The new members of the Toronto Maple Leafs are gathered in a board room at the Air Canada Center. The room is set up like a class room, individual desks for all the players, a big desk up front, even a projector and other implements of education strewn around the room. They appear to be waiting..... except for Scrivens who appears to be asleep at his desk.
Kris Versteeg: Hey Cheese, did the note you got say anything about why we are here?
Colby Armstrong: Stop calling me that....and no, the note just said be here at 9am sharp.
Versteeg: Haha, sharp cheese....I used to play with a guy named Sharp. He smelt like tacos.
Armstrong: What the hell is wrong with you?
Versteeg: Beauty!
Just then the door opens. In walks Brian Burke, he is flanked by Dion Phaneuf and Mike Komisarek.
Dion Phaneuf: TEN HUT!
the players all snap to in their seats, except for Scrivens who is startled awake and falls sideways onto the floor
Scrivens: EEEYAUUUAH!
Brian Burke: Dion, what the hell did I tell you about that Army BS?
Phaneuf: SIR, YOU SAID NOT TO BARK ORDERS LIKE A DRILL SARGENT UNTIL THE SEASON STARTS, SIR!
Burke: and you are doing what?
Phaneuf: SIR, SORRY SIR, WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN SIR!
Burke: /sigh
Burke then pauses to look around the room at his new players, upright at their desks.
Burke: Welcome, all of you, to the Toronto Maple Leafs. This is to be your introductory class into the school of pugnacity, testosterone, truculence, and belligerence. Where you will learn what it means to play for a storied franchise such as the Leafs.
Versteeg: I played for the Blackhawks!
Burke: Yes, I know, but if you speak out of turn again, I will let Mike Komisarek here give you a practical lesson in pain.
Komisarek opens his suit jacket, revealing a holstered pistol with "Truculence" inscribed in the handle.
Armstrong raises his hand
Burke: Yes Colby?
Armstrong: well, uh...sir, I'm just curious as to what exactly we will be learning, I mean I am pretty good at body checking and the physical aspect of the game.
Burke: Oh yes, I know, that is why I brought you in. But we are hear to teach you MORE, this isnt just about being physical on the ice, it is about embodying the spirit of PTTB.
Versteeg raises his hand
Burke: Yes Chris?
Versteeg: Actually its Kris, but, uh yeah, like cheese said, I'm not sure exactly how we are going to learn what....
Versteeg trails off as he stares out the window
Armstrong: Uh....Kris?
Versteeg: birdy...beauty...birdeauty.....
Burke: Right....Ok we haven't heard from the rest of the class. Lets start with some get to know each other questions. How does it feel to be a Maple Leaf. Lets start with you Brett Lebda
Lebda: Brett Lebda likes being a Maple Leaf,Brett Lebda likes the city of Toronto. Brett Lebda is excited to go on the ice and play. Brett Lebda can't believe you pay him so much. Brett Lebda… Brett…. Lebda…Brett…..LebbbbbzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz
Burke: O....k..... Jussi?
Jussi Rynnas: En alle seistä omalla kielellä, koska en puhu Englanti. Minulla ei ole aavistustakaan, mitä täällä. Missä minun kengät?
Burke: The hell? Can we get a translator here? Where is Gustavsson when I need him?
Dion: SIR, GUSTAVSSON IS SWEDISH SIR, RYNNAS IS FINNISH, THAT IS TWO DIFFERENT LANGUAGES AND CULTURES, BOTH INTERESTING IN THEIR OWN UNIQUE AND BEAUTIFUL WAY, SIR.
Burke: Shut up Dion.
Dion: SIR, YES SIR.
Armstrong raises his hand.
Burke: Yes, Cheese?
Armstrong: Well sir, I speak fluent Finnish and...wait, did you just call me Cheese?
Burke: Why yes I did, Cheese. It is very catchy.
Armstrong: Never mind....
Burke: Ok how about you Ben? Wait...why are you still on the floor?
Scrivens: It is cool and smooth, like Italian marble. Or the glass in a store front window.
Burke: O.k....fuck this, I'm out.
Burke walks to the door followed by Phaneuf and Komisarek, as he leaves he yells.
Burke: HEY RONNIE DUB, YOUR ON DECK.
Ron Wilson bursts in the room in full gangsta attire
Ron Wilson: YO YO YO CRACKA'S LETS GET RIZZEAL!
to be continued.....
Showing posts with label MC Crunch. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MC Crunch. Show all posts
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Bringin' It Back To The Old School
October 17th, 2009, 7:15AM
The Toronto Maple Leafs are gathered in the dressing room before their game day practice, awaiting Ron Wilson , who is 15 minutes late.
Stajan: I feel a disturbance in the force.
Mitchell: You are such a fuckin' nerd.
Schenn: Ha! Good one Johnny!
Mitchell: Fuck Yea it was.
suddenly a deep bass is heard, starting out far away, but coming ever closer.
Komisarek: Is that DMX?
Beauchemin: who the hell listens to that stuff anymore?
Stajan's face suddenly goes pale, as he remembers.
Stajan: Mother of god....Not again
just then the dressing room door flies open and in pimp-steps Ron Wilson, who is, as the kids say, G'd up from the feet up. An old school boom box blasting 'Party up in here' balancing on his shoulders.
Wilson: Ronniiiiiee Dubb in the hizzoooooouse.
Poni: Oh no CoachRonWilson is tha snoopydogg man again!
Wilson: Das right bitches, puttin this shit on re-wind. Ya'll gonna get a face full of gangsta up in this peice todizzay.
Mayers: I still find this offensive,
Blake: Quiet you cracka ass cracka!
Wilson pimp slaps Blake with authority.
Wilson: You keep talken trash and I'm gonna continue to colourize your albino ass face, ya dig?
Blake:(looking at the ground, dejected) Yes sir.
Beauchemin: What the hell is going on? What is wrong with you coach? I think you've been listening to too much East side boyz.
Wilson: Funny you should mention dizzat, honky. Cause we'z about to have a real n***a roll call up in this peice!
Mayers: I am now VERY offended.
Poni: Why must you hate on Nigeria JamalMayers?
Stajan: This is why no one likes you Poni.
Wilson: QUIET BITCH-ES! Its time for dat roll call, aight? I'm gonna stizzart callen out some Real OG' Leafs who know how to wizzin, they's gonna get all up in your grill and show you da trizzue mizzeaning of trizzuculence.
White: OH GOD NOT AGAIN!
Stajan: Someone hold me!
Wilson opens the door.
Wilson: Yo! Get your gangsta ass's in here y'all!
Wilson changes songs on the boom box to "Where the hood at?"
into the dressing room walk Tie Domi, Doug Gilmour and Luke Schenn walk in the door and stand behind Wilson, putting on the indimidation.
Stajan: Luke? how the hell did.....
Wilson: Shut Up fool! Deez here tough ass mofo's bout to rock your body right!
Hagman: Was that a Backstreet Boys reference?
Mitchell: Fuckin' I dunno, but fuckin' it sounded kinda queer.
Wilson: Oh dats it, you crack'a ass crackas!
Poni: is you talking to me CoachRonWilson?
Wilson: YO, MC CRUNCH, ROCK THIS PARTY!
suddenly the entire rink shakes with the force of an earthquake. Mike VanRyan bursts into flames.
Entire Team: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!!!
Wilson: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH BOOOOOIIIIII!!
The Toronto Maple Leafs are gathered in the dressing room before their game day practice, awaiting Ron Wilson , who is 15 minutes late.
Stajan: I feel a disturbance in the force.
Mitchell: You are such a fuckin' nerd.
Schenn: Ha! Good one Johnny!
Mitchell: Fuck Yea it was.
suddenly a deep bass is heard, starting out far away, but coming ever closer.
Komisarek: Is that DMX?
Beauchemin: who the hell listens to that stuff anymore?
Stajan's face suddenly goes pale, as he remembers.
Stajan: Mother of god....Not again
just then the dressing room door flies open and in pimp-steps Ron Wilson, who is, as the kids say, G'd up from the feet up. An old school boom box blasting 'Party up in here' balancing on his shoulders.
Wilson: Ronniiiiiee Dubb in the hizzoooooouse.
Poni: Oh no CoachRonWilson is tha snoopydogg man again!
Wilson: Das right bitches, puttin this shit on re-wind. Ya'll gonna get a face full of gangsta up in this peice todizzay.
Mayers: I still find this offensive,
Blake: Quiet you cracka ass cracka!
Wilson pimp slaps Blake with authority.
Wilson: You keep talken trash and I'm gonna continue to colourize your albino ass face, ya dig?
Blake:(looking at the ground, dejected) Yes sir.
Beauchemin: What the hell is going on? What is wrong with you coach? I think you've been listening to too much East side boyz.
Wilson: Funny you should mention dizzat, honky. Cause we'z about to have a real n***a roll call up in this peice!
Mayers: I am now VERY offended.
Poni: Why must you hate on Nigeria JamalMayers?
Stajan: This is why no one likes you Poni.
Wilson: QUIET BITCH-ES! Its time for dat roll call, aight? I'm gonna stizzart callen out some Real OG' Leafs who know how to wizzin, they's gonna get all up in your grill and show you da trizzue mizzeaning of trizzuculence.
White: OH GOD NOT AGAIN!
Stajan: Someone hold me!
Wilson opens the door.
Wilson: Yo! Get your gangsta ass's in here y'all!
Wilson changes songs on the boom box to "Where the hood at?"
into the dressing room walk Tie Domi, Doug Gilmour and Luke Schenn walk in the door and stand behind Wilson, putting on the indimidation.
Stajan: Luke? how the hell did.....
Wilson: Shut Up fool! Deez here tough ass mofo's bout to rock your body right!
Hagman: Was that a Backstreet Boys reference?
Mitchell: Fuckin' I dunno, but fuckin' it sounded kinda queer.
Wilson: Oh dats it, you crack'a ass crackas!
Poni: is you talking to me CoachRonWilson?
Wilson: YO, MC CRUNCH, ROCK THIS PARTY!
suddenly the entire rink shakes with the force of an earthquake. Mike VanRyan bursts into flames.
Entire Team: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!!!
Wilson: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH BOOOOOIIIIII!!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Skull Candy
Well my little chickadee's, the NHL season is over. Yeah yeah yeah, I know there is playoffs and all that jazz, but honestly do they matter sans Leafs? Of course not, don't be silly. Nothing that doesn't include Toronto matters, don't you read the papers?
What do we do now? Watch these 'playoffs'? watch one of those lesser sports? play DDR excessively?
Well, for those of you wondering what the BEST options you have at your disposal are, I have compiled a top ten list, I love lists
10 - Stare at a picture of Gary Betman and try to make his eyeballs explode with your mind
9 - watch All Heart over and over and over and over and over and over and over (this goes on for a while)
8 - Try, without success to keep track of all the young prospects Burke signs
7 - Grow a mustache to further your career
6 - Over value the current Leaf roster so your draft day hopes and ridiculous predictions crush your soul.
5- Play NHL 09 ad nausium and hope that your Xbox gets struck by lightening and that Leaf dynasty you built appears on the ACC ice.
4 - Send threats to any GM who drafts a head of the Leafs demanding that they trade their first rounder to Burke or else "you know who" will visit them in the night.
3 - Play DDR excessively
2 - Wear your Leaf gear everywhere just to piss off fans of other teams, respond to their "not in the playoffs" retorts with a paintball gun you have concealed in your TML Snuggie.
1- Fantasize endlessly about Luke Schenn, as if you already weren't
What do we do now? Watch these 'playoffs'? watch one of those lesser sports? play DDR excessively?
Well, for those of you wondering what the BEST options you have at your disposal are, I have compiled a top ten list, I love lists
10 - Stare at a picture of Gary Betman and try to make his eyeballs explode with your mind
9 - watch All Heart over and over and over and over and over and over and over (this goes on for a while)
8 - Try, without success to keep track of all the young prospects Burke signs
7 - Grow a mustache to further your career
6 - Over value the current Leaf roster so your draft day hopes and ridiculous predictions crush your soul.
5- Play NHL 09 ad nausium and hope that your Xbox gets struck by lightening and that Leaf dynasty you built appears on the ACC ice.
4 - Send threats to any GM who drafts a head of the Leafs demanding that they trade their first rounder to Burke or else "you know who" will visit them in the night.
3 - Play DDR excessively
2 - Wear your Leaf gear everywhere just to piss off fans of other teams, respond to their "not in the playoffs" retorts with a paintball gun you have concealed in your TML Snuggie.
1- Fantasize endlessly about Luke Schenn, as if you already weren't
Monday, October 6, 2008
Hip-Hop-Hurray
Monday, October 6th, 2008.
The Toronto Maple Leafs gather in their dressing room before an early morning practice.
Stajan: Hey, where the hell is Mark?
Poni: I do not know comrade, he say he coming over for pizza and sleep-over party last night, but he not come, Jason Blake even make him smores.
Blake: I wish you would stop addressing me by by full name.
Poni: Who is you?
Suddenly the chatter stops as a deep bass sound is heard, coming towards the room. The door swings open and in steps Ron Wilson carrying a boom box over his shoulder B-Boy style. DMX's Ruff Ryder Anthem Blaring from the speakers. Wilson is wearing his regular suit, but a huge gold chain with a massive Diamond encrusted Blue Maple Leaf dangling from it. He also sports two five finger rings with the words "Maple" and "Leafs" embossed on them with jewels and a pair of ridiculous Kanye West style sunglasses. He sets the boom box down and turns down the tunes so he can speak over them.
Wilson: Wassup bitches??
The team is shocked silent.
Wilson: I said wassup, you wack ass fools, don't y'all know you aught'a address yo coach when he axes you a quizzestion?
Poni raises his hand
Wilson: Talk to me P.
Poni: Uh, coach, confused we is. Why you suddenly all shiny and talking like the big snoopy dogg?
Wilson: Thats simple you crack'a ass crack'a. I'm trying to inject a lil thug life up in y'all grillz.
He smiles revealing an over the top grill in his mouth with TML in diamonds on it.
Wilson: I gots dis fly brain wave last night after that crizzash and bizzurn y'all had last night. If we gonna get round to hangen' on to them two G leads, we gotta be bang' and hang'n tough. And what is mo bangin' than black hip hop culture? We gonna get our crunk on, West coast style!
Mayers: I find this offensive.
Wilson: Quiet honky.
Haggman: Was that a New kids reference?
Steen: Do you even know what half the stuff you are saying means?
Wilson: I know that y'all is a bunch'a bustas, and I need y'all to be rollin' like OG's.
Tlusty: Oppressive Gonorrhea?
Wilson: Wha?...No! Remind me to bitch slap your ass late'a fool.
Antro: You may not want to do that Commerade, catch some interwebs cooties you might, Lenin knows where he has been.
Wilson:Ya'll is wack as can be. So to show you how OGs get down, I went and scooped me a hard core OG from the block, this bad ass mofo is straight up loco and he's gonna show you fools how to get down and dirty on tha ice. Fo Shizz.
Wilson opens the door again and calls out.
Wilson: Yo, MC Crunch, time to break these honkys off a lil somethin' somethin'.
Not a second later a large section of the wall of the dressing room literally disintegrates and Wendel Clark steps through the hole cracking his knuckles
Wendel: It's time to rain pain and hail hurt, bitches!
The room explodes in panicked motion as everyone scurries for cover.
White: SQUEEEEEEL!
Steen: PLEASE DON'T PUNCH OUT MY BLOOD, I NEED THAT FOR CIRCULATING OXYGEN TO MY VITAL ORGANS!
Poni: I HATE YOU SNOOPY DOGG!
Carlo: AUGH! HIS VOICE SHATTERED MY TIBIA, HELP!
Wilson smiles and cranks the tunes and raises the roof as the entire Leaf squad scampers around in circles trying to avoid Wendel, who is having too much fun scaring them to do any damage, except for Carlo, whose bones shatter every time Wendel utters a word. Eventually the team manages to find the door and run out, Wendel hot on their heals.
Wilson: YEEEEAH BOOOOIIIII!
The Toronto Maple Leafs gather in their dressing room before an early morning practice.
Stajan: Hey, where the hell is Mark?
Poni: I do not know comrade, he say he coming over for pizza and sleep-over party last night, but he not come, Jason Blake even make him smores.
Blake: I wish you would stop addressing me by by full name.
Poni: Who is you?
Suddenly the chatter stops as a deep bass sound is heard, coming towards the room. The door swings open and in steps Ron Wilson carrying a boom box over his shoulder B-Boy style. DMX's Ruff Ryder Anthem Blaring from the speakers. Wilson is wearing his regular suit, but a huge gold chain with a massive Diamond encrusted Blue Maple Leaf dangling from it. He also sports two five finger rings with the words "Maple" and "Leafs" embossed on them with jewels and a pair of ridiculous Kanye West style sunglasses. He sets the boom box down and turns down the tunes so he can speak over them.
Wilson: Wassup bitches??
The team is shocked silent.
Wilson: I said wassup, you wack ass fools, don't y'all know you aught'a address yo coach when he axes you a quizzestion?
Poni raises his hand
Wilson: Talk to me P.
Poni: Uh, coach, confused we is. Why you suddenly all shiny and talking like the big snoopy dogg?
Wilson: Thats simple you crack'a ass crack'a. I'm trying to inject a lil thug life up in y'all grillz.
He smiles revealing an over the top grill in his mouth with TML in diamonds on it.
Wilson: I gots dis fly brain wave last night after that crizzash and bizzurn y'all had last night. If we gonna get round to hangen' on to them two G leads, we gotta be bang' and hang'n tough. And what is mo bangin' than black hip hop culture? We gonna get our crunk on, West coast style!
Mayers: I find this offensive.
Wilson: Quiet honky.
Haggman: Was that a New kids reference?
Steen: Do you even know what half the stuff you are saying means?
Wilson: I know that y'all is a bunch'a bustas, and I need y'all to be rollin' like OG's.
Tlusty: Oppressive Gonorrhea?
Wilson: Wha?...No! Remind me to bitch slap your ass late'a fool.
Antro: You may not want to do that Commerade, catch some interwebs cooties you might, Lenin knows where he has been.
Wilson:Ya'll is wack as can be. So to show you how OGs get down, I went and scooped me a hard core OG from the block, this bad ass mofo is straight up loco and he's gonna show you fools how to get down and dirty on tha ice. Fo Shizz.
Wilson opens the door again and calls out.
Wilson: Yo, MC Crunch, time to break these honkys off a lil somethin' somethin'.
Not a second later a large section of the wall of the dressing room literally disintegrates and Wendel Clark steps through the hole cracking his knuckles
Wendel: It's time to rain pain and hail hurt, bitches!
The room explodes in panicked motion as everyone scurries for cover.
White: SQUEEEEEEL!
Steen: PLEASE DON'T PUNCH OUT MY BLOOD, I NEED THAT FOR CIRCULATING OXYGEN TO MY VITAL ORGANS!
Poni: I HATE YOU SNOOPY DOGG!
Carlo: AUGH! HIS VOICE SHATTERED MY TIBIA, HELP!
Wilson smiles and cranks the tunes and raises the roof as the entire Leaf squad scampers around in circles trying to avoid Wendel, who is having too much fun scaring them to do any damage, except for Carlo, whose bones shatter every time Wendel utters a word. Eventually the team manages to find the door and run out, Wendel hot on their heals.
Wilson: YEEEEAH BOOOOIIIII!
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