It was their last real cup run
Down at the MLG
Unstoppable till Gilmour bled
It was the spring of 1993
Burns, man, that guy was cool
Had a team that only worked hard
Wendel fought, Probert got burried
Felix Potvin was a goaltending star
Oh when I youtube now
That Spring, it seemed to last forever
And it isnt even a choice
Ya - Id always wanna be there
Those were the games days of my life
Aint no use in complainin
When you got cheering to do
Watchen the Buds on Television
With beer and comfort food
Standin on the blue line
I wanted Dougie here forever
Oh and when you light the lamp
We that it was now or never
Those were the best games of my life
Back in the spring of 93
Wendel was killin teams
The Leafs were young and relentless
Our hope could not be defined
Fraser will burn forever - forever, yea
And now the team is a changin
Look at everyone thats come and gone
I often think of this original six team
I think about how we were wronged
Standin on the blue line
Wendel will rule forever
Oh the way you'd light that lamp
We knew that it was now or never
Those were the games days of my life
Back in the spring of 93
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Hip-Hop-Hurray
Monday, October 6th, 2008.
The Toronto Maple Leafs gather in their dressing room before an early morning practice.
Stajan: Hey, where the hell is Mark?
Poni: I do not know comrade, he say he coming over for pizza and sleep-over party last night, but he not come, Jason Blake even make him smores.
Blake: I wish you would stop addressing me by by full name.
Poni: Who is you?
Suddenly the chatter stops as a deep bass sound is heard, coming towards the room. The door swings open and in steps Ron Wilson carrying a boom box over his shoulder B-Boy style. DMX's Ruff Ryder Anthem Blaring from the speakers. Wilson is wearing his regular suit, but a huge gold chain with a massive Diamond encrusted Blue Maple Leaf dangling from it. He also sports two five finger rings with the words "Maple" and "Leafs" embossed on them with jewels and a pair of ridiculous Kanye West style sunglasses. He sets the boom box down and turns down the tunes so he can speak over them.
Wilson: Wassup bitches??
The team is shocked silent.
Wilson: I said wassup, you wack ass fools, don't y'all know you aught'a address yo coach when he axes you a quizzestion?
Poni raises his hand
Wilson: Talk to me P.
Poni: Uh, coach, confused we is. Why you suddenly all shiny and talking like the big snoopy dogg?
Wilson: Thats simple you crack'a ass crack'a. I'm trying to inject a lil thug life up in y'all grillz.
He smiles revealing an over the top grill in his mouth with TML in diamonds on it.
Wilson: I gots dis fly brain wave last night after that crizzash and bizzurn y'all had last night. If we gonna get round to hangen' on to them two G leads, we gotta be bang' and hang'n tough. And what is mo bangin' than black hip hop culture? We gonna get our crunk on, West coast style!
Mayers: I find this offensive.
Wilson: Quiet honky.
Haggman: Was that a New kids reference?
Steen: Do you even know what half the stuff you are saying means?
Wilson: I know that y'all is a bunch'a bustas, and I need y'all to be rollin' like OG's.
Tlusty: Oppressive Gonorrhea?
Wilson: Wha?...No! Remind me to bitch slap your ass late'a fool.
Antro: You may not want to do that Commerade, catch some interwebs cooties you might, Lenin knows where he has been.
Wilson:Ya'll is wack as can be. So to show you how OGs get down, I went and scooped me a hard core OG from the block, this bad ass mofo is straight up loco and he's gonna show you fools how to get down and dirty on tha ice. Fo Shizz.
Wilson opens the door again and calls out.
Wilson: Yo, MC Crunch, time to break these honkys off a lil somethin' somethin'.
Not a second later a large section of the wall of the dressing room literally disintegrates and Wendel Clark steps through the hole cracking his knuckles
Wendel: It's time to rain pain and hail hurt, bitches!
The room explodes in panicked motion as everyone scurries for cover.
White: SQUEEEEEEL!
Steen: PLEASE DON'T PUNCH OUT MY BLOOD, I NEED THAT FOR CIRCULATING OXYGEN TO MY VITAL ORGANS!
Poni: I HATE YOU SNOOPY DOGG!
Carlo: AUGH! HIS VOICE SHATTERED MY TIBIA, HELP!
Wilson smiles and cranks the tunes and raises the roof as the entire Leaf squad scampers around in circles trying to avoid Wendel, who is having too much fun scaring them to do any damage, except for Carlo, whose bones shatter every time Wendel utters a word. Eventually the team manages to find the door and run out, Wendel hot on their heals.
Wilson: YEEEEAH BOOOOIIIII!
The Toronto Maple Leafs gather in their dressing room before an early morning practice.
Stajan: Hey, where the hell is Mark?
Poni: I do not know comrade, he say he coming over for pizza and sleep-over party last night, but he not come, Jason Blake even make him smores.
Blake: I wish you would stop addressing me by by full name.
Poni: Who is you?
Suddenly the chatter stops as a deep bass sound is heard, coming towards the room. The door swings open and in steps Ron Wilson carrying a boom box over his shoulder B-Boy style. DMX's Ruff Ryder Anthem Blaring from the speakers. Wilson is wearing his regular suit, but a huge gold chain with a massive Diamond encrusted Blue Maple Leaf dangling from it. He also sports two five finger rings with the words "Maple" and "Leafs" embossed on them with jewels and a pair of ridiculous Kanye West style sunglasses. He sets the boom box down and turns down the tunes so he can speak over them.
Wilson: Wassup bitches??
The team is shocked silent.
Wilson: I said wassup, you wack ass fools, don't y'all know you aught'a address yo coach when he axes you a quizzestion?
Poni raises his hand
Wilson: Talk to me P.
Poni: Uh, coach, confused we is. Why you suddenly all shiny and talking like the big snoopy dogg?
Wilson: Thats simple you crack'a ass crack'a. I'm trying to inject a lil thug life up in y'all grillz.
He smiles revealing an over the top grill in his mouth with TML in diamonds on it.
Wilson: I gots dis fly brain wave last night after that crizzash and bizzurn y'all had last night. If we gonna get round to hangen' on to them two G leads, we gotta be bang' and hang'n tough. And what is mo bangin' than black hip hop culture? We gonna get our crunk on, West coast style!
Mayers: I find this offensive.
Wilson: Quiet honky.
Haggman: Was that a New kids reference?
Steen: Do you even know what half the stuff you are saying means?
Wilson: I know that y'all is a bunch'a bustas, and I need y'all to be rollin' like OG's.
Tlusty: Oppressive Gonorrhea?
Wilson: Wha?...No! Remind me to bitch slap your ass late'a fool.
Antro: You may not want to do that Commerade, catch some interwebs cooties you might, Lenin knows where he has been.
Wilson:Ya'll is wack as can be. So to show you how OGs get down, I went and scooped me a hard core OG from the block, this bad ass mofo is straight up loco and he's gonna show you fools how to get down and dirty on tha ice. Fo Shizz.
Wilson opens the door again and calls out.
Wilson: Yo, MC Crunch, time to break these honkys off a lil somethin' somethin'.
Not a second later a large section of the wall of the dressing room literally disintegrates and Wendel Clark steps through the hole cracking his knuckles
Wendel: It's time to rain pain and hail hurt, bitches!
The room explodes in panicked motion as everyone scurries for cover.
White: SQUEEEEEEL!
Steen: PLEASE DON'T PUNCH OUT MY BLOOD, I NEED THAT FOR CIRCULATING OXYGEN TO MY VITAL ORGANS!
Poni: I HATE YOU SNOOPY DOGG!
Carlo: AUGH! HIS VOICE SHATTERED MY TIBIA, HELP!
Wilson smiles and cranks the tunes and raises the roof as the entire Leaf squad scampers around in circles trying to avoid Wendel, who is having too much fun scaring them to do any damage, except for Carlo, whose bones shatter every time Wendel utters a word. Eventually the team manages to find the door and run out, Wendel hot on their heals.
Wilson: YEEEEAH BOOOOIIIII!
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sing Loud, Sing Proud
There really is too much to love about watching an NHL Hockey game in Canada, live or on TV.
There is always a team playing that you an either throw all your love behind (see Maple Leafs, Toronto) or a team that you can try and hate to death the entire game (see Else, Everyone).
One of my favourite parts of the game, has little to do with hockey itself. The anthems. I love them. Except for on the rare occasion some shitty celebrity, or friend of Johnny the zamboni driver is handed the microphone and they manage to butcher our national pride of course.
But when done properly the anthems are an amazing thing, especially when you get both the American and Canadian anthems back to back (Canadian last, of course).
Nothing, but NOTHING, makes me happier and more proud to be a Canadian than hearing the words "God keep our land, Glorious and free" as the crowd swells into cheers and sings loudly along before the clincher of "Oh Canada, we stand on guard for thee" is belted out and it sounds like the whole country is either cheering or singing along".
It always gives me the shivers, and then hockey is on and we get to hear Bob Cole say his most ridiculous line of the night in introducing the goaltenders (this evenings masochists of the mesh mortuaries are..).
Good times, good times.
There is always a team playing that you an either throw all your love behind (see Maple Leafs, Toronto) or a team that you can try and hate to death the entire game (see Else, Everyone).
One of my favourite parts of the game, has little to do with hockey itself. The anthems. I love them. Except for on the rare occasion some shitty celebrity, or friend of Johnny the zamboni driver is handed the microphone and they manage to butcher our national pride of course.
But when done properly the anthems are an amazing thing, especially when you get both the American and Canadian anthems back to back (Canadian last, of course).
Nothing, but NOTHING, makes me happier and more proud to be a Canadian than hearing the words "God keep our land, Glorious and free" as the crowd swells into cheers and sings loudly along before the clincher of "Oh Canada, we stand on guard for thee" is belted out and it sounds like the whole country is either cheering or singing along".
It always gives me the shivers, and then hockey is on and we get to hear Bob Cole say his most ridiculous line of the night in introducing the goaltenders (this evenings masochists of the mesh mortuaries are..).
Good times, good times.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Putting Things In Perspective
I've heard a lot of bitc...I mean complaining about how the pre-season isn't real hockey, its too long it makes my butt look big in these pants, whatever.
Let me put it in perspective for you haters out there.
It's about 10 zillion times better than the offseason.
Let me put it in perspective for you haters out there.
It's about 10 zillion times better than the offseason.
Monday, September 15, 2008
We Can Rebuild Them, Stronger...Faster...Less Offensively Dangerous
If you've been keeping track of what is happening to the line up of yonder Maple Leafs, you may have noticed a few changes in said locker room. But for ever face that has left, there is a fresh new mug for us to get acquainted with, a tit for tat if you will. Except there are no tits....Unless you count the MLSE.
These are the replacements.
The Original - Wade Belak
The Replacement - Jamal Mayers
For Better or for worse? Mayers is probably a better leader, and can actually put up a point or two, it is up in the air on who is a better fighter, but Mayers will never be able to make love to a camera like Wade.
The Original - Darcy Tucker
The Replacement - Ryan Hollweg
For Better of for worse? Hollweg is a tough, but semi dirty pest who is known for taking bad penalties. He will never be able to fill Tuckers water glass let alone replace him.
The Original - Kyle Wellwood
The Replacement - Michael Grabowski
For Better or for worse? Another smallish offensively gifted speedster with all the potential in the world? Dear god keep him away from Kirspy Kream.
The Original - Hall Gill
The Replacement - Jonas Frogden
For Better or for worse? The Frog seems to be willing to punish bitches with his size in where Hall would just use his massive wingspan as a roadblock. Experience is what worries me....well that and spiders.
The Original - Bryan McCabe
The Replacement - Mike VanRyan
For Better or for worse? VanRyan doesn't make me want to puke.
The Original - Andrew Raycroft
The Replacement - Curtis Joseph
For Better or for Worse? Cujo could be 20 years older, blind in both eyes and have a peg leg and still be a better back up than Raycroft. And we'd have a pirate on our team.
/scurvy dog joke.
The Origional - Mats Sundin
The Replacement - Keanu Reaves
For better or for worse? With the help of Gene Hackman and a plucky cheerleader who actually knows more about hockey than any GM or Coach in the NHL, Keanu will single handedly unite this team of misfits and transform them into an odd defying underdog story with hilarious antics and memorable speeches about!
These are the replacements.
The Original - Wade Belak
The Replacement - Jamal Mayers
For Better or for worse? Mayers is probably a better leader, and can actually put up a point or two, it is up in the air on who is a better fighter, but Mayers will never be able to make love to a camera like Wade.
The Original - Darcy Tucker
The Replacement - Ryan Hollweg
For Better of for worse? Hollweg is a tough, but semi dirty pest who is known for taking bad penalties. He will never be able to fill Tuckers water glass let alone replace him.
The Original - Kyle Wellwood
The Replacement - Michael Grabowski
For Better or for worse? Another smallish offensively gifted speedster with all the potential in the world? Dear god keep him away from Kirspy Kream.
The Original - Hall Gill
The Replacement - Jonas Frogden
For Better or for worse? The Frog seems to be willing to punish bitches with his size in where Hall would just use his massive wingspan as a roadblock. Experience is what worries me....well that and spiders.
The Original - Bryan McCabe
The Replacement - Mike VanRyan
For Better or for worse? VanRyan doesn't make me want to puke.
The Original - Andrew Raycroft
The Replacement - Curtis Joseph
For Better or for Worse? Cujo could be 20 years older, blind in both eyes and have a peg leg and still be a better back up than Raycroft. And we'd have a pirate on our team.
/scurvy dog joke.
The Origional - Mats Sundin
The Replacement - Keanu Reaves
For better or for worse? With the help of Gene Hackman and a plucky cheerleader who actually knows more about hockey than any GM or Coach in the NHL, Keanu will single handedly unite this team of misfits and transform them into an odd defying underdog story with hilarious antics and memorable speeches about!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Walk The Line
Hey look, I'm not dead! An odd combination of laziness and busyness have kept me from postyness. I was gonna do a rant, or something else. But I have decided that I am going to do something that is utterly pointless and predict the Leafs opening line ups for this season.
This is an exercise in futility and I know it. The roster is far from cemented and there are about eleventy billion question marks.
And thats why I'm doing it.....for the children, won't someone think of the children?
Starting line up
Blake - Antro - Pony
Is this the best possible line up? I doubt it, but I think Wilson will try to get the Antropony chemistry going, and give Blake a chance to find his top circle wrister groove again.
Second line
Grabowski - Steen - Tlusty
Youth and speed, this line will rule if they get chemestry going....and Grabowski doesn't suck.
Third line
Haggas - Stajan- Kulmenin
To ease Kulmenin into the NHL he'll get limited ice, hopefully he proves he is worthy of higher billing
Fourth - Checking Line
Mayers- Bell - Hollwigger
This line would be hella tough to play against.
First Defense Pairing
Kaberle - Kubina
No brainer
Second Defensive Pairing
Stralman - Finger (insert Pun)
Give the kid some good ice time, and let Finger attempt to prove his worth
Third Defensive Pairing
VanRyan - Carlo
brittle defense men FTW!
Floater
Boyce and White will share this, until Fletcher can unload White on Florida for draft picks.
Goalers
Starter
The Tosk
Doy!
Backup - doorman
Cujo
too bad we wont get to see much of that awesome mask.
Patsy
Leaf fans who still have a shred of hope that we wont suck so bad as to get laughed at my Lightning fans, but still secretly hope we tank bad enough to snag Tavares, but does it really matter because we won't be able to score tickets anyways.
This is an exercise in futility and I know it. The roster is far from cemented and there are about eleventy billion question marks.
And thats why I'm doing it.....for the children, won't someone think of the children?
Starting line up
Blake - Antro - Pony
Is this the best possible line up? I doubt it, but I think Wilson will try to get the Antropony chemistry going, and give Blake a chance to find his top circle wrister groove again.
Second line
Grabowski - Steen - Tlusty
Youth and speed, this line will rule if they get chemestry going....and Grabowski doesn't suck.
Third line
Haggas - Stajan- Kulmenin
To ease Kulmenin into the NHL he'll get limited ice, hopefully he proves he is worthy of higher billing
Fourth - Checking Line
Mayers- Bell - Hollwigger
This line would be hella tough to play against.
First Defense Pairing
Kaberle - Kubina
No brainer
Second Defensive Pairing
Stralman - Finger (insert Pun)
Give the kid some good ice time, and let Finger attempt to prove his worth
Third Defensive Pairing
VanRyan - Carlo
brittle defense men FTW!
Floater
Boyce and White will share this, until Fletcher can unload White on Florida for draft picks.
Goalers
Starter
The Tosk
Doy!
Backup - doorman
Cujo
too bad we wont get to see much of that awesome mask.
Patsy
Leaf fans who still have a shred of hope that we wont suck so bad as to get laughed at my Lightning fans, but still secretly hope we tank bad enough to snag Tavares, but does it really matter because we won't be able to score tickets anyways.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
It Is Official
With the finalization of the McCabe to Florida deal it has finally become official. I have mystical magical super like powers.
Through the vessel that is this blog I have preformed amazing miracles, time and time again proving my amazing abilities.
The Open Letter is to be feared. For those of you not up to date. Every single person I have written an open letter to has been removed from the Toronto Maple Leafs in some way shape or form.
So now I have to make a decision, should I use these amazing demi-god like powers for good or evil?
Probably evil.....
I give new meaning to the words 'Dear John Letter'
Who should feel my wrath next? I have yet to decide....
Mine is an evil laugh.
Through the vessel that is this blog I have preformed amazing miracles, time and time again proving my amazing abilities.
The Open Letter is to be feared. For those of you not up to date. Every single person I have written an open letter to has been removed from the Toronto Maple Leafs in some way shape or form.
So now I have to make a decision, should I use these amazing demi-god like powers for good or evil?
Probably evil.....
I give new meaning to the words 'Dear John Letter'
Who should feel my wrath next? I have yet to decide....
Mine is an evil laugh.
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