Thursday, July 31, 2008

LoLeafs - Indecision Edition

Insider information on what Mats is really doing!

Woo! Eat it Eklund!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Light Our Darkest Hour

In an attempt to play catch up with events that I missed like Carlo throwing an open ice it I'm gonna get with the program, lets see if I can avoid cracking my bean open on the boards.

Sexism. Something I am rather familiar with through many hyper-feminist post secondary educators, including one doozey who tried to get me kicked out of class because I refused to comply with her attempt to recruit the whole class into feminists I took the high road and said that the word feminism offends me because it implies that females are better than males ( I know this is not true, I was just saying it because she was being a self indulgent fascist) and that I was an equalist because I believed in equality above all things. Rant rant rant.

Because of this sexist crap about females of the blog-o-sphere not being able to hack it, or not knowing hockey from lawn darts and the making of sammiches and fetching of beers I have given my head a hard shake. I know ignorance like this exists, but to see it there in roman times 12 on my beloved inter-wubs always manages to make me question the value of a large percentage of humanity.

So instead of ranting like, I'm gonna throw down some props to some of the baddest bra bearing bloggettes around.

Scarlette Ice
Sherry, while having terrible tastes in hockey teams, has become a staple of fem-blogging. With a perfect blend of humour, wit and hockey insight she rivals some of the top blogs on the cyberweb with her writting. Sharpening her talents on the blog-o-sphere has helped her land a job covering hockey across the pond and I wouldn't be surprised if that one day lead her back to Canada covering her own team, or maybe even yours! dum dum dum!

Margee knows more about sports than I could ever hope to. Football, baseball and most importantly hockey she covers and nails em all. Margee has an uncanny ability to make me laugh. She is probably the funniest person in the blog-o-sphere. She writes for the female sports fan, but the thing is, you don't have to be a female (Hi!) or a sports fan to get your moneys worth out of the site. Margee, you'se attractive.

The Wonderful World Of Loser Domi
Loser Domi has made a name for herself writing endlessly entertaining Leaf-slasher-fan-fic. She joins me on the bright side of the Barilkosphere in trying to bring comedy, and comedy alone to the Blue and White masses. She fights the good fight and knows how to dual Lol-pics like a veteran.

Wrap Around Curl
Wrap Around "Heather" Curl is another excellent blog lyricist. Her corner of the net is rapidly becoming one of my favourite bus stops and it was actually her post a few days ago that prompted me to give props to the ladies of blogdom. She excels at coherent thoughtful and funny ranting. Her hockey hotties series, while totally not ment for such as me is very interesting to watch. I expect big things from this blog in the coming times.

I Mean We Got Guys
Wrap Around Curl's partner in crime in the hockey hotties dream team. Another excellent blogger who focuses mainly on WHL hockey but also supports the Hurricanes and Maple Leafs and is a big fan of Thomas Kaberle. I can't argue with a Kabby fan. Also her recent post about being a hockey fan. Period. over at PPP Made all of us stop and think. *high five*

Hockey Ladies Of Greatness
A vast and wonderful collection of the best fem-bloggers around. It includes some of the above and a ton more that deserve post time but due to limited space I cannot add em all. Ch-ch-ch-check it out.

Apologies to those I did not include, its a large interwebs, rock on ladies, rock on!
Also, if you know where I got the title for this post, you are as big a nerd as I am.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Who Are You? Who? Who?....Who? Who?

After just listening to the newest, latest and most updatedest pod-cast at He Score He Shoot, it has come to my attention that I have never picked myself an NHL equivalent.
Now as a kid I always sort of fancied myself the Doug Gilmour type. I was smaller, tough and actually had the nick-name Killer (note, through my 'career' I have also had nicknames such as 'elbows' , 'hatchett' which is kinda a play on my last name and 'crash' all for my style of play) for a year on one of my Rep hockey teams as a youngin'. Now that seems a little sacreligious, not to mention preposterous as Dougie was a natural leader and excellent consistent point producer. Both of which I am not. Then I got to thinking maybe it was Darcy Tucker whom was my counterpart. Again, smaller of stature, tough as nails, and he agitated the crap out of everyone. But no again. Tucker liked to chirp a bit to get his opponents going, I always thought a stick to the back of the knee said more than words ever could. I also suck real bad at one-timers.
I am perplexed. Who the crap am I? So I turn to you, my dear readers.
In the comments I need some suggestions from y'all. I wanna know who you think fits this bill.
A smallish (under 6ft, 200lbs) natural winger with good wheels, a crash and bang style who likes to drive the net and is just as happy dropping the mitts as he is scoring a goal. And lets face it, he has to be a bit of a jack-ass, because I mean....well you've read my posts.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Comedy Hour

An Ottawa based Doctor enters his office and a man in a Sens jersey is sitting on his examination table holding a large blood soaked towel to his foot.
"Well what do we have here, Mr..." he checks the chart "Jack Smith"**
"Fuck doc" he starts " I was in line for some hockey tickets, see the Sens are playing the Laffs next month and I wanted to get some good seats you know. And this jack ass Laff fan in a Sundin Jersey is in front of me starts eye ballin' me and shit. So I says to the fucker, what you staring at jackass? The reason your team hasn't made the playoffs for 3 years? So you know what this fuck face says to me? He says that the Leafs won the Battle of Ontario last year, fucking fuck I mean Fuck! So I get in his face, start telling him how shitty the Leafs are. I mean, can you imagine being a Leaf fan in Ottawa? Having to deal with watching a good team on the ice? I mean the brain damage this guy must have had. So he tells me to step off, he just wants to get his tickets and not get involved with an ass like me. Can you believe that? A Leaf fan calling me an ass? So I call him the pussy that he is and am just getting going on ripping into his team when I slip off the curb, and step on a goddamn nail, hurts like hell."

"Ok" says the doc "take off your shoe, I need to stem the bleeding"

So the man takes the shoe off his injured foot as the doc pulls out a pair of medic scissors.

"What the hell are you doing with those doc?"

"Well I'm out of gauze, but good thing you wore that hockey sweater, the material is perfect for making a make shift band aid."

"whoa whoa doc, you can't do that, this is an authentic Alfredson jersey, It cost me 200$"

"Well it's going to cost you your foot if you don't stem the bleeding soon, that jersey is your only hope for saving your foot"

the man sighs and nods. And the doc begins cutting, within seconds the Jersey is in ribbons and the doctor begins to wrap the mans foot with the tattered remains. As he does this, the doctor's elbow bumps a cabinet and several dozen packages of gauze come tumbling out.

"what the hell?" quips the Sens fan, his face flushing with anger "What kind of Doctor are you?"

The Doc looks up and smiles at the man

"Dr Leaf fan, at your service."

**Name = fictional But Note, this is a story that was told to me by a paramedic buddy of mine, he claims it is an actual event that took place in a Gatineaux hospital, why I doubt the total and utter truth behind it. It's god damned funny to think it may have happened. I also updated it with last seasons happenings to keep the joke relevant.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Why Not?

Recently, a post over at grand master Lowtide's blog got me to wondering "Why Do You Blog?" and resisting the urge to argue with myself again (who wants to talk to that asshole) I came up with a pretty good reason, If I do (and I do) say so myself. Fade to flashback.
When I began this ride back in twenty aught six there were 3 main Leaf centric blogs that I knew about. Raking Leafs, Bitter Leaf and of course the venerable Pension Plan Puppets (in old school blogspot format). For a while, I read and enjoyed, and was a frequent commenter on the Infamous Battle Of Ontario site. But duking it out with Sens fans, while entertaining, a-bit somewhat frustrating (kinda like the Leafs now that I think about it), wasn't really voicing my own too well. One day while doing the daily blog-trol I got to thinking. The Barilkosphere as I know it is kinda like the A-Team, fighting for good with odd contraptions (arguments) made from whatever ammunition they could find (4 Years!). PPP was of course Hannibal, leading the charge spouting "I love it when a plan comes together" and MF37 and Ninja were like B.A. Baracus and Face (I'll let them decide who is who). But where was 'Howling Mad' Murdock? Where was the crazy, yet lovable goof who was more inclined to have fun than actually do anything of use? Then, realizing how insane the whole comparison was I realized it was me. The Barlikosphere needed me. It was a calling. "Go" it told me "and be that one everyone isn't too sure about upstairs, Have fun with the Leafs, show your love for them through humour and magic"
At first I tried the tried and true method of blending humour into personal analysis. I quickly realized this wasn't working too well and dove straight into the goof ball zone, and that is where we pretty much stand today. My writing style has matured (or immature'd) and I've carved out my niche, its comfy, its fun and it increased the time I spend on the internet probably 100 fold.
The best thing about this blogolation deal is that it makes me happy, it relaxes me. It introduced me to a group of strangers that have come to feel like friends. Faceless, odd and as much in Love with the Leafs as I am. It's been a good ride, lets keep going.

Still working on that magic thing though.

Whats that behind your ear? Oh a quarter!

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Toronto Maple-Stashes

There is so much to love about the Toronto Maple Leafs, it is often hard to find a jump off point when starting to discuss the awesom-tude that is the Blue and White. Where should I start? The Bad ass Maple Leaf? The legions of loyal and beloved fans? The storied history?

Nay, I say, Nay. The best place to start is quite obvious when you think about it. Its all about the flavour saver baby!

Thus I give you a count down of the top 4 mustaches in Maple Leaf history

4) Jamie Macoun
Just look at that proud lip plumage. A fine example of how a stash should be wrangled. My favourite Leaf defenseman of all time for no particular reason (probably the mustache) came up short here though. The competition was pretty stiff, and bristly, Jamie never stood a chance.

3) Pat Burns

One of the best coaches ever to grace the Blue and White Pine. Burns' stash could not be ignored. Unfortunately for Pat, he also possessed the steeliest gaze ever owned by a coach and it overwhelmed his stash, taking him out of the running early.

2) Lanny Macdonald

One of the great mustaches of all time. No one could do it bigger, or bushier. Lanny had his duster down to an art. A crazy bushman like art. It is rumored that the left side of his mustache weighed a whopping 26lbs, a full 2lbs heavier than the right side. This helped Lanny by giving him the ability to change direction at the drop of a hat simply by turning his head. It is also legend that there is a family living in Lanny's mustache that is unsure the Vietnam war ever ended. Unfortunately for Lanny's awesome mustache, I brought in a ringer.

1) Wendel Clark
Wendel's mustash, or the soup strainer of death as it is known in some circles, is infact made of pure titanium, grown by Wendel by schear will when he decided that human hair is for pussies. No facial hair has ever been more feared. It is said that when tossed up against Stalin and Hitler for most feared Mustash in human history the judge was heard screaming "PLEASE WENDEL! NOT IN THE FACE NOT IN THE FACE" after merely glimpsing at a picture of Clark's duster of doom. There was no other choice.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Dr. It Hurts When I Do This....

Hmm, seems' PPP has thrown down the "Who, What, Where, When and How" Gauntlet of Leafdom over at the fine establishment we all know as Pension Plan Puppets.
And Since I am all about cutting corners....I mean killing birds with stones and throwing eggs at baskets and what not. I'm gonna cross-post this bad boy.

This story starts (for me at least) in a little tri-city slice called Kitchener. At the tender age of 5, I was a huge hockey fan, but hadn't developed a taste for a particular team yet. Instead of watching games with my father, I was usually out playing road or pond hockey with my mates until bed time. that didn't give much time for the Leafs to take a hold of me. Then one day, out of the blue, I noticed my father wearing a strange yet wondrous, Blue Maple Leaf hat. I queried "Father, is that thine most favouritist ice hockey club?"
"Yes, I doth been a fan of yonder Maple Leafs of Toronto for nigh on four score"
And as the mind of a 5 year old works when his father says something is the best I retorted "then tis mine as well"
From that point on, everything hockey became everything Blue and White, I wanted posters, shirts, hats, flasks, anything with that magnetic Maple Leaf adorning it. I also began to watch real live NHL games on the TV. After the first one I was hooked. Iafrate's bald spot and Alan Bester's five hole could not get me to turn away. I was forever and hopelessly ever addicted.
My addiction culminated in the infamous 93 playoff run. Since then I get withdrawal if I miss one game, the shakes if a trade happens and I don't know about it and blinding rage when someone dares question my loyalty to this team.
Years of this madness have turned me into the lovable weirdo of London that you have all come to know and wonder what the hell is wrong with.

Peace Out Homeslices!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

They're Comming To Take Me Away, Ha-ha

I sat down at work last night on my break and did some thinkin'. I asked myself between bites of leftover Panzeroti and slugs from my flask"Self, what the hell kind of team is Un'ca Cliff trying to build here" and at first, I couldn't answer myself. So myself stared at me with wonder in my eyes while I thought.
"Well" I said to myself, trying to stall for time. "Lets take a look at what he's done so far". Myself nodded and we went over the list of additions. First we discussed how Cliff went after leadership and toughness with the Jamal Mayers pickup. Then about how he is solidifying the rear end with rock hard stay at home defensive types by trading up to Draft Shenn and pulling Colorado's Finger. The pattern then became more muddy when we talked about going for speed up front with the signings of Grab-ass and Hag-ass. Myself and I soon became a little frustrated when we talked about him jumping back on the physical defense train with the Frog and then back again to the 'tough' angle with our most recent pick up in Hollwigger.
"Wow" Myself exlaimed to me "Cliff is more all over the map than Micheal J. Fox playing risk" I shot myself a look for being insensitive to the 80's mega-stars plight. "what?" he asked, oblivious idiot.
"Well" I said to myself. "I just think Cliff is trying to do everything he can to get the wheels back on the cart. He said that the dressing room was going to look much different come next season and he hasn't gone back on that"
"But what the hell is he gonna do with all these bodies? The Leafs have more extra men than a Village people music video"
"true" I said, ignoring the ignorant comment "but maybe he is just building up a surplus for when he ditches Bell, or McCabe or Kubina. Hell, he may even be saying in a round about way to the Leafs that if they don't want to play well, that they have plenty of bodies to fill the holes while you sit in the press box"
"Hmmmm, that actually makes a modicum of sense" Myself seemed pleased with this answer, and so was I. Especially since it would mean he would shut the hell up and let me eat my dinner.
"You gonna finish that Panzoroti?"
Man, myself is a dumb ass.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Weekend Update

Due to foreseen laziness, effort is suspended on my behalf.
Please enjoy the awesomeness of someone else's hard work.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Too Many Grandmas

The Leafs have, at the current station in time, too many men on the back end, and no, that's not a He Score / He Shoot reference.
Defense men, they be coming out of the woodwork, they be. McCabe, Kabby, Kubina, Carlo, The human Pun, Straleman, White, and probably Marlie training camp challengers in Kronwall, Froggy (yes, I've already nicknamed him) And TFS 2.0 (all rights reserved Four Habs Fans) the Shenninator the Leafs have a veritable plethora of blue line buccaneers.
Now, most likely, some of the above mentioned will be traded, moved or Marlie'd. I have a better, more unorthodox idea. I know eh? Unorthodox? From me? What is this, Bizarro world (Of Loser Domi).
It is simple. Make center a defensive position. That's right. Ya' Heard Me! The Leafs are already off center, so to speak, with no true number one center men. So this balances the roster nicely. Make one of the Defense, preferably one who can take a face off (practice practice practice boyos) and who has some decent speed take center stage! Its brilliant!
The Leafs aren't exactly an offensive power and goals will doubt fully come in bunches, but imagine Kabby patrolling the high slot in a defensive stance with Shut downers Finger and Shenn covering far back. Kabby's vision and excellent first pass combined with his excellent skating and positioning feeding speedsters like Blake and Grabs will have other teams in fits!
Throw this all in with Commander Wilson's penchant for defensive play and coaching and you have one tasty soup.

You can leave your complements to the chef in the comments.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Curse Of The Open Letter

I just realized something, every person I have written an open letter to has been removed, traded or bought out by the Leafs. Think about it. JFJ, Raycroft, Wellwood, Tucker, Woznewski.

And that got me to thinking....

An Open letter To Bryan McCabe:

Hey Bryan.

Whats up? How are the kids? Enjoying the weather on this lovely summers day? Just writting to catch up. You know where to write back.

Peace out hommie!


Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Dodging A Bullet....Or Two....Hey, Put Down The Uzi

There has been a lot of talk goin' round yond inter-webs bout Unc'a Cliff getting a little zany with the free agency, but I'm gonna put that in perspective. Show you what crazy assed contracts we DON'T have to deal with in the imediate future.

Vancouver signs RFA forward Kyle Wellwood to a 1 year deal worth $997,500
- Sure, we don't get to make battered fist jokes anymore, but then we won't have too.

Washington signs UFA goaltender Jose Theodore to a 2 year deal worth $9 million
- Thats right, Jose 'Rogain' Theodore at 4.5 million a year...Christ almighty.

Colorado signs UFA goaltender Andrew Raycroft to a 1 year deal worth $800,000
-Saying they get a deal because of the buyout situation is like saying you got some expired salmon on sale at the Price Chopper. Mmmmm Salmon-ella (Booyah!).

Chicago signs UFA defenceman Brian Campbell to an 8 year deal worth $56.8-million
- 7.1 mill a year for a purely offensive defenseman, Kabby is the deal of the century.

New York Rangers sign UFA defenceman Wade Redden to a six-year contract worth $39 million
- Redden sucks as much as he did last year in Ottawa, now going to a worse defensive team in the Rangers and is still gonna pull 5.75 a year. Good for them, they deserve it. Stupid Rangers.

All that and free-agency has all but started. Don't you feel a little better now?
I do.....I think.

Jeff Finger? 14 Mill? Are You FUCKING Kidding Me?