves he yells.

Burke: HEY RONNIE DUB, YOUR ON DECK.

Ron Wilson bursts in the room in full gangsta attire

Ron Wilson: YO YO YO CRACKA'S LETS GET RIZZEAL!

to be continued.....

some say.....

Are You Ready?

HEY MOTHER FUCKERS? YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS?
HOLY SHIT! YOU GOD DAMN BETTER BELIEVE IT, ONE FUCKING DAY BEFORE THE MOTHER FUCKING ENTRY DRAFT!
GET EXCITED, THATS RIGHT MOTHER FUCKING EXCITED. SHIT IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN, THEY'LL BE PLAYERS DRAFTED AND SHIT! YOU GET TO SEE WHAT TEAMS THOSE YOUNG MOTHER FUCKERS GET TO PLAY FOR!
HO LEEE FUUUUCK! YOU THINK THATS ALL? WELL ITS NOT, CHOPPER! YOU KNOW WHAT ALSO HAPPENS AT THE DRAFT? MOTHER. FUCKING. TRADES AND SHIT! TRADES!
YERRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHGUGUGUGUGUGH!
TRADEDS! PLAYERS BE MOVING TEAMS AND SHIT FOR OTHER PLAYERS GOING BACK TO THE OTHER TEAM, MAYBE EVEN SOME DRAFT PICKS! THAT IS JUST FUCKING WILD!
YOU KNOW WHAT IS COMING A FEW DAYS LATER?
FREE MOTHER FUCKING ANGENCY! FUCK YAH SIGNING PLAYERS AND SHIT!
SHIT IS ABOUT TI GET REAL SON WOOOOOOOO!

CAPTIAAAAAN CAAAAVEMAAAAAAAAAAAAAN

I for one welcome our new rock banging overlord

Rebirth

Como esta bitches?

Well, here we are, at an impasse of sorts. For the umpteenth time this season this little corner of the net has been, how you say, desolate. Why you ask? Well to be blunt (and a bit joint, maybe a teeny bit spliff) I have had zero drive to blog, write or create anything Leaf related. In fact, I had decided about a month ago that Die Hard Blue and White was going the way of the Dodo.

D as in ding dong the witch is dead. Hell I even had a good bye and farewell readers post written up.It was emotional, I got a little misty even. The best before date was set at today actually, end of the season, after the cup, I was dropping the hammer.

But then, dear readers, something hit me. A mystical force bitch slapped my brain like a Laperriere shot block.

“What the fuck kind of lazy ass quitter are you?” I thought. “This is bullshit, you are bullshit, stop being such a fucking donkey and man up moose. What do you think Burke would say?” Truth be told I have no idea what Burke would say. Probably something along the lines of “who the fuck are you? Get the fuck out of my office” and then he would shoot me or something, but I digress.

Quitting is for suckers , fools and Sucka fools. My mamma didn’t raise no sucka fool, so I am keeping this bitch a float. I can’t really say “I’m Back” because things they be a changing around here. The reason things got so bogged down round here were two fold.

One: the Leafs blew chunks all over the place which made them no fun at all to write about.

Two: I fell into a boring ass pattern of tired jokes, shitty gimmicks and forced humour.

Not to worry, your old favourites such as the open letter et all will remain staples of the site but things are going to be a little....well lets say sporadic, not in actual posting, no I promise this time that there will be plenty of updates, just the material will be less focused than it has been in the past. I know, scary right?

So hold on to your butts, even I don’t know where this is going, and I couldn’t be more excited to write.

Early Bird Gets The Elimination

Usually I don't charge up the ray for a 2nd time until the first round is over, but since the Sens have been vanquished and the Habs still stand....Fuck the Habs

NO CUP FOR YOU!

Powering up

Yes, dear readers, it is that time again. Time to dig out the trusty Anti-Playoff Hate ray. The undefeated, unavoidable ray of focused hate that knocks teams that piss me, and my fellow Leaf bretheren, off.
This years primary target, the inferiority complex to our North, the Ottawa Senators!
Zappy zappy.

Play Them Off Keyboard Cat

Hello out there,their off the air, Leaf hockey ended last night.
Tension grows the home team blows no draft picks calm the blight.
Our goalies stunk and the players are junk, Leaf fans all must be insane
Ron Wilson roars "our games were bores!" there's no more hockey games

Oh there are no more hockey games, Leaf fans are feelin' shame
And the reason they feel that shame is that their team can't play the game

2nd period:

With so much trash, plays have no flash, the Leafs are in a bind
Burke spent a buck, cap hit is bursting up and Toskala MUST be blind
Will the pain ever cease? stings like bumble bees and hurts a burning flame
They see us slide the booze inside -theres no more hockey games

Oh there are no more hockey games, Leaf fans are feelin' shame
And the reason they feel that shame is that their team can't play the game

3rd period: last game in this abortion of a season too

Oh take me where the hockey players actually show up at the rink-
And the Stanley Cup dreams are real enough for a good reason to drink-
I still feel sick, Kerry Fraser is a dick, hope things arnt as bad as they seem-
Theres always next year, and lots of beer! There's no more hockey games!

Oh there are no more hockey games, Leaf fans are feelin' shame
And the reason they feel that shame is that their team can't play the game

Oh there are no more hockey games, Leaf fans are feelin' shame
And the reason they feel that shame is that their team can't play the game

Oh there are no more hockey games, Leaf fans are feelin' shame
And the reason they feel that shame is that their team can't play the game

Stats Quo - Update

Prospect Stat Check - How we doin?

Phillipe Paradis - Shawiningan Cataractes - QMJHL
Reg - 63GP - 24G - 20A - 44PTS - 104PIM
Post -5GP- 2G - 1A - 3PTS - 0PIM

Mikhail Stephanovich - Quebec Ramparts - QMJHL
Reg- 53GP - 25G - 43A - 68PTS - 24PIM
Post -5GP - 3G - 6A - 9PTS - 0PIM
Dale Mitchell - Windsor Spitfires - OHL
Reg - 32GP - 16G - 27A - 43PTS - 44PIM
Post - 4GP - 2G - 4A - 6PTS - 6PIM

Jesse Blacker - Owen Sound Attack - OHL
Reg- 57GP - 6G - 27A - 33PTS - 74PIM
Post - N/A

Kenny Ryan - Windsor Spitfires - OHL
Reg - 52GP - 14G - 21A - 35PTS - 33PIM
Post -4Gp - 1G - 0A - 1PTS - 4PIM

Nazem Kadri - London Knights - OHL
Reg- 56GP - 35G - 58A - 93PTS - 105PIM
Post - 5GP - 4G - 10 A - 14PTS - 14PIM

Joel Champagne - Victoriaville Tigers - QMJHL
Reg - 65GP - 38G - 41A - 79PTS - 47PIM
Post - 5GP - 3G - 2A - 5PTS - 0 PIM

Jerry D'Amigo - R.P.I - NCAA
Reg - 35GP - 10G -24A - 34PTS - 37PIM
Post - N/A

James Devane -Plymouth Whalers - OHL
Reg - 51GP - 6G - 8A - 14PTS - 84PIM
Post - 5GP - 0G -1A - 1PTS - 7PIM

Jimmy Hayes - Boston College - NCAA
Reg - 38GP - 10G - 20A -30PTS - 22PIM
Post - N/A

Chris DiDominico - Drummondville Voltigeurs - QMJHL
Reg - 12GP - 7G - 15A - 22PIM - 10PIM
Post - 4GP - 2G - 8A - 10PTS - 0PIM

Odd Ends but No End To The Odd

Holy shit...I have a blog.
Remember when I said I was back? Well I mean it this time.
First things first. You may have noticed a not so shocking lack of "game in ten words or less" posts.
There is a reason for that. I hate doing it. It was a good idea that I might bring back next year but the Leafs season thus far has created a burnout of sorts, so no more of that this season *.
Secondly. Fuck the Senators. Bunch of gutless pukes, enjoy your first round exit ya tool bags.
Thirdly .I am loving the play of the youth movement in Toronto. There is still a ton of work to be done and players like Stalberg, Caputi and Hanson REALLY need some seasoning in the AHL. Sure they all show flashes of what might be but now they look like marginal NHLers.
Fourthly. did anyone expect the Leafs to miss Grabbo that much? Since his return they are on a tear. Love that crazy bastard.
Fithly. Seriously, fuck the Senators. Alfredsson is a piece of dog shit.
Sixthly. I am actually enjoying Leaf games again. I am past the whole "oh noes the Bruins might get Hall!" thing and am actually excited to see how the team gels together and grows as a group.
Seventh.....ly. I like soup.

*Offer void If I think of something hilarious or what not.

PS - I don't give a fuck about Tiger Woods, shut up about it
PPS - Fuck the Sens

Where Dreams Go To Die

Short and sweet, I am trying to be productive today so you don't get any filler (funny how the post isn't empty eh?)
Here are the top 5 dreams of Leaf fans round yon Interwebs that NEED TO DIE BECAUSE THEY ARN'T FUCKING HAPPENING.

1 - Getting Kovalchuck in the off season. Too much money, too much term, too much soft one way sniper and we already have Kessel and half what he will cost.

2- Trading Kaberle to Vancouver for Hodgeson/Kesler whatever. The Nucks don't need Kaberle bad enough to part with the price Burke will be asking.

3 - Trading Kaberle for Jordan Staal. See number 2, the Pens wont even consider it.

4- Penciling Kadri in the lineup next year. He won't get more than a cup of tea with the Leafs next year and will spend the majority with the Marlies to put on weight and test his metal against grown ass men.

5- Another quantity for quality trade (see Phaneuf trade). I've seen a lot of "well look what we gave up for Phaneuf!" talk when discussing possible future trades. But think about this. Most of the remaining peices are either UFA's that are going to be let walk (Exelby, Lundmark) or young talent (Kulemin, Schenn, Caputi) that Burke won't trade.
All of the tradeable value, except Kaberle , is gone.

Bonus crushed dream
Stop expecting a Kings ransom for Kaberle.
Lets pretend the Hawks need a puck mover, and they don't win the cup, maybe get beat in the quarters or whatever(note, I am not suggesting this trade it is just a value example) and they REALLY like Kaberle and think he could be the final peice to get them the chalice. Ignoring cap situations and logistics, I peg maximum return for a Kaberle straight up to Chicago at the 26th over all 1st round pick, Akim Alue and either a 2nd round in 2011 or a 3rd in 2010, and even that is pushing it.

Game 65: Leafs 1 - Flyers 3

For a tough team, the flyers ice alot of clowns

Game 63: Leafs 2 - Sens 1 (SO)

BooHoo

Moar Crosby choppin'

What'cha gonna do when Crosby Mania runs wild on you?

Having too much fun with this

Game 63: Leafs 2 - Bruins 3 (SO) - Crosby Goodness

My submission to the Crosby photochop competition.
oh and your game in 10 words or less.


Cup-puti! I hate American goalers

Game 62: Leafs 1 - Canes 5

I already miss Poni. Hehe CaPoootie

Game 61: Leafs 0 - Blues 4

Ugh, bring on the olympics

Game 60: Leafs 2 - Sharks 3

Missed it by THAT much!

Game 59: Leafs 5 - Sens 0

Gettin' Giggy with it

Sometimes Hockey Doesn't Matter

My condolences and deepest heartfelt sympathies to the Burke and Reedy families in this time of loss. The thoughts of Leaf nation are with you in this difficult time.

Bow Bow Bow Chicka Chicka Bow Bow Chicka Wow

Well hello there peoples of the interwebs.
Dead I am not, I have just been....distracted.
And not just by shiny objects this time. Thing is, up till recently, the Leafs have been anything but fun to write about, probably on the parallel with watching Ken Hitchcock seductively rub his man-maries.



simmer



So back the half assed apologies and excuses for being lazy.

I have none, nope. The Leafs have been terrible and I havn't felt like discussing it at length or in 10 words or less.

Speaking of that here is my 10 words or less for every game I missed.
OMG DION AN GIGGY WTFBBQ!

And now, a Bunny with a pancake on its head

I'm back bitches!

Game 49: Leafs 3 - Thrashers 4

The team you are trying to watch...sucks

Game 49: Leafs 4 - Predators 3

Slumps....BUSTED! Thank Jebus

Game 48: Leafs 1 - Caps 6

Well that was TOTALLY unexpected.....

Gmae 47: Leafs 4 - Flyers 0

BO-ZAK!

Game 45: Leafs 2 - Canes 4

It is dark at the bottom of the barrel

Crystal Balls

Welp, that decade sucked didn't it Leaf fans?
Sure the turn of the century teams were fair to good but since? Blech.
So what do we have to look forward to in the 10's? Most would say not much, 2 first round picks, Burke's head on a platter blah blah blah.
I however have a different view.
Here are my 10 Positive predictions for the next 10 years of leafs.

10- A return to respectability. The Leafs may not win the cup, but they will be competative. The Leafs will Ice a team for 3-4 straight years who will challenge to go deep.

9- The Leafs will attain a franchise player. I'm talking Sundin 2.o here. A player who will define this organization, be the face of the blue and white and be respected League wide for the type of player he is.

8- A Leaf player will score 50 goals.

7 - A Leaf goaltender will be nominated for the viezna.

6- Brian Burke will live out his full tenure as the Leafs GM, and be remembered fondly when he is gone.

5- The Leafs will make the playoffs at least 7 of the 10 years.

4- Two of the Leafs late round draft picks will become very good NHL players, maybe not Kaberle or Datsyuk good, but better than the average 1st rounder.

3- The Leafs will win the Kessel trade.

2 - Mats Sundin's number will be honoured and will be a first ballot hall of famer.

1- The Leafs will make it to the Stanley cup finals, and will make a series out of it.

Game 44: Leafs 2 - Sabres 3

Go die in a fire Ryan Miller.....Not really...maybe

Prospecting

This is more of an experiment in curiosity than a well thought out post, so don't go expecting startling revelations and comedic gold.
Here are the current statistics for Some Toronto Maple Leafs Prospects not playing for the Marlies.

Phillipe Paradis - 11G 14A 25PTS 57PIM -9 47GP
Mikhail Stephanovich - 11G 19A 30PTS 10PIM -2 27GP
Dale Mitchell - 9G 20A 29PTS 18PIM +15 19GP
Jesse Blacker - 3G 18A 21PTS 32PIM -13 35GP
Kenny Ryan - 7G 11A 18PTS 16PIM +7 25GP
Nazem Kadri - 20G 18A 38PTS 62PIM +13 28GP
Joel Champagne - 18G 27A 44PTS 32PIM +6 40GP
Jerry D'Amigo - 5G 9A 14PTS 10PIM +6 18GP
James Devane - 3G 3A 6PTS 23PIM 0 25GP
Jimmy Hayes - 4G 10A 14PTS 6PIM+ 2 17GP
Chris DiDominico - Has Not played

Oooga booga shooby doo

Game 43: Leafs 2 - Flyers 6

Facepalm

Game 42: Leafs 3 - Panthers 2

Goal? Me? Poni?!?!

Game 41: Leafs 1 - Flames 3

Monster good monstrous, Leafs offense bad monstrous