Odd Ends but No End To The Odd

Holy shit...I have a blog.
Remember when I said I was back? Well I mean it this time.
First things first. You may have noticed a not so shocking lack of "game in ten words or less" posts.
There is a reason for that. I hate doing it. It was a good idea that I might bring back next year but the Leafs season thus far has created a burnout of sorts, so no more of that this season *.
Secondly. Fuck the Senators. Bunch of gutless pukes, enjoy your first round exit ya tool bags.
Thirdly .I am loving the play of the youth movement in Toronto. There is still a ton of work to be done and players like Stalberg, Caputi and Hanson REALLY need some seasoning in the AHL. Sure they all show flashes of what might be but now they look like marginal NHLers.
Fourthly. did anyone expect the Leafs to miss Grabbo that much? Since his return they are on a tear. Love that crazy bastard.
Fithly. Seriously, fuck the Senators. Alfredsson is a piece of dog shit.
Sixthly. I am actually enjoying Leaf games again. I am past the whole "oh noes the Bruins might get Hall!" thing and am actually excited to see how the team gels together and grows as a group.
Seventh.....ly. I like soup.

*Offer void If I think of something hilarious or what not.

PS - I don't give a fuck about Tiger Woods, shut up about it
PPS - Fuck the Sens

Crystal Balls

Welp, that decade sucked didn't it Leaf fans?
Sure the turn of the century teams were fair to good but since? Blech.
So what do we have to look forward to in the 10's? Most would say not much, 2 first round picks, Burke's head on a platter blah blah blah.
I however have a different view.
Here are my 10 Positive predictions for the next 10 years of leafs.

10- A return to respectability. The Leafs may not win the cup, but they will be competative. The Leafs will Ice a team for 3-4 straight years who will challenge to go deep.

9- The Leafs will attain a franchise player. I'm talking Sundin 2.o here. A player who will define this organization, be the face of the blue and white and be respected League wide for the type of player he is.

8- A Leaf player will score 50 goals.

7 - A Leaf goaltender will be nominated for the viezna.

6- Brian Burke will live out his full tenure as the Leafs GM, and be remembered fondly when he is gone.

5- The Leafs will make the playoffs at least 7 of the 10 years.

4- Two of the Leafs late round draft picks will become very good NHL players, maybe not Kaberle or Datsyuk good, but better than the average 1st rounder.

3- The Leafs will win the Kessel trade.

2 - Mats Sundin's number will be honoured and will be a first ballot hall of famer.

1- The Leafs will make it to the Stanley cup finals, and will make a series out of it.

Love Actually

This is the first time in a while I can look up and down the Leafs line up and say I like every single player on the roster. I down right love most of these guys, to varying degrees for random and sometimes ridiculous reasons. I thought I might share it with the world in my own little way.

Why I love each Leaf, in 4 words or Less.

Francois Beauchemin - Hits, fights, leads well
Jason Blake - Spinoramas and hamster jokes
Garnet Exelby - Open ice hits rule
Jeff Finger - So Many puns
Jonas Frogren - pop goes the Ruutu
Jonas Gustavsson - MONSTER MONSTER MONSTER MONSTERRRRRR!
Christian Hanson - His dad was cool
Thomas Kaberle - Cross crease pass, unbeleabable
Mike Komiserik - Already hated across Montreal
Nikolai Kuelemin - break out season, watch
Joey Macdonald - Better than Clemenson
Jamal Mayers - fists smell like Oxo
John Mitchell - MOTHER F**K!
Colton Orr - Todd Fedoruk's Face
Alexi Ponikarovski - Antropov Who?
Wayne Premeau - He's not Hoglund
Micheal Grabovski - Minsk Mullet, sliced fruit
Vesa Toskala - so fabulous
Mike VanRyan- Awesome when whole
Rickard Wallin - in red or white
Ian White - Moustachulence
Luke Schenn - impossible to not love
Nazem Kadri - Better than Tavares
Lee Stempniak - Ninjas are awesome
Matt Stajan - rides unicorns
Jiri Tlusty - Not Safe For Work
Tyler Bozak - Great Hockey Name

Best Case Scenario

Hey Y'all, you know what I like? I'm sure you have a general understanding as I tend to be blunt with such things, especially this one, I love me a good list.
Speaking of lists (segwaaaaaaaaay) here's a relevant one!

Things I want to see on draft day/ free agency, with detail

DO

- trade for the 5th over all pick from Atl for Kabby, Stajan/Grabovski/2nd round pick package
- Use 5th over all to draft Schenn 2.0 or Kane (whoever LA doesnt take)
- Use 7th over all to draft Cowen
- Trade Kubby + 3rd rounder to Florida for their 14th over all pick and a prospect
- Use 14th over all pick to draft Ryan Ellis, Zach Kassian or Carter Ashton (who ever is best left)
- Make a big play for Jay Bowmeister (if Kabby goes) for 5.5 mill for 4 years
- Make a play for Bauchemin for 3.75 Mill for 3 years
- Sign Travis Moen for 2-2.5 Mill for 3 years
- Sign the Monster for max allowed salary for 2 years
- Sign Grabovski (if not traded) for a MAXIMUM (and thats pushing it) 3 mill for 3 years.
- resign Pogge for a 2 year contract, remind him this is his last chance.
- put Remier on the Marlies, challange Pogge, dethrone him if necessary

DONT

- trade up for the top 3, will cost way too much
- trade Poni, he will have a break out season
- trade the vesa, he isnt as bad as people say, and his value can only go up
- trade down, there is too much tallent at 7 to let get away
- Make a ploy for Camallari, he will be too expensive
- Persue the Sedins, they may be elite point a game players, but down the road (especially 5+ years) they will be a liability of grandious perportions
- Make a move for Komeserik, douchebags need not apply.
- Give Pogge ANY NHL time (catastrophic injuries to both Leaf goalies excepted) until he earns it
- get off track with the rebuild, no matter what happens, don't rush it. We're building a dynasty here, not a one shot deal.

Token Insanity


CRAZY MONKEY APPLE PANTS!

Intangebles

There has been much talk round yon Barilkosphere about said upcoming draft, who do we want Burkie to go after, who brings the best fit in skill set, what is plausible?
Well I am all about intangibles, so I have examined, studied and spent several minuites coming up with some that you might not have thought about for the top 10 ranked players that may or may not be a Toronto Maple Leaf next month.

10 - Nazem Kadri - He likes big butts, and he cannot lie, who am I to argue with that logic?

9 - Dmitri Kulikov - Has dreams of playing with his idols Kaberle and Kubina on an empty netter six man power play forming the KKK wall!

8- Oliver Ekman-Larsson - Has a running bet with MSP for who will be the greatest player with three names in this draft

7 - Jared Cowen - his insatiable appetite for whole oxen will cure the plauge of them that surround the GTA

6 - Brayden Schenn - Instantly makes Toronto the undisputed sexiest city in the world, take THAT Montreal and Madrid!

5 - M. Svensson-Paajarvi - Has what some call Magnus Sensory Perception (or MSP) which means he has an uncanny ability to sense Magnus'

4 - Evander Kane - He can recite every mighty ducks movie by memory, isn't affraid to bust out the flying V during games, but that loses some of its effect when no one else on the team participates.

3 - Matt Duchene - Because of a mild understanding, he gets everyone of his sticked blessed by a Llama by getting it to spit on the blade. Seems to be working.

2 - Victor Hedman - Knows how to swear at opponents in 7 different languages so he can chirp at anyone, except the French, because he doesnt consider that a proper language.

1 - John Tavares - He looks like Steve Dangle, thats gotta count for something.

Skull Candy

Well my little chickadee's, the NHL season is over. Yeah yeah yeah, I know there is playoffs and all that jazz, but honestly do they matter sans Leafs? Of course not, don't be silly. Nothing that doesn't include Toronto matters, don't you read the papers?
What do we do now? Watch these 'playoffs'? watch one of those lesser sports? play DDR excessively?
Well, for those of you wondering what the BEST options you have at your disposal are, I have compiled a top ten list, I love lists

10 - Stare at a picture of Gary Betman and try to make his eyeballs explode with your mind

9 - watch All Heart over and over and over and over and over and over and over (this goes on for a while)

8 - Try, without success to keep track of all the young prospects Burke signs

7 - Grow a mustache to further your career

6 - Over value the current Leaf roster so your draft day hopes and ridiculous predictions crush your soul.

5- Play NHL 09 ad nausium and hope that your Xbox gets struck by lightening and that Leaf dynasty you built appears on the ACC ice.

4 - Send threats to any GM who drafts a head of the Leafs demanding that they trade their first rounder to Burke or else "you know who" will visit them in the night.

3 - Play DDR excessively

2 - Wear your Leaf gear everywhere just to piss off fans of other teams, respond to their "not in the playoffs" retorts with a paintball gun you have concealed in your TML Snuggie.

1- Fantasize endlessly about Luke Schenn, as if you already weren't

May All The Somethings be Forgotten!

No one knows the words to that damned song anyways.
Without fan fare or a huge write up, here are the Leafs New Years Resolutions.

Jeff Finger - To be More noticeable so the the media can rip on him for his giant salary.
Mike Van Ryan - To look both ways before going near the boards.
Pavel Kubina - Keep his skates sharp and use wooden sticks that don't break all the time.
Thomas Kaberle - Ignore the fact that he has an NTC.(sorry eyebelief)
Ian White - Let the mustache do the talking.
Jamie Sifers - Realize how lucky he is and try not to become the new Herpes.
Luke Schenn - Try and be less perfect, the rest of the Leafs are jelous. And Erase Jason Spezza from existence.
Matt Stajan - To Keep his eye off the ball.
Andre Devaux - work out that right arm so he can finally chuck that over head bomb he so desperately needs.
Jamal Mayers - To punch opponents as hard as he punched the boards.
Lee Stempniak - To do something....anything of merit in a Leafs uniform.
Jason Blake - To go to anger management about his hatred of NHL logos.
Nik Kulemin - To not get discouraged and think, next year is the year.
Mikhail Grabovski- To prove to the world that he is a Caldar Candidate.
Alexi Ponikarovski - To quit smoking and loose 10lbs.
Nik Antropov - To get a tan, so he doesn't get a terrible sunburn when he gets traded to Florida for J-Bo (sorry PPP)
Dominic Moore - To stop attacking players twice his size, and go after Jarkko Ruutu.
John Mitchell - To call his mother at least once a week.
Jeremy Williams - To shoot more, but keep that shooting percentage where it is.
Ryan Hollweg - Memory lessons, so he can remember that numbers are on the back and you shouldn't hit them.
Johnas Frogren - To channel the spirit of both Dany Markov and Erik The Red every game.
Anton Stralman - To realize that he is the next Nik Lidstrom, not the next Aki Berg.
Curtis Joseph - To finally finnish reading Old Yeller, and take a hint.
Vesa Toskala - To realize that if he plays well, he can go back to the sun belt and obscurity.
Ron Wilson - To yell less, and hit more.
Brian Burke - To not be anything resembling JFJ
Cliff Fletcher - To eat more prunes.

Kaber-lul

Because I enjoy lists so much, and there has been much pondering why Thomas of Kaberle isn't playing up to snuff, I give you the top ten reasons Kabby hasn't been himself.

10 - Woznewski left his Kabby voodoo doll in a damp area, and its heart of gold (just like the real Kabby) is getting rusty, slowing him down.

9 - The real Kaberle is in a dimension far far away, This clone he left is reaching the end of its limited lifespan, loosing momentum.

8 - He saw how much money Wade Redden is getting from the Rangers and has been depressed ever since.

7 - He misses Mats, and no amount of ice cream can fill the hole in his heart.

6 - With Kyle Wellwood gone, he has no one to bake his special Czech happy fun time cake for, and has to eat it all himself. Tummy aches plus 20+ minuites a night doesn't equal good play.

5 - Luke Schenn's aura is so distracting he can't focus.

4 - He accidently looked into Matt Stajans eyes during the pre-season, has been lost ever since.

3 - Habs fans have his Pug "Mr Wiggles" held hostage and are blackmailing him into playing poorly. Also Mr. Wiggles is an expert computer programmer and they needed him to set up that All star auto-vote program.

2 - His brother, the lesser Kaberle, keeps calling him every night and whispering "I have a Stanley Cup ring and you don't" which enrages Kabby so much his cheeks get so intensly hot he cannot sleep for fear of burning down his house.

1 - It is all a clever ploy to land the Leafs a solid draft possition, Kabby knows whats best for the team.

Being Brian Burkavich

Hey, did you know that the Leafs just got some dude named Brian Burke as their new GM? I know right? This so came out of nowhere. I hope he knows what he's doing and has some experience. I mean its not like I've had his draft and team building Record smashed over my head for the past few months.

So, Like any normal person, I thought, what players would I pursue if I were put in Brian Burke's shoes? What draft pick would be ideal? Who would remain as veteran Leafership? Who would stay?

Here are my top ten Burke should do's.

1 - Get a top 3 draft pick, through trades or luck of draw (or suck of the team) the Leafs should be determined to land one of Tavares, Hedman or Cowen
2- Get a secondary top ten draft pick, this is a deep draft, go for gusto.
3- Get rid of Ryan Hollweg. Make him a salary dump, a buy out whatever, and give his spot to Devaux
4- Persue either Rick Nash or Kovalchuck (you all know who I want more) with reckless abandon.
5- Save Dustin Tokarski from the Tampa system, attractive female insider information has informed me Tampa has no real intrest in this Gem of a goalie. Its Tampa for crapsake, we should be able to get him for a coke and a smile.
6- Find a suitable goaltender to threaten Toskala for number one, or atleast will be a more ample backup than Cujo and a reasonable price.
7- Lock up Antro
8- Get as many prospects and picks as you can for whatever you can, but ensure you leave one of Kubina or Kaberle on the back end. Their leadership may be needed on the back end.
9- Give Pogge 5 games this year. Near the end (if he is playing well enough to deserve in in the AHL) Give him a taste.
10- Cut off Peddies hands if he tries to stear the good ship Maple Leaf at all. No warnings.

And then I woke up and realized my pillow was gone.

Dirty Laundry

I was at the jersey store today, deciding on what Leaf to get put on my first reebok jersey (Schenn ahead of Grabs turns out) and I noticed that there were a couple jerseys from other teams that a part of me actually considered buying. I know, blasphemy right? But I know some of you out there have considered it so don't string me up yet, wait till the end of the post.

Since lists are fun, I decided to make one.
The Top 10 Jerseys from other teams that I wouldn't mind wearing.

1- An Ovie jersey, no explanation needed.
2- A Wayne Gretzky Oilers Jersey. You cannot deny the awesomeness that was 99 on the Oil (wearing void in Western Canada)
3- A Gordie Howe Whalers Jersey. Whalers = Awesome, Gordie = legend. Jersey = the Bomb.
4- A Steve Yzerman, Dude is the best leader in the history of hockey, screw you Messier.
5- A Joe Sakic Nordiques jersey. Supporting our Hab hating unfortunate team loosing brethren and honoring one of the best players of our time.
6- A Timmu Selanne Jets jersey (see a trend yet?). Arguably the best European player ever, and it pays tribute to my Northern friends in the Peg.
7- A Joe Thornton Sharks Jersey, just to rub it in my Bruins friends faces.
8- A Rick 'Motherfuckin' Nash jersey, so I could rip of the BJ's logo and sew on a Maple Leaf.
9- A Shane Doan Yotes Jersey. I have a mild man crush on Mr Doan.
10- An Alexander Daigle Sens Jersey with #1 on it to rub in in their faces. Just kidding I'd rather have a speeding bus for dinner than pull a trojan over my head.

Note: All other Team jerseys must be worn with a Leaf T-shirt underneath and a Leaf hat on, so everyone knows your real affiliation.

Home Improvement

The Top 5 Ways To make the NHL Better
By someone doped up on back pain medication.

1. Eliminate profite sharing with the exceptions of expansion or recently moved teams for a period of 4 years. Let the weak die.

2. Remove the shootout. This is a team sport, not a side show (thats what the fights are for)

3. Keep fighting, but buckle down on the Chris Simon's and other freak-tards.

4. Abolish no movement clauses, no trade clauses are fine because they give players some bargining room at the table. But if the team really dosn't want you, they shouldn't have to keep you on the roster (said players will still be entitled to their signed contract pay).

5. Remove Gary Betman and replace him with a dried up turnip.

I can see through time!