October 17th, 2009, 7:15AM
The Toronto Maple Leafs are gathered in the dressing room before their game day practice, awaiting Ron Wilson , who is 15 minutes late.
Stajan: I feel a disturbance in the force.
Mitchell: You are such a fuckin' nerd.
Schenn: Ha! Good one Johnny!
Mitchell: Fuck Yea it was.
suddenly a deep bass is heard, starting out far away, but coming ever closer.
Komisarek: Is that DMX?
Beauchemin: who the hell listens to that stuff anymore?
Stajan's face suddenly goes pale, as he remembers.
Stajan: Mother of god....Not again
just then the dressing room door flies open and in pimp-steps Ron Wilson, who is, as the kids say, G'd up from the feet up. An old school boom box blasting 'Party up in here' balancing on his shoulders.
Wilson: Ronniiiiiee Dubb in the hizzoooooouse.
Poni: Oh no CoachRonWilson is tha snoopydogg man again!
Wilson: Das right bitches, puttin this shit on re-wind. Ya'll gonna get a face full of gangsta up in this peice todizzay.
Mayers: I still find this offensive,
Blake: Quiet you cracka ass cracka!
Wilson pimp slaps Blake with authority.
Wilson: You keep talken trash and I'm gonna continue to colourize your albino ass face, ya dig?
Blake:(looking at the ground, dejected) Yes sir.
Beauchemin: What the hell is going on? What is wrong with you coach? I think you've been listening to too much East side boyz.
Wilson: Funny you should mention dizzat, honky. Cause we'z about to have a real n***a roll call up in this peice!
Mayers: I am now VERY offended.
Poni: Why must you hate on Nigeria JamalMayers?
Stajan: This is why no one likes you Poni.
Wilson: QUIET BITCH-ES! Its time for dat roll call, aight? I'm gonna stizzart callen out some Real OG' Leafs who know how to wizzin, they's gonna get all up in your grill and show you da trizzue mizzeaning of trizzuculence.
White: OH GOD NOT AGAIN!
Stajan: Someone hold me!
Wilson opens the door.
Wilson: Yo! Get your gangsta ass's in here y'all!
Wilson changes songs on the boom box to "Where the hood at?"
into the dressing room walk Tie Domi, Doug Gilmour and Luke Schenn walk in the door and stand behind Wilson, putting on the indimidation.
Stajan: Luke? how the hell did.....
Wilson: Shut Up fool! Deez here tough ass mofo's bout to rock your body right!
Hagman: Was that a Backstreet Boys reference?
Mitchell: Fuckin' I dunno, but fuckin' it sounded kinda queer.
Wilson: Oh dats it, you crack'a ass crackas!
Poni: is you talking to me CoachRonWilson?
Wilson: YO, MC CRUNCH, ROCK THIS PARTY!
suddenly the entire rink shakes with the force of an earthquake. Mike VanRyan bursts into flames.
Entire Team: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!!!
Wilson: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH BOOOOOIIIIII!!
Showing posts with label There is something wrong with my brain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label There is something wrong with my brain. Show all posts
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Counter Productive
It had been a while since I'd seen him, and that wasn't a bad thing. But this morning when I got home from work, there he was. Expecting to find an empty apartment and a comfy bed, I found him.
At first, he didn't notice me, nor I him, but I did notice the mess. Dishes, empty bottles and general clutter everywhere. then he came out of the kitchen and I stood face to face with myself.
"Hey jackass!" he said in his all to friendly way "where the hell have you been?" I sighed
"You know where I've been smartass, the draft, camping, you know having a life"
"ah yes, the draft, I saw the pictures, the camera seems to remove 10lbs in your case" he poked at my stomach and I slapped his hand away "Speaking of hockey, what do you make of Mr Burkes first summer as the Leafs GM thusfar?"
"Well the draft was awesome, hooked up with a good crew. I was expecting more movement from Burke and admittedly wanted Cowen, but I couldn't be happier with Kadri, or Burke absolutely owning Murray on national TV"
"He's a bad mother..." he paused, looked at me like I should do something.
"what?" I asked, to tired to deal with this bullshit "never mind, Yeah, Kadri is sick. What about free agency? You think we have enough D yet?"
"God what a log jam. This defense is going to punish the hell out of the opposition. Beachemin will be an instant fan favourite, same with Orr. I still have mixed feelings about Komiserik, he still has Hab Douche stamped on his forhead."
"What about the Kubina trade for Garnet 'smash your face with my elbows' Exelby"
"Another enigma, I can't wait to see him turn some Ottawa Senators into dust, but his reputation for being dirty and taking himself out of position has me woried a might" he snorted at me.
"whats so funny?"
"You are such a girl" he said with a giggle "ok their Jason Spezza"
"Hey! Low blow!" he recoiled, mocking offense.
"besides, I continued, this Defense is already 100% more defensive and potent against the rush than it was last year, what ever happens with the extra bodies, be it trading for picks or prospects, or even moving Kabby for a top 6 forward, in Burke I trust "
"how about Rick Nash?"
"go die in a fire"
At first, he didn't notice me, nor I him, but I did notice the mess. Dishes, empty bottles and general clutter everywhere. then he came out of the kitchen and I stood face to face with myself.
"Hey jackass!" he said in his all to friendly way "where the hell have you been?" I sighed
"You know where I've been smartass, the draft, camping, you know having a life"
"ah yes, the draft, I saw the pictures, the camera seems to remove 10lbs in your case" he poked at my stomach and I slapped his hand away "Speaking of hockey, what do you make of Mr Burkes first summer as the Leafs GM thusfar?"
"Well the draft was awesome, hooked up with a good crew. I was expecting more movement from Burke and admittedly wanted Cowen, but I couldn't be happier with Kadri, or Burke absolutely owning Murray on national TV"
"He's a bad mother..." he paused, looked at me like I should do something.
"what?" I asked, to tired to deal with this bullshit "never mind, Yeah, Kadri is sick. What about free agency? You think we have enough D yet?"
"God what a log jam. This defense is going to punish the hell out of the opposition. Beachemin will be an instant fan favourite, same with Orr. I still have mixed feelings about Komiserik, he still has Hab Douche stamped on his forhead."
"What about the Kubina trade for Garnet 'smash your face with my elbows' Exelby"
"Another enigma, I can't wait to see him turn some Ottawa Senators into dust, but his reputation for being dirty and taking himself out of position has me woried a might" he snorted at me.
"whats so funny?"
"You are such a girl" he said with a giggle "ok their Jason Spezza"
"Hey! Low blow!" he recoiled, mocking offense.
"besides, I continued, this Defense is already 100% more defensive and potent against the rush than it was last year, what ever happens with the extra bodies, be it trading for picks or prospects, or even moving Kabby for a top 6 forward, in Burke I trust "
"how about Rick Nash?"
"go die in a fire"
Monday, May 11, 2009
If You Don't Weigh In, You Don;t Wrastle
A few weeks ago in a alternate dimension, a story inspired by a great post is unfolding. In the late 1990's, Gary Bettman, in an attempt to popularize the NHL in the Southern United states, made an agreement with one Vince McMahon to use a new format for the NHL post season. It was a smash hit in the southern states and quickly became the biggest money maker in the history of professional sports. Enter now, into the 2009 Stanley Cup Rumble.
Hughson : Hi everyone I'm Jim Hughson and welcome to the 2009 Stanley Cup Rumble.
McGuire: AND IM PIERRE MCGUIRE, WE HAVE AN AAAAMAZING RUMBLE LINED UP FOR YOU TONIGHT!
Hughson: Thats right Pierre, these teams have been doing battle all year, jostling for position in the Rumble, but its still up in the air what player each team will choose to represent them.
McGuire: I'M EXCITED!!!
Hughson: Of course you are Pierre, there are going to be some suprises, and here we go.
the lights dim and the crowd starts to cheer loudly. Nothing happens for 30 seconds
Hughson: Seems as though the Islanders are having trouble picking a representative, and wait, we're getting something from the trade floor, it seems that they have traded their first round pick and their spot in the Rumble to...
MUSIC interupts
McGuire: THATS MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI'S MUSIC!!! BRIAN BURKE HAS DONE IT AGAIN
Grabovski runs to the ring and starts bouncing around the ropes like a mad man
Hughson: well this is our first surprise of the night, I'm getting now that Burke has traded Kaberle, the Leafs first round pick in the 09 draft and a shiney peice of metal to the Islanders for there shot at the rumble and the Islanders first round pick, this cant be right.
McGuire: WELL WE'LL HAVE TO SORT THAT OUT LATER, GRABOVSKI'S FIRST OPPONENT IS ABOUT TO COME OUT, LETS SEE WHO THE LIGHTENING PICK!
Hughson: And it looks like it will be....Vincint Lecavalier, no surprise here Pierre, Lecavalier is a feirce competator.
Lecavalier hits the ring and goes right after Grabovski who ducks and scampers out of Lecavaliers reach.
Hughson: Grabovski's speed will serve him well here, but he can't stay away forever.
Lecavalier charges Grabovski again who is by the ropes, he ducks and Lecavalier isnt able to stop in time, he flies over the ropes
McGuire: AND JUST LIKE THAT, TAMPA IS ELIMINATED, LOOKS LIKE LECAVALIER GOT A LITTLE TOO FOCUSED ON GRABOVSKI AND FORGOT WHERE HE WAS. MONSTER MOVE BY THE LITTLE BELERUSSIAN!!!
the 90 seconds expire and Darcy Tucker enters the arena and jogs to the ring
Hughson: This should be interesting, the ex Maple Leaf VS the rookie Maple Leaf
McGuire: WHAT A MONSTER MATCHUP!
Tucker and Grabovski exchange blows but nothing serious is delt. 90 seconds tick by and Dustin Brown who charges the Two smaller men, Grabovski is knocked flat and Tucker launched over the top rope. Brown begins to thump on the smaller Grabovski on the groud.
Hughson: Oh and tough luck for Colorado as Tucker never even saw Brown coming, Grabovski is getting the beating of his life in there against Brown.
After 90 seconds, nothing happens.
Hughson: The Thrashers seem to have forgotten to send someone
Grabovski is bloodied on the ground, Brown doesnt let up
90 more seconds tick by
Hughson: No sign of the Phoenix representative either.
Brown continues to pumble Grabovski for a few seconds then stands up and shoots a confused look towards the entry gate, he turns back to his opponent only to catch a missel drop kick to the chest
McGuire: WHAT A MISTAKE BY BROWN, NEVER TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THE OPPONENT.
Grabovski gives the fallen brown a few elbow drops and climbs to the top rope and jumps at Brown
McGuire : ITS THE FLYING PINE APPLE!!
at the last second Brown rolls over and Grabovski slams into the mat face first.
both players lay on the mat catching their breath
Hughson: I am now getting that both Atlanta and Phoenix are not sending any players out as they are all stuck at the Hamilton airport.
McGuire: THIS IS A CRAZY TURN OF EVENTS, TWO LESS PLAYERS MEANS ITS JUST THAT MUCH EASIER TO WIN THE RUMBLE.
Hughson: and here's where things get interesting, next out is the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Brown gets up and starts walking towards the fallen Grabovski just as the 90 seconds The music
hits and the crown goes nuts
McGuire: ITS LUKE SCHENN, LUKE SCHENN IS HERE!!
Brown just stares awestruck as Schenn strides down the ramp, who seems in no hurry. Behind him Grabovski gets to the top turn buckle and dives at Brown, another Flying Pineapple, but this time is strikes home and Brown is launched out of the ring over the top rope.
Hughson: The presence of Luke Schenn was enough to make Brown forget about Grabovski, I cant say I blame him.
Schenn enters the ring, and highfives the bleeding Grabovski who then goes to the far corner to catch his breath.
90 Seconds, Steve Ott comes out for Dallas, to no music, takes one look at Schenn and stops at the top of the ramp, goes no further and smiles
Hughson: Whats going on here, Ott refuses to come to the ring, but he looks like he has something up his sleeve.
McGuire: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU JIM, THIS IS UNHEARD OF
Suddenly the music hits and Dustin Penner, Chris Neil, Andrew Peters, Derek Boogard and Bryan McCabe all rush the ring.
McGuire: OH MY GOD, THIS IS INSANITY.
Hughson: looks like they have formed some sort of alliance in order to take out this pair of Leafs, Bettman won't like this, I'm sure the representative teams will be pun...no wait, I am hearing that the NHL board is letting this go with a warning.
McGuire: SCHENN AND GRABOVSKI ARE IN FOR ONE HELL OF A FIGHT NOW
Penner and Neil go after Grabovski, who darts away trying to stay out of range while the rest go after Schenn. Schenn charges Peters, who reaches him first, a thundering body check throws Peters back into Boogard who falls and takes out Neil and Penner. Grabovski ducks behind Schenn who squares off against McCabe, suddenly Schenn ducks and Grabovski flyes off the ropes at McCabe and drops him with a missel drop kick. Suddenly though, Boogard, Neil, Penner and Peters untangle themselves and decend on Schenn, they dog pile and pin him in the corner.
McCabe Swats Grabovski off of him and picks the smaller man up.
Hughson: The Leafs are in trouble now, Schenn is overwhelmed and McCabe has Grabovski, looks like he is going for his finnishing move.
McCabe Slams Grabovski to the mat. Hard.
McGuire: CAN-OPENER, GRABOVSKI IS OUT OF IT!
The gaggle of united players start trying to throw a struggling Schenn over the top rope, they arn't having an easy time. McCabe see's this and goes to help. They all struggle, but the added assistance of McCabe seems to be winning out.
Suddenly, Grabovski stirs. He rolls over and gets to his hands and knees. No one notices him. Spitting up blood he gets to his feet. And throws all he has into a charge.....
To be continued.
Hughson : Hi everyone I'm Jim Hughson and welcome to the 2009 Stanley Cup Rumble.
McGuire: AND IM PIERRE MCGUIRE, WE HAVE AN AAAAMAZING RUMBLE LINED UP FOR YOU TONIGHT!
Hughson: Thats right Pierre, these teams have been doing battle all year, jostling for position in the Rumble, but its still up in the air what player each team will choose to represent them.
McGuire: I'M EXCITED!!!
Hughson: Of course you are Pierre, there are going to be some suprises, and here we go.
the lights dim and the crowd starts to cheer loudly. Nothing happens for 30 seconds
Hughson: Seems as though the Islanders are having trouble picking a representative, and wait, we're getting something from the trade floor, it seems that they have traded their first round pick and their spot in the Rumble to...
MUSIC interupts
McGuire: THATS MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI'S MUSIC!!! BRIAN BURKE HAS DONE IT AGAIN
Grabovski runs to the ring and starts bouncing around the ropes like a mad man
Hughson: well this is our first surprise of the night, I'm getting now that Burke has traded Kaberle, the Leafs first round pick in the 09 draft and a shiney peice of metal to the Islanders for there shot at the rumble and the Islanders first round pick, this cant be right.
McGuire: WELL WE'LL HAVE TO SORT THAT OUT LATER, GRABOVSKI'S FIRST OPPONENT IS ABOUT TO COME OUT, LETS SEE WHO THE LIGHTENING PICK!
Hughson: And it looks like it will be....Vincint Lecavalier, no surprise here Pierre, Lecavalier is a feirce competator.
Lecavalier hits the ring and goes right after Grabovski who ducks and scampers out of Lecavaliers reach.
Hughson: Grabovski's speed will serve him well here, but he can't stay away forever.
Lecavalier charges Grabovski again who is by the ropes, he ducks and Lecavalier isnt able to stop in time, he flies over the ropes
McGuire: AND JUST LIKE THAT, TAMPA IS ELIMINATED, LOOKS LIKE LECAVALIER GOT A LITTLE TOO FOCUSED ON GRABOVSKI AND FORGOT WHERE HE WAS. MONSTER MOVE BY THE LITTLE BELERUSSIAN!!!
the 90 seconds expire and Darcy Tucker enters the arena and jogs to the ring
Hughson: This should be interesting, the ex Maple Leaf VS the rookie Maple Leaf
McGuire: WHAT A MONSTER MATCHUP!
Tucker and Grabovski exchange blows but nothing serious is delt. 90 seconds tick by and Dustin Brown who charges the Two smaller men, Grabovski is knocked flat and Tucker launched over the top rope. Brown begins to thump on the smaller Grabovski on the groud.
Hughson: Oh and tough luck for Colorado as Tucker never even saw Brown coming, Grabovski is getting the beating of his life in there against Brown.
After 90 seconds, nothing happens.
Hughson: The Thrashers seem to have forgotten to send someone
Grabovski is bloodied on the ground, Brown doesnt let up
90 more seconds tick by
Hughson: No sign of the Phoenix representative either.
Brown continues to pumble Grabovski for a few seconds then stands up and shoots a confused look towards the entry gate, he turns back to his opponent only to catch a missel drop kick to the chest
McGuire: WHAT A MISTAKE BY BROWN, NEVER TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THE OPPONENT.
Grabovski gives the fallen brown a few elbow drops and climbs to the top rope and jumps at Brown
McGuire : ITS THE FLYING PINE APPLE!!
at the last second Brown rolls over and Grabovski slams into the mat face first.
both players lay on the mat catching their breath
Hughson: I am now getting that both Atlanta and Phoenix are not sending any players out as they are all stuck at the Hamilton airport.
McGuire: THIS IS A CRAZY TURN OF EVENTS, TWO LESS PLAYERS MEANS ITS JUST THAT MUCH EASIER TO WIN THE RUMBLE.
Hughson: and here's where things get interesting, next out is the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Brown gets up and starts walking towards the fallen Grabovski just as the 90 seconds The music
hits and the crown goes nuts
McGuire: ITS LUKE SCHENN, LUKE SCHENN IS HERE!!
Brown just stares awestruck as Schenn strides down the ramp, who seems in no hurry. Behind him Grabovski gets to the top turn buckle and dives at Brown, another Flying Pineapple, but this time is strikes home and Brown is launched out of the ring over the top rope.
Hughson: The presence of Luke Schenn was enough to make Brown forget about Grabovski, I cant say I blame him.
Schenn enters the ring, and highfives the bleeding Grabovski who then goes to the far corner to catch his breath.
90 Seconds, Steve Ott comes out for Dallas, to no music, takes one look at Schenn and stops at the top of the ramp, goes no further and smiles
Hughson: Whats going on here, Ott refuses to come to the ring, but he looks like he has something up his sleeve.
McGuire: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU JIM, THIS IS UNHEARD OF
Suddenly the music hits and Dustin Penner, Chris Neil, Andrew Peters, Derek Boogard and Bryan McCabe all rush the ring.
McGuire: OH MY GOD, THIS IS INSANITY.
Hughson: looks like they have formed some sort of alliance in order to take out this pair of Leafs, Bettman won't like this, I'm sure the representative teams will be pun...no wait, I am hearing that the NHL board is letting this go with a warning.
McGuire: SCHENN AND GRABOVSKI ARE IN FOR ONE HELL OF A FIGHT NOW
Penner and Neil go after Grabovski, who darts away trying to stay out of range while the rest go after Schenn. Schenn charges Peters, who reaches him first, a thundering body check throws Peters back into Boogard who falls and takes out Neil and Penner. Grabovski ducks behind Schenn who squares off against McCabe, suddenly Schenn ducks and Grabovski flyes off the ropes at McCabe and drops him with a missel drop kick. Suddenly though, Boogard, Neil, Penner and Peters untangle themselves and decend on Schenn, they dog pile and pin him in the corner.
McCabe Swats Grabovski off of him and picks the smaller man up.
Hughson: The Leafs are in trouble now, Schenn is overwhelmed and McCabe has Grabovski, looks like he is going for his finnishing move.
McCabe Slams Grabovski to the mat. Hard.
McGuire: CAN-OPENER, GRABOVSKI IS OUT OF IT!
The gaggle of united players start trying to throw a struggling Schenn over the top rope, they arn't having an easy time. McCabe see's this and goes to help. They all struggle, but the added assistance of McCabe seems to be winning out.
Suddenly, Grabovski stirs. He rolls over and gets to his hands and knees. No one notices him. Spitting up blood he gets to his feet. And throws all he has into a charge.....
To be continued.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Insane In The Membrane
I woke up this morning with a headache, and I knew it wasn't going to be a good day. I wandered out to the kitchen, found the pot of coffee was already empty, someone had drank it all. It just keeps getting better and better I thought. Then I heard laughter, coming from the living room, followed by a loud slurp. It could be no one else.
"Hey Buddy!" Myself greeted me as I walked into the living room, cup of coffee in his hand "Top O' the mornin' to ya"
"Whatever" I grumbled, swiping the near full coffee cup from his hand and taking a long haul, almost instantly feeling better.
"what the crap is your malfunction?" Myself questioned "Still sore from last nights loss of our beloved Buds?"
"No, of course not, that is to be expected"
"Bullshit, I saw that look in your eyes, the hope was there, last night was a grim reminder of just how untalented this team is, I just about bought you a pack of crayons"
"Quiet, you coffee stealing free loader, we both know the Leafs could have won if they'd sunk some of those chances. I mean if they had a legit finisher they would.."
"Stop right there Pocahontas, none of that one more peice bullshit, this team needs more than Rick Nash to become a cup contender"
"Rick Nash!"
"I said shut it, your not too bright this morning are you? A blindfolded Helen Keller could see that we are still at least two years away from threatening anyone for a playoff birth let alone a decisive run at Lord Stanley's mug."
"Your pretty negative today aren't you?"
"It's realism you ninny, this team finally has a few youngins' to build around, bringing in a Kovalchuk or a....Nash"
"RICK NASH!!!!"
"yeah... moving on, bringing in a player like that would be wonderful and all, but it won't turn this team into the 1997 Red Wings."
"But what if that player was Wendel Clark?"
"Exception to every rule, you know that"
It was then that I realized myself was the rational one, and that is never a good thing, so I went back to bed.
"Hey Buddy!" Myself greeted me as I walked into the living room, cup of coffee in his hand "Top O' the mornin' to ya"
"Whatever" I grumbled, swiping the near full coffee cup from his hand and taking a long haul, almost instantly feeling better.
"what the crap is your malfunction?" Myself questioned "Still sore from last nights loss of our beloved Buds?"
"No, of course not, that is to be expected"
"Bullshit, I saw that look in your eyes, the hope was there, last night was a grim reminder of just how untalented this team is, I just about bought you a pack of crayons"
"Quiet, you coffee stealing free loader, we both know the Leafs could have won if they'd sunk some of those chances. I mean if they had a legit finisher they would.."
"Stop right there Pocahontas, none of that one more peice bullshit, this team needs more than Rick Nash to become a cup contender"
"Rick Nash!"
"I said shut it, your not too bright this morning are you? A blindfolded Helen Keller could see that we are still at least two years away from threatening anyone for a playoff birth let alone a decisive run at Lord Stanley's mug."
"Your pretty negative today aren't you?"
"It's realism you ninny, this team finally has a few youngins' to build around, bringing in a Kovalchuk or a....Nash"
"RICK NASH!!!!"
"yeah... moving on, bringing in a player like that would be wonderful and all, but it won't turn this team into the 1997 Red Wings."
"But what if that player was Wendel Clark?"
"Exception to every rule, you know that"
It was then that I realized myself was the rational one, and that is never a good thing, so I went back to bed.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Hip-Hop-Hurray
Monday, October 6th, 2008.
The Toronto Maple Leafs gather in their dressing room before an early morning practice.
Stajan: Hey, where the hell is Mark?
Poni: I do not know comrade, he say he coming over for pizza and sleep-over party last night, but he not come, Jason Blake even make him smores.
Blake: I wish you would stop addressing me by by full name.
Poni: Who is you?
Suddenly the chatter stops as a deep bass sound is heard, coming towards the room. The door swings open and in steps Ron Wilson carrying a boom box over his shoulder B-Boy style. DMX's Ruff Ryder Anthem Blaring from the speakers. Wilson is wearing his regular suit, but a huge gold chain with a massive Diamond encrusted Blue Maple Leaf dangling from it. He also sports two five finger rings with the words "Maple" and "Leafs" embossed on them with jewels and a pair of ridiculous Kanye West style sunglasses. He sets the boom box down and turns down the tunes so he can speak over them.
Wilson: Wassup bitches??
The team is shocked silent.
Wilson: I said wassup, you wack ass fools, don't y'all know you aught'a address yo coach when he axes you a quizzestion?
Poni raises his hand
Wilson: Talk to me P.
Poni: Uh, coach, confused we is. Why you suddenly all shiny and talking like the big snoopy dogg?
Wilson: Thats simple you crack'a ass crack'a. I'm trying to inject a lil thug life up in y'all grillz.
He smiles revealing an over the top grill in his mouth with TML in diamonds on it.
Wilson: I gots dis fly brain wave last night after that crizzash and bizzurn y'all had last night. If we gonna get round to hangen' on to them two G leads, we gotta be bang' and hang'n tough. And what is mo bangin' than black hip hop culture? We gonna get our crunk on, West coast style!
Mayers: I find this offensive.
Wilson: Quiet honky.
Haggman: Was that a New kids reference?
Steen: Do you even know what half the stuff you are saying means?
Wilson: I know that y'all is a bunch'a bustas, and I need y'all to be rollin' like OG's.
Tlusty: Oppressive Gonorrhea?
Wilson: Wha?...No! Remind me to bitch slap your ass late'a fool.
Antro: You may not want to do that Commerade, catch some interwebs cooties you might, Lenin knows where he has been.
Wilson:Ya'll is wack as can be. So to show you how OGs get down, I went and scooped me a hard core OG from the block, this bad ass mofo is straight up loco and he's gonna show you fools how to get down and dirty on tha ice. Fo Shizz.
Wilson opens the door again and calls out.
Wilson: Yo, MC Crunch, time to break these honkys off a lil somethin' somethin'.
Not a second later a large section of the wall of the dressing room literally disintegrates and Wendel Clark steps through the hole cracking his knuckles
Wendel: It's time to rain pain and hail hurt, bitches!
The room explodes in panicked motion as everyone scurries for cover.
White: SQUEEEEEEL!
Steen: PLEASE DON'T PUNCH OUT MY BLOOD, I NEED THAT FOR CIRCULATING OXYGEN TO MY VITAL ORGANS!
Poni: I HATE YOU SNOOPY DOGG!
Carlo: AUGH! HIS VOICE SHATTERED MY TIBIA, HELP!
Wilson smiles and cranks the tunes and raises the roof as the entire Leaf squad scampers around in circles trying to avoid Wendel, who is having too much fun scaring them to do any damage, except for Carlo, whose bones shatter every time Wendel utters a word. Eventually the team manages to find the door and run out, Wendel hot on their heals.
Wilson: YEEEEAH BOOOOIIIII!
The Toronto Maple Leafs gather in their dressing room before an early morning practice.
Stajan: Hey, where the hell is Mark?
Poni: I do not know comrade, he say he coming over for pizza and sleep-over party last night, but he not come, Jason Blake even make him smores.
Blake: I wish you would stop addressing me by by full name.
Poni: Who is you?
Suddenly the chatter stops as a deep bass sound is heard, coming towards the room. The door swings open and in steps Ron Wilson carrying a boom box over his shoulder B-Boy style. DMX's Ruff Ryder Anthem Blaring from the speakers. Wilson is wearing his regular suit, but a huge gold chain with a massive Diamond encrusted Blue Maple Leaf dangling from it. He also sports two five finger rings with the words "Maple" and "Leafs" embossed on them with jewels and a pair of ridiculous Kanye West style sunglasses. He sets the boom box down and turns down the tunes so he can speak over them.
Wilson: Wassup bitches??
The team is shocked silent.
Wilson: I said wassup, you wack ass fools, don't y'all know you aught'a address yo coach when he axes you a quizzestion?
Poni raises his hand
Wilson: Talk to me P.
Poni: Uh, coach, confused we is. Why you suddenly all shiny and talking like the big snoopy dogg?
Wilson: Thats simple you crack'a ass crack'a. I'm trying to inject a lil thug life up in y'all grillz.
He smiles revealing an over the top grill in his mouth with TML in diamonds on it.
Wilson: I gots dis fly brain wave last night after that crizzash and bizzurn y'all had last night. If we gonna get round to hangen' on to them two G leads, we gotta be bang' and hang'n tough. And what is mo bangin' than black hip hop culture? We gonna get our crunk on, West coast style!
Mayers: I find this offensive.
Wilson: Quiet honky.
Haggman: Was that a New kids reference?
Steen: Do you even know what half the stuff you are saying means?
Wilson: I know that y'all is a bunch'a bustas, and I need y'all to be rollin' like OG's.
Tlusty: Oppressive Gonorrhea?
Wilson: Wha?...No! Remind me to bitch slap your ass late'a fool.
Antro: You may not want to do that Commerade, catch some interwebs cooties you might, Lenin knows where he has been.
Wilson:Ya'll is wack as can be. So to show you how OGs get down, I went and scooped me a hard core OG from the block, this bad ass mofo is straight up loco and he's gonna show you fools how to get down and dirty on tha ice. Fo Shizz.
Wilson opens the door again and calls out.
Wilson: Yo, MC Crunch, time to break these honkys off a lil somethin' somethin'.
Not a second later a large section of the wall of the dressing room literally disintegrates and Wendel Clark steps through the hole cracking his knuckles
Wendel: It's time to rain pain and hail hurt, bitches!
The room explodes in panicked motion as everyone scurries for cover.
White: SQUEEEEEEL!
Steen: PLEASE DON'T PUNCH OUT MY BLOOD, I NEED THAT FOR CIRCULATING OXYGEN TO MY VITAL ORGANS!
Poni: I HATE YOU SNOOPY DOGG!
Carlo: AUGH! HIS VOICE SHATTERED MY TIBIA, HELP!
Wilson smiles and cranks the tunes and raises the roof as the entire Leaf squad scampers around in circles trying to avoid Wendel, who is having too much fun scaring them to do any damage, except for Carlo, whose bones shatter every time Wendel utters a word. Eventually the team manages to find the door and run out, Wendel hot on their heals.
Wilson: YEEEEAH BOOOOIIIII!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Follicle Thoughts
I love getting my hair cut, I really do. Sitting in that chair is just so relaxing. I usually go into a trance of sorts, deep thoughts and all that jazz. I think about everything, from theoretical physics to hockey. Which brings me here today (well that and the cheesecake). Today during my monthly hair removal, I had some interesting revelations that I thought you might like to share in. And here they are in no particular order or context.
Un'ca Cliff is a genious. No bones about it, he played McCabe perfectly and I think he's doing the right thing with Sundin. Straight up heres what we'll give you, heres what we're doing with the team, we want you back but no pressure, have a good summer fishing and driving Volvos. I honestly thing it will work out. Jeff Finger figures (heh, Finger Figures) aside, his signings have all been smart. A surplus of Grit and defensivly minded players is never a bad thing. The Leafs don't have the guns to be a huge scoring machine, so they will become a shutdown machine.
Mark Bell is a perfect fit for this Leaf team. He is big, willing to play physical and what he has shown thus far in the Blue and White is that he is willing to sacrifice himself for the team. You have to respect that. He, like the Leafs is going through a rebuilding phase and I really think as this team grows, so will he. I don't ever expect him to regain his offensive skills that he showed in Chicago, but he has the blue print of someone who will do whatever he can to win, and carry the team on his shoulders to do it.
Once bread becomes toast, it can never go back.
If the Leafs name a Capitan (other than Mats) it should be Thomas Kaberle. If anything for his devotion and exceptional play for this team. Kabby may not be a powerful voice in the dressing room, but he leads by example on the ice. It would also show him the loyalty he deserves from this organization and show the rest of that their hard work will be rewarded.
Peddie is up to something. First bringing in Un'ca Cliff and giving him free reign, and then Wilson who is EXACTLY the coach that can make the parts this team has work as a machine. I don't like it.
I would trade Ian White for a cheeseburger, or a chicken sammich.....Is KFC still open?
My favourite move of the Leafs this off season (other than Shenn, natch) is snagging Curtis Joseph from the jaws of obscurity. It's win win for all parties involved. Cujo gets to prove himself to us again that he is worth our love. The MLSE gets a cheap, veteran goalie who can plug the holes and probably wont complain for a trade. The fans get to see that bitchen' Cujo mask painted in Blue and White, the way it should be. And Vesa gets one of the better goalies of all time to mentor him and a solid backup he can depend on if he needs a break.
I want Mats back, for if no reason than to give him a proper goodbye at the end of the year, he deserves the half hour long standing ovation he would get.
Heh...boobies...heh.
I like Mat Stajan better than Alex Steen, I don't know why. Toronto sports writters have spoiled my brain. I know Steen is better, and has more potential. But...Stajan is just so....something?
Ooo shiny scissors.
Shiny.......
Un'ca Cliff is a genious. No bones about it, he played McCabe perfectly and I think he's doing the right thing with Sundin. Straight up heres what we'll give you, heres what we're doing with the team, we want you back but no pressure, have a good summer fishing and driving Volvos. I honestly thing it will work out. Jeff Finger figures (heh, Finger Figures) aside, his signings have all been smart. A surplus of Grit and defensivly minded players is never a bad thing. The Leafs don't have the guns to be a huge scoring machine, so they will become a shutdown machine.
Mark Bell is a perfect fit for this Leaf team. He is big, willing to play physical and what he has shown thus far in the Blue and White is that he is willing to sacrifice himself for the team. You have to respect that. He, like the Leafs is going through a rebuilding phase and I really think as this team grows, so will he. I don't ever expect him to regain his offensive skills that he showed in Chicago, but he has the blue print of someone who will do whatever he can to win, and carry the team on his shoulders to do it.
Once bread becomes toast, it can never go back.
If the Leafs name a Capitan (other than Mats) it should be Thomas Kaberle. If anything for his devotion and exceptional play for this team. Kabby may not be a powerful voice in the dressing room, but he leads by example on the ice. It would also show him the loyalty he deserves from this organization and show the rest of that their hard work will be rewarded.
Peddie is up to something. First bringing in Un'ca Cliff and giving him free reign, and then Wilson who is EXACTLY the coach that can make the parts this team has work as a machine. I don't like it.
I would trade Ian White for a cheeseburger, or a chicken sammich.....Is KFC still open?
My favourite move of the Leafs this off season (other than Shenn, natch) is snagging Curtis Joseph from the jaws of obscurity. It's win win for all parties involved. Cujo gets to prove himself to us again that he is worth our love. The MLSE gets a cheap, veteran goalie who can plug the holes and probably wont complain for a trade. The fans get to see that bitchen' Cujo mask painted in Blue and White, the way it should be. And Vesa gets one of the better goalies of all time to mentor him and a solid backup he can depend on if he needs a break.
I want Mats back, for if no reason than to give him a proper goodbye at the end of the year, he deserves the half hour long standing ovation he would get.
Heh...boobies...heh.
I like Mat Stajan better than Alex Steen, I don't know why. Toronto sports writters have spoiled my brain. I know Steen is better, and has more potential. But...Stajan is just so....something?
Ooo shiny scissors.
Shiny.......
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
They're Comming To Take Me Away, Ha-ha
I sat down at work last night on my break and did some thinkin'. I asked myself between bites of leftover Panzeroti and slugs from my flask"Self, what the hell kind of team is Un'ca Cliff trying to build here" and at first, I couldn't answer myself. So myself stared at me with wonder in my eyes while I thought.
"Well" I said to myself, trying to stall for time. "Lets take a look at what he's done so far". Myself nodded and we went over the list of additions. First we discussed how Cliff went after leadership and toughness with the Jamal Mayers pickup. Then about how he is solidifying the rear end with rock hard stay at home defensive types by trading up to Draft Shenn and pulling Colorado's Finger. The pattern then became more muddy when we talked about going for speed up front with the signings of Grab-ass and Hag-ass. Myself and I soon became a little frustrated when we talked about him jumping back on the physical defense train with the Frog and then back again to the 'tough' angle with our most recent pick up in Hollwigger.
"Wow" Myself exlaimed to me "Cliff is more all over the map than Micheal J. Fox playing risk" I shot myself a look for being insensitive to the 80's mega-stars plight. "what?" he asked, oblivious idiot.
"Well" I said to myself. "I just think Cliff is trying to do everything he can to get the wheels back on the cart. He said that the dressing room was going to look much different come next season and he hasn't gone back on that"
"But what the hell is he gonna do with all these bodies? The Leafs have more extra men than a Village people music video"
"true" I said, ignoring the ignorant comment "but maybe he is just building up a surplus for when he ditches Bell, or McCabe or Kubina. Hell, he may even be saying in a round about way to the Leafs that if they don't want to play well, that they have plenty of bodies to fill the holes while you sit in the press box"
"Hmmmm, that actually makes a modicum of sense" Myself seemed pleased with this answer, and so was I. Especially since it would mean he would shut the hell up and let me eat my dinner.
"You gonna finish that Panzoroti?"
Man, myself is a dumb ass.
"Well" I said to myself, trying to stall for time. "Lets take a look at what he's done so far". Myself nodded and we went over the list of additions. First we discussed how Cliff went after leadership and toughness with the Jamal Mayers pickup. Then about how he is solidifying the rear end with rock hard stay at home defensive types by trading up to Draft Shenn and pulling Colorado's Finger. The pattern then became more muddy when we talked about going for speed up front with the signings of Grab-ass and Hag-ass. Myself and I soon became a little frustrated when we talked about him jumping back on the physical defense train with the Frog and then back again to the 'tough' angle with our most recent pick up in Hollwigger.
"Wow" Myself exlaimed to me "Cliff is more all over the map than Micheal J. Fox playing risk" I shot myself a look for being insensitive to the 80's mega-stars plight. "what?" he asked, oblivious idiot.
"Well" I said to myself. "I just think Cliff is trying to do everything he can to get the wheels back on the cart. He said that the dressing room was going to look much different come next season and he hasn't gone back on that"
"But what the hell is he gonna do with all these bodies? The Leafs have more extra men than a Village people music video"
"true" I said, ignoring the ignorant comment "but maybe he is just building up a surplus for when he ditches Bell, or McCabe or Kubina. Hell, he may even be saying in a round about way to the Leafs that if they don't want to play well, that they have plenty of bodies to fill the holes while you sit in the press box"
"Hmmmm, that actually makes a modicum of sense" Myself seemed pleased with this answer, and so was I. Especially since it would mean he would shut the hell up and let me eat my dinner.
"You gonna finish that Panzoroti?"
Man, myself is a dumb ass.
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